


The Human Condition

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [8]
Category: Original Work, Void of Life
Genre: A Metric Fuckton of Diversity, Adventure, Autism and Asexuality Spectrums, Existentialism, Humor, Intersex and Trans Positive, M/M, Mental Illnesses/Trauma, Normal Human College AU, Science, Self-Discovery/Self-Improvement, Solarpunk, Technology, healing/recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-05-29 20:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 47,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15081113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: There will be: crude language, a kinky fuck, unhealthy coping mechanisms, sex, an accidental (terminated) pregnancy, injuries, mentions of drugs and alcohol/abuse/childhood trauma/passive suicidal ideation, and also: fun times, a singing nerd, the establishment of healthy relationships with family/friends/significant others, getting gay in the woods, cute critters and dank nature, self-acceptance/reinvention/improvement, and choices.





	1. Chapter 1

It was loud and crowded, but just spacious enough for me to fear that the whole room noticed my every social blunder. I convinced myself that it didn’t matter; they were just a bunch of shallow normies, probably preoccupied with all those things normies are: connections, recreation, meaningful work, health and wellness, success, a sense of belonging and purpose... I refilled my cup, wincing as my migraine flared up again. 

_Happy people. Ugh._

My previous spot had been claimed by the time I wove through the throngs and back, so I opted to sit on the floor next to the bookcase, watching some guys do party stunts and trying to ignore the lovebirds.

_... I should’ve dropped this semester while my GPA was still intact._

The pain eventually became unbearable, and I found myself stumbling off to the bathroom, gripping the sink with white knuckles in an attempt to steady myself. There was no medicine cabinet, but I would have sooner accepted death via aneurysm than walked around asking strangers for pharmaceutical drugs. 

_I have no idea whose house this is... I’m only here because I’m trying to drink away both my literal and metaphorical failures._

I placed my spectacles on the edge, leaning down shakily and splashing water on my face in an attempt to clear my thoughts. A rush of vertigo overwhelmed me, and a dark fog began closing in on my frame of vision. Hot, cold, lightheaded, jittery...

“Fuck, not a-”

 

There was nothingness indefinitely, and then everything-ness, like headlights on the horizon slowly illuminating my surroundings as they approached. A voice. Liquid leaking from some facial orifice and crusting. Being manhandled and flipped around. The same voice yelling for an Uber. All distant, like an out-of-body experience. 

Then, multiple sensations: the stench of artificial cheese, the clunk of my head as it was tilted backwards against hard tile, an awful ache when my nose was pinched shut, my jaw being pried open, and soft lips colliding with mine. 

I forced my eyes open just in time for him to blow me.

With a startled noise, I flailed against him, and he pulled back.

      “Easy, ok, sorry, you didn’t look like you were breathing.”

“Wh- For, what, oh god, that was disgusting-”

I pushed myself up, promptly slipping back down. 

      “Dude, wait, you can’t-”

Ignoring him, I grabbed the side of the tub and heaved for a moment before draining myself dry of the cheap alcohol and blood mixture. He handed me a bottle of mouthwash, which I used to rinse out the taste. He turned on the faucet, washing away the mess.

“I... should not exist,” I sobbed.

      “... This is my most awkward introduction yet, but our ride’s coming in four minutes and I need to piss, so if you don’t mind, uh-”

“S’fine.”

I grabbed a wad of toilet paper for my nose and turned away. It quickly became saturated, so I switched to a hand towel. 

      “If you tell anyone what’s in my pants, they either won’t believe you or they’ll think you’re a perv.” 

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not looking.”

      “You sure? I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to sneak a peep at this hot bod.”

“Who even are you? [cough] I swear, I will crawl out of here if I have to...”

He zipped his pants, flushing with his shoe and washing his hands. 

      “I am a legend and your savior.”

...

      “My name’s Minaeus. Bio major.”

“I’m Al, a stair. Major depressive disorder.”

He took the towel, blowing his nose into the clean part before tossing it in the tub. He then proceeded to ball up more toilet paper and hand it to me.

      “Does anything hurt? I’m gonna lift you.”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“Shit, wait, my glasses-

... Thank you. I’m sorry for all of this.”

He put his phone in his hoodie and scooped me up carefully, carrying me to the car.

      “I should go anyway; I snorted the dust from two party-sized bags of doritos and it burns like a motherfucker. There were a lot of sharp crumbs; feels like they got stuck in my respiratory system like ninja stars.”

“Why would you do that?!”

      “You only have one life, man... Wanna know a secret?”

...

      “I don’t drink; my stomach’s too sensitive. I just use it as an excuse to do dumb shit without being judged by people like you.”

I rolled down the window, enjoying the soothing breeze.

“... You really are a legend. So, why are we taking an Uber? Aren't we going to the ER?”

      “Too expensive. There’s a clinic that should still be open.”

“Right, I keep forgetting insurance is a thing.”

      “Let me guess. Canadian?”

“Welsh, actually. I’ve been here for sixteen years; I just don’t know shit about adulting and whatnot. Haven’t been to a doctor in ages, heh... If it’s not bad enough to kill me, I’m fine. If it is, then, hey, I’m already dead! Heheh...”

      “... No offense, but you have some serious issues.”

“So do you, apparently,” I retorted.

      “Ouch.”

I shut my eyes, leaning against the door.

“Please forgive me; I’m a tad discombobulated at the present.”

      “Ok, let’s talk about nice stuff. I’m a part-time lifeguard certified in macking, so you’re in good hands.”

“Oh, joy.”

      “I also volunteer at Tiny Paws Rescue, because I’m just that good of a person.”

We arrived at our destination, and he scooped me up again before I had a chance to protest.

“You don’t have to- sorry.”

     “Dude, you’re like a stick. I could benchpress at least three of you.”

“Thanks.”

He sat me down in a chair before signing in, then joined me. The waiting area was brightly lit, and I finally got a good look at him: dark brown hair, shaggy and almost shoulder-length, honey-colored eyes, a long, pointy nose, tan skin, a lean but muscular build... I glanced away quickly, not wanting to be accused of staring.

“I, uh. I sing at a bar, and I have a cat. Would you like to see her?”

      “Hell fucking yes.”

We swapped phones, and I scrolled through his numerous critter pics. 

“Oh my god, they’re all so friggin adorable! Furry angels... Can- Are there any openings?”

      “I’ll ask when you’re better.”

“This... is the luckiest day of my life.”


	2. Chapter 2

I didn’t remember falling asleep on the ride back, but I awoke to the clanking of my apartment’s rusty outdoor staircase and the jingling of keys once he found the door to 314.

_Did... he raid my pockets?_

“Anyone here? Damn, this place is big.”

            “Alastair! Oh, thank you for bringing him home! My boyfriend is looking for him, so if you’d give me a moment to let him know- You can put him on the couch. God, we thought he was a goner this time...”

A wave of guilt and dread at the inevitable lecturing washed over me.

”... M’sorry, I really am.”

            “You knew you were in no shape to go out tonight. You can’t keep pulling this shit! You may not care, but we do, so show some fucking consideration before endangering yourself again!”

”I will, Anna. I promise.”

            “Oh, sure. We’ll see about that.”

”Look, I’m sorry, but my head already feels like it’s going to combust...”

She heaved a resigned sigh, brushing my hair out of my eyes before turning to Minaeus.

            “Damage report?”

      “He passed out in a bathroom and got a major concussion- three weeks of rest and an appointment with a specialist. He hit his nose, but it’s not broken; they gave him an ice pack... So, this is a regular thing that happens?”

            “Not regular, per say, but... he’s a lightweight with hypotension and self-destructive tendencies. The past couple weeks were pretty bad; he doesn’t handle stress well, and he hardly slept or took care of himself. I told him he needs to take time off to sort himself out, evaluate his life; maybe switch schools and restart with a clean slate. He hates physics.”

”No, I just suck at it.”

            “Same thing.

            ... My apologies, I truly can’t thank you enough for helping him. What’s your name?”

      “Minaeus, and it’s chill... Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I have this saline solution I’m supposed to snort every half-hour.”

            “Not at all! It’s down that way on the left.”

He walked away, and I closed my eyes again, groaning. She stroked my back. 

            “Is that his hoodie? What a gentleman.”

”... Oh, yeah. I don’t remember him putting it on.”

            “I’m very relieved that you’re ok. You have no idea how worried we were.”

”I know, I- It was stupid, and I want to quit drinking altogether. I’m going to use the summer to work on myself- I mean it. I’m so lucky I didn’t wreck my face.”

She managed a chuckle, and we fell into silence, interrupted only by the loud nose-blowing down the hall. 

Eventually, he returned, sitting next to me again.

            “Why don’t you stay the night? This is a sleeper sofa.”

      “Sure, thanks.”

”... Have you taken out any loans? I’d like to fund your tuition in full; it’s the least I can do.”

      “Wait, what?”

”I’ve inherited a rather large sum from my parents and great aunt, and it’s just sitting around. I already paid for Winston’s- er, her boyfriend’s. Plus, we have a steady income, so it’s no biggie.”

       “... Holy shit. I think there’s nacho spices in my brain.”

             “It’s just what he does. We’re quite fortunate, but that’s not why we keep him around.”

“They’ve basically adopted me.”

We laughed tiredly. 

Soon, Winston came back. I began rambling apologies again, and he lifted me off the couch in a bear hug, cracking my back in the process.

                  “Don’t ever scare us like that again. Understood? We love you, you lil shit,” he muttered.

They headed off to bed, and I poured glasses of water for myself and Minaeus.

”Tea?”

      “Nah, water’s good.”

I grabbed a pillow and blanket from the closet, and he helped me to unfold the couch.

”Feel free to wake me if you need anything. There’s an outlet in the back, and a bunch of different chargers in the side table drawer.”

      “Thanks. 

      ... Hey, I know this is weird, but. Uh. Is it ok if I hug you? It was kinda really disturbing finding you ko’d in a puddle of blood, and I. I’m glad you’re not dead?”

”Oh, I- Of course. I’m still so sorry for putting you through all of this...”

He stooped down, wrapping his arms around me. I reciprocated the gesture, and he tightened his hold, pressing his cheek against mine.

      “... Seriously, though- don't do that,” he murmured.

      “At least for the sake of your same-age parental figures, and semi-innocent bystanders like me.”

I nodded, closing my eyes. He released me after a moment, patting my shoulder awkwardly.

      “Right, sleep. Goodnight.”

”Gnite, heh.”

I grabbed a single-dose Advil packet from the box of free samples Winston got, then stumbled off to my room.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke long after Winston and Anna had headed out for the day, wincing as my headache returned. My vision was a tad blurry, even with glasses on. I went to raise the shade, only to realize that light hurt. With a resigned grumble, I headed back to the living room.

He was playing with Sophie quite enthusiastically, and I smiled.

      “Afternoon~”

”I see you two have already gotten acquainted.”

      “I’m taking her with me. How you feline?”

“Could be- Wait, I see what you did there.”

He looked up, smirking. 

      “Anyway, the powers that be employed me as your babysitter.”

"What?!”

      “You can’t fuck around with concussions- if you don’t recover properly, you’ll have permanent brain damage. Also, I’m in limbo between jobs; the beach doesn’t officially open for another month. Don’t worry; I won’t bother you- I’ll just help with whatever you need, and issue reminders not to make Unwise Decisions when applicable.”

”... At least they won’t be worrying and doting with you here. You- Thanks, really.

...

God, this is embarrassing. I’m a grown-ass man; I know how to take care of myself...”

      “I’ll dress like a slutty nurse, if that’ll help.”

”That would admittedly be much worse, but I appreciate the offer.”

He snickered.

      “Kidding. So, according to WebMD, you can’t really do anything for the next two weeks- just rest.”

“Damn... I was planning to get utterly wasted this weekend and drive a forklift down the freeway.”

... 

      “Where does she go during the day? I didn’t want to make an ass out of myself by asking her directly...”

“It varies. She was gonna get a degree in teaching, because she wanted to have a positive influence on the next generation and all that jazz. She worked as a preschool aide for about a month, but then she realized how hard it is, how revolting mini humans are, how awful parents can be... She didn’t want to get arrested for squaring up with some soccer mom.

Then, she decided she wanted to help elderly patients, so she got a job at a retirement home. She quit after the third old geezer tried to solicit her, heheh...

She tried waitressing, but it sounded equally horrible and exhausting. She has a low bullshit threshold.

...

She always liked fashion, but the industry doesn’t exactly have a lot of openings, and she didn’t want to blow money on art school, so she learned how to make graphics with the Adobe Suite and got a certificate in web design- she freelances now. It’s like making clothes for the internet, or so she says.”

I poured a glass of water, ignoring the throbbing ache across half my face and head. 

_I must look like I lost a fight with that bathroom._

      “... But wouldn’t she be able to do that at home?”

“She likes being out and about. She has a pretty active social life, she volunteers a lot, she’s in a support group, and she runs errands for us and takes care of the apartment because I suck at all of those things. Granted, Winston is a great chef and competent at housework; he’s just so friggin’ busy most of the time. Some days, he has fourteen-hour shifts.”

      “That’s hardcore as fuck.”

“Yeah, they’re busy bees,” I laughed. 

I gave up trying to polish my glasses through double vision and squinting, shoving them back on in a demonstration of physical coordination and accidentally jabbing myself in the process. I attempted to act nonchalant, holding onto the counter as another dizzy spell overcame me. Once it passed, I abandoned my quest for sustenance in favor of returning to a vegetative state. 

“I’ll just... be in my room! You’re welcome to use the laptop or whatever, and help yourself to food.”

      “Want some healing snuggles?”

I blinked, confused.

      “For therapeutic purposes.”

...

He patted the space next to him, and I climbed into the bed hesitantly. He tugged me closer until my head was resting on his chest, and he draped his arm around me. Sophie curled up atop us.

”... Is this gay?”

      “Not if the nips don’t touch.”

I sighed contently, nuzzling him.

”S’too nice. I don’t deserve it.”

      “Shhhhh... No one can resist a good tiddy pillow.”

He took my glasses off and I closed my eyes, listening to him watch vine compilations until I fell asleep. 

 

He left when Anna came home, grabbing the evening shuttle back. I peeked out the blinds in his absence, briefly appreciating the clear blue sky.

“Wait, shit, I‘m still wearing his hoodie...”

She chuckled, handing me a nutritional drink and more Advil.

“Thanks, Mom.”

            “He’s a real keeper.”

"Stop- Stop saying those things. I refuse to get sucked into your romcom world.”

            “Oh, hush! I’m just calling it like it is.”

“No, I know you. You’re playing matchmaker. Is that why you set this up?”

            “Why would I do such a thing? You’re clearly incapacitated and in need of assistance, as well as company.”

I huffed, trying to hide my amused expression.

"I can’t believe you bribed him into putting up with me.”

            “Now you’re just being ridiculous. He was looking for an excuse to come back, be it out of concern, or affection, or both!”

I pondered her last statement as I checked my phone, which he had put in the charger. 

_... I really ought to set a pin._

The background was changed to a close-up of me drooling, and I grimaced. There were far too many missed calls and texts, threatening to engulf me in another wave of guilt. 

_Ignore, delete, ignore. No dwelling._

Scrolling back to the top, I noticed he had taken a selfie, added himself to my contacts, and texted himself before replying.

      [Bitch, no screen-time. No phone, nothing. Begone.]

Begrugingly, I complied.


	4. Chapter 4

“Just for tonight? Please?”

            “No.”

“... I didn’t want it to come to this, but I know for a fact that you couldn’t find a replacement in time. The people need us both! Two hours and I’ll be happy as a clam; you won’t hear another peep out of me. Pleeease?”

She rolled her eyes at my antics, attempting to shake me off her leg as she headed to the door.

            “Would you like a heel in your face? Because that’s the easiest way to get one.”

"Look, I’m already dressed and ready to go. Please let me come with you.”

            “... You’re a royal pain.”

“I am aware.”

            “At least bring earplugs.”

I took out the pack, also obtained from Winston. They were especially useful for muffling Minaeus’s nose-honking when I was trying to sleep. 

I grinned, waving them at her. She tried not to smile, retrieving a concealer stick from her purse.

            “Stand over here so I can fix your face.”

      “... So, uh, should I go home, or-”

"You can come!”

      “Sweet. I don’t think I’m dressed right, though.”

            “It’s a normal bar; we’re only fancy because we’ll be in the spotlight. Would you be a dear and carry my amp?”

      “Sure.”

She thanked him and smooched his cheek, putting on her guitar case as he wiped the lipstick smudge off with the back of his hand. I turned away awkwardly, shuffling down the stairs ahead of them. We walked side-by-side on the empty sidewalk, enjoying the warm breeze. He took his hoodie off and slung it over his shoulder.

            “Winston doesn’t get a lot of shifts, but they’re always on Sundays. He... isn’t a very popular bartender.”

      “How come?”

            “Well, for one, he’ll mix more and more water with each of your subsequent drinks. Then, there’s the matter of calling the cops on all would-be roofies. He’ll hide your keys ‘til you’re sober, but thankfully no one’s caught onto that yet... He listens and gives advice to sad drunks who probably don't remember it... His heart’s too big for his own good. I worry about him riling up the wrong bunch.”

“I’m not allowed to drink when he’s there. I’m stuck onstage with a glass of water and an overabundance of anxiety.”

            “Better than the alternative.”

"C’mon, it's not _that_ bad!

... Most of the time. I need at least a shot to calm my nerves-”

            “So help me, we will march you back upstairs and Minaeus will sit on you ‘til it’s over. You said you’d commit to staying clean.”

I sighed, rubbing my brow.

“Fine, have it your way. Don’t expect me to be a stupid-happy, sensational superstar if you keep me sober.”

Minaeus glanced awkwardly between us, and we spent the next several minutes in silence.

            “... I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair, and if you could handle just a little with your condition, I wouldn’t-”

“It’s fine... I’m sorry for stressing you out with my asshattery. I really should’ve stayed home.”

Slowly, he raised his arms to pat each of our shoulders.

      “It’ll still be fun.”

"I guess.”

      "You're gonna have a good time, and there's nothing you can do about it."

            "That's the spirit," she chuckled.

 

I tripped on the step that I'd somehow forgotten existed, and he caught me, putting me back down like nothing happened.

"Thanks, sorry." 

      "I gotchu, fam."

She set up her equipment rather quickly, and I fumbled with my microphone stand until she finished, coming over. Wordlessly, she fixed it.

"Sorry, thanks." 

            "If you start feeling worse, you have to tell us, ok?"

"Will do."

Minaeus had somehow gotten behind the bar, sitting on the counter next to Winston. I smiled to myself. 

After a couple warm-ups backstage, we came out, hyped and ready to go.

The brunette behind the piano stood up, stretching and heading over to me.

                      "Oh, thank god. I thought I'd be stuck playing karaoke requests."

"Sorry for the wait... Did Ted come with you?" 

                      "We had to go back to our respective homes for the summer, so he's laying low... He's trying so hard to make it work, and it's killing him."

I frowned, attempting to be helpful.

"We- We have a sleeper sofa."

                     "Thanks, but my parents are fine with him moving in if need be. It's the psychological effect of it all that's concerning me.

                     ... Can you please stall? I owe the lavatory a visit."

"For sure."

He chugged a glass of ice water, drying his facial hair and forehead with a kerchief before leaving. I picked up the mic and switched it on, assuming my stance. 

...

_"Hello! We're The Hummingbirds, and we suck!_

_Life is fast and fleeting, but at least there are flowers. Let's forget our troubles for the night, shall we?"_

A couple people laughed, but the regulars paid no attention. It wasn't like they'd heard the same corny intro dozens of times already.

_"See that chalkboard below the stage? That's everything we know! Feel free to yell out particular ones you want to hear. You can also write suggestions for future performances._

_I ask that you refrain from erasing the list to draw phallic imagery and the likes, as it takes us awhile to redo... We're working on a better system. In the meantime, if you simply must put dicks on it, the back is blank. Thank you for being considerate._

_... As always, you can contact us via Facebook for gigs! We'll play at your retirement party! Your nephew's bar mitzvah! Your school’s science fair! Your birthday that would otherwise be spent alone. You name it, we'll be there! Probably._

_Tonight, we have Anna Noh on guitar and vocals, and Andrew Benowitz on piano. Oh, and I'm Alastair, also on vocals. Enjoy the show!"_

He returned with his electronic keyboard, quickly setting it up, sitting down, combing his bangs back, straightening his bowtie, and cracking his knuckles, beginning to play.

_"Dragged into another heartbreak, like a moth into a flame... Are we programmed for broken romance? Everything just sounds the same~_

_Why's every song about love, or drinking too much? Well, maybe that's because... everybody's lonely!"_

We tended to gravitate towards our favorite quirky indie covers, while including just enough mainstream bops to keep us employed- the latest hits, old classics, all that jazz. They rotated our schedules regularly to keep it interesting, and the bar had plenty of other musicians, so if we were mediocre, it didn't really matter. The people came primarily to get wasted and/or socialize, not listen to us. 

Several couples came onto the dance floor for the lovey-dovey songs, and when we did the cringy ones that everyone knew, most of the room laughed and sang along. We were able to fall into our choreographed routines and perform hilarious antics without a hitch, and I found myself genuinely enjoying it. 

We were only given half of the typical four-hour slot that night, apparently opening for a garage band. It was for the best, though; I was exhausted and nursing another headache. 

      "You kicked ass, man. If this isn't your best, then I wouldn't be surprised if you've had underwear flung at you." 

I chortled, leaning against him tiredly.

"That's nice of you to say... Do you want to spend the night again?"

      "Hell yeah."

The four of us walked home, lighthearted and in a much better mood. 

I found myself in the same situation as the first night, grabbing Advil and getting ready to head off to my room. The twin-sized bed wasn't very inviting, but I didn't want to make it weird. Thankfully, he took it upon himself to.

      "You know, you can join me.

...

      Please?"

"If you insist," I murmured, jumping in happily.


	5. Chapter 5

      “Heh, yo, check it out.”

I opened my eyes groggily, facing the laptop, which was just below his tiddy pillow. Thankfully, my vision was extra blurry. I shut them again, shuddering.

“Oh god, what the fuck. Why did you want me to see that?”

      “He’s almost up to his elbow. If you look closely you can see the knuckles.”

“That’s- That’s terrifying. You’re probably downloading viruses as we speak.”

      “Nah, it’s a legit site. It’s a goddamn goldmine for freaky shit.”  
...

“At least you brought headphones... I feel like I’ve been flashed. Were it not for my impairments, I’d’ve... done something... strong and drastic to assert my boundaries, and... and- just... please don’t do that.”

      “Gotcha. Sorry for violating your eyeballs.”

I grumbled in acknowledgement. He continued to stroke my back, jostling me whenever he found something funny. 

“M’gon’ sleep in my room.”

      “Wait, no, I can change. Don’t leave me!”

I got out clumsily, steadying myself with a hand on the wall.

“I wish I understood you...”

      “Trust me, you don’t wanna... but you don’t have to go; it’s your house.”

“It’s ok; I think I need to cool down for a bit. I just... I’m not used to being this close to anyone for this long. It’s nothing personal, not related to anything else... Sorry, I don’t know how to explain.”

      “No worries, my dude. Do what works for you.

      ... You sure you don’t mind me using your laptop? I don’t need it; I just like the bigger screen. Pinball’s fun, too... This thing is like an antique. I’m guessing she added all the mods.”

I nodded, patting his hair before heading off.

 

When I returned nearly two hours later, I found that the common areas had been tidied, and food ingredients had been arranged into edible concoctions on the stove. He looked as if he had fallen asleep without moving at all, but the laptop was closed and placed on the table. Wordlessly, I snuggled atop him, and he hummed contently, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to his chest.

“... S’a little gay, I think. Not complaining, just thought only couples in movies did this after sex.”

      “Cuddling is all-inclusive, and the best kind of medicine. Trust me; I’m an expert at these things.”

“Yeah, ok. Just... don’t try anything.”

      “I would never dream of it.

...

      I would never act on it.”


	6. Chapter 6

      "It's totally ironic, though. I like to expose myself to the weird and twisted side of the World Wide Web just for shits and giggles."

"Uh huh. You must be really committed, going out of your way to back up your furry vore stash on Google Drive."

      "Fuck you, man."

"I think the correct term is  _yiff_."

      **"Listen here, you little shit-"**

I snorted and started cracking up when he scrolled past a particularly unique meme, and he flopped backwards, laughing so hard that tears began to form. We took several minutes to compose ourselves, catching our breath and drying our eyes.

"... Ah, fuck, my skull is throbbing."

      "Should probably dial down the hilarity for now."

"I brought this on myself. To be fair, though, you left it up on  _my_ computer _._ "

      "Yeah, that was the plan. To let you find it and think it was an accident. You got dunked on, brotato."

"I accept you and all of your dark secrets." 

      "... Shit, they have the complete Bill Nye series." 

"Marathon that bitch."

      "Hellllll yeah."

"Netflix and Bill."

He fist-bumped me, turning the volume up. 

"Are you sure it's ok to watch videos?"

      "Like, ninety percent. It doesn't require thinking."

"Good point."

 

I fell asleep yet again three episodes in, waking to the absence of noise and the click of the laptop closing. 

“Sorry, you can keep watching.”

      “Seen ‘em all already. It’s more fun with your conscious presence.”

“I’ll try to stay awake this time.”

      “Nah, that’s the opposite of resting, which is what you should be doing.”

I sighed, burying my face into his torso. I started to nod off again when his stomach rumbled. 

      “Heh, sorry.”

”S’fine... You know, you can get up and do stuff. You don’t have to be stuck next to me.”

      “Yeah, but it’s hard when you’re laying on me like some cute lil kitten. My guardian instinct tells me to stay perfectly still and avoid disturbing you at all costs.”

”M’not cute,” I mumbled.

      “Whatever you say.”

I nuzzled his softness, closing my eyes until it growled loudly. Reluctantly, I rolled off of him.

“Go get food, ya goof.”

      “Fine...”

He disappeared, returning with a large bag of Doritos.

”Where did you-”

      “Brought ‘em.”

“... After that whole fiasco, I figured you wouldn’t want to see them, let alone eat them.”

      “I bounce back pretty quickly from those kinds of things.”

He picked one up, locking eyes with me. With a smirk, he dragged his tongue across it slowly, then sucked on the tips. Without warning, he bit it in half and shoved it in his mouth, followed by several more.

"What the fuck.”

      “Hmm?”

“What. The fuck.”

      “I’m just enjoying the D, dunno what your problem is.”

”... You’re spewing crumbs everywhere. Can you not make it weird for the sake of clean bedding?”

      “Yeah, ok.”

”Thanks.”

      “Not welcome.”

Crunch, cronch, swallow, crinkle, repeat.

I stared, unfocused, at the ceiling, trying to ignore him. After a while, he got up to throw out the bag, licking and then rinsing his hands. He was considerate enough to dust off the sheet before reclaiming his spot.

"Did... you finish the whole thing?" 

      "Mhmm."

"Holy shit."

      "The serving size is one me."

He laid back, patting his midsection contently. 

"How do you not, like, weigh three-hundred pounds."

      "Oh my god, Al, you can’t just ask someone why they’re not fat.”

“Sorry.”

      “Jk, I’m tall and I work out a lot. Now, gimme those good, good cuddles."

I obliged, putting my head down.

      "Corn products give me indigestion, but it's totally worth it. Just wanted to let you know in case you think I have a chest-burster." 

"... Why are you like this?"


	7. Chapter 7

      "So, like, you a virgin?"

"So, like, can you not?" 

      "Duly noted."

"... I didn't-"

      "S'too late. I know all."

"Fuck you."

      "I mean, that's not what I'm getting paid for, but-" 

I tossed a pillow at him half-heartedly, and he dodged it. 

"What kind of hell is this? What atrocity did I commit to warrant such torture?" 

      "Dude, you're so extra today. How do you form those kinds of sentences so quickly?" 

...

"I had... one fling. Years ago, with Anna. We were dumb kids who didn't know better- er, I was, at least. We joined the same... performative singing group-"

       "Oh my god, you were in a glee club-" 

"SHUT UP!

...

Sorry."

      "Continue." 

I sighed melodramatically, shutting my eyes.

"If you must know, we were paired together and ended up quitting with the intention of becoming an iconic duo... We covered cringeworthy songs on YouTube and played everywhere from streetcorners to cafés and retirement homes, hoping success would find us, heh... We thought we were the greatest thing since sliced bread, and she became my first and only companion, aside from Sophie. 

... Dammit, you're gonna make me tell my whole life story, aren't you?"

      "I said nothing."

"Ok, fine! I asked her out because I thought I was supposed to, but I didn’t know the first thing about healthy interpersonal relationships. I had no friends! I was angry and sad and afraid, moreso than now, at least, and I hid from the world to avoid confrontations. Everything went to shit once I let her get close enough to see just how fucked up I am. We were both arrogant and pompous, we fought, we stopped speaking, we graduated, I got drunk at my great aunt's funeral and cry-typed several essays to her. We sat down and talked it out, and I realized there was a lot I didn't understand about her, or myself. 

Ultimately, we decided to take romance off the table entirely and just work on open and honest communication, mutual respect, all that jazz. We even tried couples' counseling, which led to individual therapy.

And, ah, she realized she needed to cut ties with her father, and I needed a new place to live after selling my aunt's house, so we packed up and moved. She got us a semi-permanent gig and met Winston there, and the rest is, yeah.

Happy?"

Wordlessly, he smushed the discarded pillow against my face.

      "... There. Now you don't have virgin lips." 

...

"Thanks. How much do I owe you?" 

      "It's on the house."

"... So, are you going to spill any heart-wrenching tales, or-" 

      "I've swapped spit with at least a fifth of the campus. Sometimes I smash for cash."

"That's quite ambitious."

      "I try."


	8. Chapter 8

“Anna, darling, my dearest and only female friend... It’s been over two weeks. I'm right as rain! I can think and walk straight, and I haven’t felt dizzy in days. For Pete’s sake, can I  _please_ leave?

... I promise I'll be careful.”

She ignored me until she had finished applying her liner, closing her eyes for a moment and sighing.

            “Fine, ok... You’re a competent adult, and I can’t keep you under my thumb. But-”

"Don’t worry; I’ll stay with him.”

She nodded reluctantly.

 

"So! Today is all about you! Where do you wanna go? What do you wanna do?”

He smiled, ruffling my hair as he looked down at me. I was fully dressed and equipped for adventure, and he hadn’t even gotten the chance to walk through the doorway.

      “Holy shit, you really have been going stir-crazy... I dunno, wanna walk around?”

"Yes. Yes I do.”

I darted past him and ran to the stairwell. He hurried after me.

"There is life outside this apartment... There’s a whole world beyond this door, and I’m rejoining it.”

      “Please don’t start singing.”

Grinning, I hopped off the curb, taking in my surroundings. I stopped frequently, stooping to study the ground and craning my neck to view higher sights.

"Puppy! Look- Look at that puppy! Oh my gosh, he’s so cute."

"Pigeons! The unappreciated urban angels. See how their feathers glisten in the sunlight? I need to remember to buy more birdseed..."

He nodded, gently tugging me out of the way of passersby. After a few moments, I stopped in front of an abandoned factory.

"All these tiny plants sprouting in cracks... Natural reclamation is a beautiful thing. See those vines going through that window frame? And the moss on the roof? Yeah, that’s the good shit.”

      “We gotta get you to a park.”

”I might ejaculate out of pure excitement.”

He chortled, shaking his head.

      “You want a real adventure? Think you can handle it?”

"... I think.”

We stopped in a thrift shop just to look around, then walked for a couple blocks to catch the eastward shuttle. I peered out the window the entire time, failing to let him enjoy his ride in peace. 

We got out at an unfamiliar place, and he took my hand, leading us down a sidewalk into the middle of nowhere. Empty gas station, abandoned lots, dilapidated stores... I tightened my grip apprehensively.

      “It’s a while further, but the bus doesn’t go there.”

As we neared signs of other living human beings, he released me, and I followed close behind.

"I forgot my pepper spray,” I whispered nervously.

      “Dude, it’ll be fine.”

"- and other famous last words.”

As we passed the skeevy outskirts, the road went from cracked to gravel to dirt. There was nary a building or car in sight.

"... Did you bring me here to kill me.”

      “It’s this way.”

He climbed over a partially trampled chainlink fence, maneuvering past rusty scrap metal. I attempted to do the same, but ended up landing on a pile of crushed beer cans. I stepped quickly through the maze, in a hurry not to be left behind.

Once I’d caught up with him, we headed through tall weeds until we reached a small forest. He made an “after you” gesture, which I rejected. 

Humidity, annoying flying insects, mysterious rustling and loud crow screeches, cobwebs, thorns, unnoticed roots and rocks, mud sinkholes... When he decided to take a breather, I all but collapsed on the nearest boulder. He pointed out the pretty green blotch next to me.

      “Heh, looks like you’re _lichen_ this break. Can’t blame you; I’m a fungi-d.”

... 

I pulled my metal bottle out, taking a swig. I accidentally got my shirt wet, and whipped it off unceremoniously, shaking it before stuffing it in the backpack. It was already sweat-stained, and probably covered in dismembered mosquitoes.

He took his shirt off in solidarity, putting it with mine and drinking some of my water.

"Gross.”

      “You’re welcome.”

A few red bugs were getting too curious, so I got up with an exaggerated groan. 

“This is bad for my brain. And body.” 

      “Nature heals your soul.”

"Except when you’re playing Survivor Man.

... It’s been over four hours.”

      “Half the time was spent bs-ing in town.”

"This is a deadzone. She’s gonna kill me.”

      “We should have better reception when we get there.”

I dragged along after him, and he stopped mercifully. Facing away and kneeling on one knee, he patted his shoulders.

"... Thank you. I rescind all of my previous laments.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held my legs against his back.

      “It’s gonna be awesome. Just wait.”

"Wait, yeah. I’ll... do that.”

I rested my head on his shoulder, ignoring the sweat.

 

      “Wakey wakey, bitch. We made it.”

I blinked slowly, then gaped.

"Holy shit.”

      “I know.”

"Holy shit!”

      “Exactly.”

He knelt down, and I clambered off of him, stumbling before regaining my balance.

"HOLY SHIT!”

      “Dude, you’re scaring the critters.”

”Critters? Where?!”

I began my hyper observations all over again, exploring every inch and taking dozens of pics. He just kinda watched me with an amused grin.

"I’m gonna climb this.”

      “Go for it.”

I handed him my phone and backpack and scaled the mini cliff-face, looking back triumphantly as he snapped a selfie.

“There’s a waterfall over here!”

      “Yep. And before you ask, I found this place when I was a kid. I tested samples in the lab- shit's cleaner than a public pool.”

The water certainly was clear, constantly rushing and lined with thick, grasslike plants. I attempted to climb down the grooves in the opposite side, trying my best not to disturb the ferns, moss, or various armored bugs.

     "This isn't gonna end well."

"Shhh." 

      "Dude, just slide down the middle. It's safe."

"Sounds not safe, but ok."

I maneuvered back up carefully, kicking my shoes and socks off and tossing them to him before positioning myself and descending as slowly as possible.

"Jeez, this actually isn't bad."

He left our stuff on a flat rock before joining me, hopping in with a splash.

"I never thought I'd be happy to get so cold and wet so quickly," I sighed, sinking lower.

"You were right. This was a hundred perc- AAAH!"

      "Sorry, that was my foot." 

I exhaled shakily. 

"Ok, I'm ready to leave whenever you are." 

He laughed, shoving me lightly. I returned the gesture, and he fell backwards melodramatically, taking me down with him and initiating a childish tussle. I discovered that he was ticklish, and hastily abused this knowledge. He flailed, almost kneeing me in the crotch. I relented for both of our sakes, and we sat on the side as we recovered. 

"My dick was in danger for a moment there."

      "Man, it must be hard having one of those. They're so... vulnerable," he shuddered. 

"... So, you don't-"

      "I thought you knew, but s'ok. Uh, I don't mind explaining." 

"It's up to you, sorry." 

      "Ok, so, I was born as a spicy combo, but my bio parents couldn't handle the thought of me growing up to be such a sexy beast, so they got the doctor to do the old snipperoo."

I winced. 

      "Joke's on them, because I still grew up to be a sexy beast, and I don't even remember them. My moms are super chill; they let me act however I was comfortable, and when I was old enough to understand, I got to choose specifics and officiated it so I wouldn't have to worry about anyone knowing. I picked a weird name to stand out, though, because I was an edgy little shit.

     ... But yeah, in every aspect except genitalia, I am a dudebromanguy. I'm actually chill as fuck with what I have, and I wouldn't change it if I could. It's not... I have no capacity for reproduction. Hormones, horniness, nutability, yeah, but no periods or jizz." 

"Huh... I guess I never stopped to think about the fact that you are a human being with a family. I'd love to meet them sometime, if that's ok."

      "That was my plan, actually; they live, like, a half-hour away. Lemme ask."

Nod, nod.

“... Say, whereabouts do you live?”

      “I rent out the second floor of a mechanic’s shop that’s right in the middle of Champlain and the gym. It’s cheap as hell, since the chemical fumes and rubber make it smell like ass and it’s too loud to be there without earplugs during work hours. It only came with outlets and a bathroom, haha... No one else was interested, so she cut me a break.”

”That sounds awful...”

He shrugged.

      “She gave me a box of car air fresheners as a welcome present, so I blinged out the whole room. It’s clean and safe, and I’m usually gone during the day... The only real issue is the slanted ceiling. I’m gonna have to start wearing a helmet or some shit.”

“Well, you’re welcome over my place anytime! Mi casa es tu casa!

... Is that the right saying?”

      “Heh, yeah. You just said it in a really white way.”

“Sorry.”

      “Nah, it’s funny. I should make you try to pronounce more stuff.”

His phone vibrated, and he went back to texting. I took the opportunity to message Anna.

      “They said you can stay the night if you want. It’s really nice there.”

"Heck freakin' yes!”

He smiled, getting up and drying himself with his shirt before putting it back on. I turned mine inside-out and proceeded to do the same, grimacing at the sensation of wet feet in socks.

“This was really fun. Thank you.”

     “No, thank YOU.”

He led me past bushes, casually munching on berries that he insisted were edible. I declined to mimic him and wouldn’t even touch my box of protein bars until I could wash my hands properly. We hiked through the woods for a while, sun filtering through the trees and dancing across the forest floor as the leaves blew in the wind and birds and squirrels hopped around, the peaceful sounds and soothing breeze a welcome reprieve. Eventually, we came out onto a dirt road with tire tracks. 

“Look, human prints! Be careful; they’re the most dangerous species on Earth.”

He smirked, shaking his head. We walked in comfortable silence, listening to the birds and insects as the heat began to dry us.

      “Anyway, my parents are kinda off-the-grid hippies. Just a heads-up.”

"Is that why we're in the middle of nowhere?"

      “We’re actually right on the border of Burlington. And this, uh, well. Surprise, we've been hauling ass along a mountain.

... 

      Wait ‘til you see the view.”

After another fifteen minutes or so, we turned off the road for a steep, narrow path. I gripped nearby trunks as we went down, mindful of my footing over the roots and uneven terrain. Whatever slope we were on passed the one overshadowing us, and I found myself looking out over the hilly landscape. 

      "Nice, huh?"

"Absolutely beautiful," I murmured.

He stretched casually, glancing down at the rocky plummet below.

      "Man, that's a nasty drop. One wrong step and you're a goner. 

     ... Just imagine, some skinny bastard is preoccupied with taking pics when he trips and loses his balance in a big gust of wind-"

"Fuck you."

      "Sure, but we should probably get to flat ground first." 

I flipped him off, walking ahead.

      "You're going the wrong way." 

"There's only one way, though." 

He grabbed me by the shoulders, slowly turning me to face an overgrown deer trail.

"That can't be right."

      "It's a shortcut." 

"I may not know much about these things, but I'm pretty sure we'd come out of there covered in scratches and poison ivy and ticks-"

He locked eyes with a smirk before kneeling down again.

"... I'm starting to think you have some sort of fetish for holding me."

      "So, that's a no?"

"Fuck no, I appreciate your transportation."

He locked his arms around my knees once more, and I assumed the role of bug shooer and branch lifter.

Finally, we made it through, walking right into a meadow. Acres of tall, wheat-like grass and wildflowers billowed ahead of us, complete with butterflies, bees, and several bunnies in view. The sky was unobscured, deep blue with cumulus clouds that rivaled a painting. I slid off, frolicking like we were in a Disney movie. 

      "See the tiny house at the bottom? That's it." 

"Hallelujah, the end is in sight!"

I sped up, starting to roll down once I'd reached normal grass. I lost momentum a quarter mile from our destination, dizzy and breathless. Eventually, he caught up.

      "You missed a lot, but I managed to catch this guy."

He opened his hands to reveal a large grasshopper, which landed on my head and dived into the brush when I freaked out.

"... I should not have done that. Jesus Christmas, everything's still spinning." 

I closed my eyes for a moment.

      “This whole thing was probably a bad idea... Just take it easy, ok?”

"No, ‘m havin’ the time of my life,” I mumbled as he opened a previously unnoticed fence gate, slinging me around his chest before closing it behind us.

...

"You’re touching my butt.”

      “I can’t carry you bridal style that far, and if you KO, you'll fall off my back.”

"My genitals are being squished against your torso. I feel violated,” I remarked flatly.

      “Do you wanna walk?”

"No.”

      “That’s what I thought.”

... 

“I have a faceful of tits.”

      “You should be grateful.”

...

“Are you wearing Old Spice?”

      “... Maybe.”

“W-”

He jostled me, smushing my face into said tits. 

      “Sorry; you distracted me.”

I grumbled, managing to straighten my back and hoist my arms and chin over his shoulders. 

      “Heh, you’re like a koala.”

”Thanks.”

      “Np.”

 

I nearly fell asleep again by the time we arrived. He was gracious enough to rouse me and put me down before knocking on the door.

A young girl with long, wavy black hair and loose, flowing clothes greeted us. Before I could say anything, I was bowled over by a ginormous, tricolored ball of floof. 

            “Jakey, no! Off!”

He ignored her, pinning me to the ground as he sniffed and slobbered, feathery tail wagging furiously. I snort-laughed. 

I was only freed when he noticed Minaeus and accidentally used me like a launch pad. I winced as the rest of my wind was knocked out. He was tall enough to place his paws on his shoulders as he hugged him and ruffled his fur. The girl helped me up, apologizing.

            “He never listens. The others have good manners.”

"Others?” 

As if on queue, pups of all shapes and sizes rushed out to meet us. I got back on the ground, holding my arms out and letting the wave of fluffy love take me. It was a good ten minutes or so until they began to disperse, wandering around their large enclosure. I caught my breath, still giddy.

      “Don’t mind him, he’s brain-damaged.”

"Hey! I’ll have you know that I’ve always been like this, Mister Dorito Kink.”

      “Innocent ears.”

...

            “So, who are you?”

      “My boyfriend.”

"I’m not his boyfriend,” I chortled.

She blinked, handing him a pooper scooper. He accepted it humbly, staying behind while she led me inside.

            “Sorry, my brother’s a weirdo. You probably know that by now.”

"Heh, it’s fine... What’s your name?”

            “Hiya!” 

“That’s pretty. 

... Oh, right, you can call me Al!”

            “... Is your real name confidential? Are you from the FBI? It’s just hemp! We have a license!”

"Alastair! Please stop... I’m Alastair Kingston Gerhardt; it’s just a really long name that most people laugh at. Do I look like a spy to you?” 

            “No, but that’s why they’d hire you.”

I put my bag down, fumbling for my school id.

"Look, I don’t even know where I am! Your brother’s adult-sitting me, and he decided to bring me here. Is- Are your parents home?” 

She scrutinized me for several seconds before handing the card back, relaxing. 

            “My mom’s in the greenhouse, and my mama’s feeding the animals. I’ll get them.”

She scampered off, and I just kinda stood there awkwardly until Minaeus came in.

"I don’t think she likes me,” I mumbled.

      “She came from an orphanage in Delhi that got shut down, and she’s... still adjusting.”

"Do you have other siblings?”

      “They foster sometimes. I was a foster, but they ended up adopting me. We’re actually not legally related, since, yeah. Two “single parents” cohabiting.” 

I nodded, following him up the winding stairs. 

“I think I was supposed to wait there for your moms.”

      “I told them we had to hose down first.”

He left me in a stone bathroom illuminated by a skylight, returning with towels and clean clothes. 

“Thanks, ah, you can go first, if you want. I’ll wait outside.”

      “Nah, it’s chill.”

He tossed me a new bar of soap and a washcloth before closing the door and getting undressed. I panicked, shielding my face.

"No, no, no, no, thank you. I don’t want to see your ass. I don’t want to be ogled. I am not getting naked in front of you. I’m gonna leave, ok?”

He stopped, conveniently holding his shorts in front of his crotch.

      “Dude, calm down; I’m not that perverted... I didn’t think you’d care, but I should’ve asked first. It’s like a locker room kind of deal, or skinny dipping, you know? 

      ... You’re probably not comfortable with any of that.” 

I shut my eyes embarrassedly, shaking my head. 

      “Ok, look- not literally, you don’t have to look at me. We can take turns, but there’s not a lot of hot water. If it helps, I’ll pretend that you’re not here.”

“... Sorry.”

      “Sorry for stripping.”

We showered in silence, facing opposite directions. Thankfully, it was open and spacious, with some sort of grate system throughout the floor to collect the water. 

 ...

“I- It’s nothing wrong with you; I hope you know that. One time, I accidentally saw a pair of boobs and started crying.”

He snorted. 

      “It’s fine; we’re just, like, polar opposites. You’re obviously a private person.”

"Sorta...”

      “... Can I ask something?”

I nodded, forgetting he wasn’t looking.

"Yeah.”

      “You don’t like sex, do you?”

...

      “Sorry, you don’t have to answer.”

"I don’t know, honestly. I’m not attracted to genitalia, and I find bodily functions repulsive.

I just wish I was a sentient gust of wind or something; everything’s so gross, and I hate being physically vulnerable... Do you think that’s a sign of immaturity?”

      “Some people are just like that, I guess. Other people, like me, would smash 25/7 and walk around with their metaphorical dicks out, if possible.”

I laughed.

      “I say do what works for you, as long as you ain’t hurtin’ anyone or making your own life worse.”

“Thanks.”

      “Anytime.”

He finished before me, and once I’d finished scrubbing my soul, I wandered out into the hallway. I found him in a small bedroom, reclining on his phone.

"Thanks for lending me clothes.”

      “Holy shit, you look adorable,” he wheezed.

He snapped a pic before I could object.

      “Those are from when I was, like, twelve, and you’re still swimming in them.”

I joined him on the bed, snuggling out of habit. He stroked my back, and I yawned.

"I don’t know why I’m so friggin’ tired these days.”

      “Concussion.”

"Dammit... I hope everything will go back to normal. As close as I was to normal before, at least.

... So, when your job starts-”

      “You best believe imma stay in touch with you, hoe.”

"You don’t have to; I wouldn’t blame you for moving on.”

      “What are you talking about?”

"I’m a ducked up loser who needs to get his shit together. No one actually wants to deal with that.”

      “I do.”

"I feel so sorry for you, man...”

      “Shut up; I love you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

"... Are you sure? You can always change your-”

He leaned down, forcefully smooching my forehead. I just sorta laid there in a dazed stupor. 

...

"Er, thanks. I- I love you, too. 

... Jesus Christ, this is gay.” 

      "Damn straight."


	9. Chapter 9

We heard someone coming upstairs, and I quickly scrambled off of him, sitting on the floor. He gave me an amused glance. 

A tall, slender lady came to the door, clothes colorful and dreads woven into a fancy ‘do. She smiled warmly.

               “Hello! You must be Al. It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

I nodded, reciprocating pleasantries and shaking her hand with a grin.

_Finally? How long have they known about me, and how much did he tell them?_

               “I’m Persinna. Sorry to keep you waiting! I just picked some veggies and herbs for dinner, and it should be ready in another half-hour or so.”

"Oh jeez, you didn’t have to! Thank you.”

      “This is Plant Mom. My other mom is the critter caretaker.”

She laughed, ruffling his hair.

               “He used to help out, but now it’s just the three of us, the workers, and whatever volunteers we can scrounge up. They’re mostly students and retirees.”

      “Be careful; she’s trying to recruit you.”

"That sounds pretty fun, actually! I wish I lived closer.”

               “I wish _he_ lived closer, but that’s what happens when you’re away from civilization. We miss our big sunshine boy.”

They hugged.

      “I missed you, too.” 

               “You better believe we’ll put you to work while you’re here! We need to give Al the green experience.”

      “Yeah, they grow organics and the whole place is basically a model of sustainability. People come from all over to learn and try new things.”

"Sweet!” 

We headed downstairs into a room with walls made of glass bottles, cemented together and decorated with broken china and tiles, mirror shards, and miscellaneous objects, trellises covered in vines and strung with solar fairy lights. It was full of bees.

               “Hiya! Hiya, what did I tell you about bringing queens inside?!”

            “She looks sick. I’m giving her some nectar.”

               “They already have food. She’s probably old; put her back.”

            “Fine...”

She carried the large honeybee out the door, leaving it ajar again. The rest followed. Persinna waited until the last one left, then shut it.

               “Sorry about that. Have a seat, make yourself at home!”

She returned to the kitchen, and I walked around, admiring the plants and flowers. The room was somewhat inbetween a patio and indoors, insulated from the elements but separated from the rest of the house with its own door system. I soon realized that this was because it functioned like a tiny ecosystem, complete with bugs.

"Do you guys eat here?”

      “Nah, we’re not that bad. It’s just the closest thing to a guest room.”

“Is this the greenhouse?”

He laughed.

      “The greenhouse is fuckin’ huge. It’s like four times the size of our house.

...

      Oh, yeah, mind going along with me being vegan and making good decisions?”

I nodded, snickering. 

      “Thanks. I want them to be proud of the things I’m not doing.”

“They’ve already got plenty to be proud of, though!”

He shrugged. 

“Seriously, you’re badass!”

      “I guess. I just haven’t been living the way I was raised since I moved out. I mean, they’re technically only vegetarians, but everything they do is environmentally responsible. It’s hard and expensive as fuck to buy all sustainable, organic, local, fair-trade, and shit... I don’t have a compost bin, and I make a lot of non-biodegradable trash-”

“Who the hell would keep a container full of rotting produce in their apartment? Don’t be so hard on yourself, man; you set the highest possible standards. At least you’re trying! All I do is recycle, and I’m probably not even doing that right.”

      “I could be trying harder. I dunno, I just- It’s a lot easier when your whole life is centered on that stuff, but I wanted to get out into the world, be surrounded by the distractions of society, and make something of myself, I guess... I don’t even know if I’ll find a job in my field once I graduate.”

“What about starting with an internship?”

      “Heh... That’s, like, just as hard to get, and field work is no joke. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m fucking up royally...”

He ran his fingers through his hair, despondent. I placed a hand on his shoulder cautiously.

“You’re doing your best.”

      “Bullshit.”

“... Is this why you avoid visiting?”

      “Kinda. It’s the perfect fucking place; my parents are the best, and I know they just want me to be happy. They wouldn’t guilt-trip me or preach about those things, but I still feel like shit for knowingly making bad decisions. Then I feel worse for not being here with them in the first place-”

"Hey, hey. It’s ok-”

     “I don’t know if you’re aware, but the planet is literally dying because of us.”

...

"I’m sorry.”

      “And it’s like, deep down I know I won’t have much of an impact either way, but trying is better than feeling completely powerless to stop it. I just don’t want to think or feel sometimes because reality hurts too much-”

I leaned over, hugging him tightly in an attempt to calm him down. He continued to tremble, breathing shakily. 

...

      “Thanks... Man, I’d give my right arm to have superpowers and know exactly how to fix things.”

“I wanna do the stuff you guys do. If you teach city folks like me to be environmentally conscious, you’ll be making a huge difference!” 

He smiled half-heartedly, hugging back.

A knock on the wall startled us. A short, kindly lady with a patterned headwrap and soft curves stood in the doorway. She smiled, waving before beginning to sign. Minaeus explained that she was mute, and translated for me. It was a bit awkward initially, listening to him have a conversation with himself- it didn’t help that he attempted to sound feminine every time he voiced her. I tried my hardest to be serious out of respect for her, making a mental note to learn the language if I became a regular.

                     “Am I interrupting something? I can come back.”

      “Oh, hey! We’re good, thanks. Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Mama, this is Al. Al, this is Critter Mom.”

                     “Eshe’s fine,” she chuckled.

"Nice to meet you!”

She pulled a cloth bundle out of her multi-pocketed apron, passing it to him along with an infant bottle. He grinned excitedly, showing me.

A baby squirrel gazed up at us. He cradled him carefully.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, he’s precious...”

                      “Would you like to feed one?”

"Yes. Yes, please.”

      “People bring the orphans they find to us. They’re so damn cute, and they love snuggles.”

I nodded, focused on the little angel I had the privilege of holding. He was quite enthusiastic about drinking his formula. 

                      “Just make sure to wash up afterwards. They’ve been treated for mites and everything, but better safe than sorry. Min, you remember what to do with them, right?”

      “Of course; I haven’t been gone _that_ long.”

She grinned.

                      “Thank you. And watch the sass, mister.”

She walked away, closing the door and leaving us to feed our charges. 

...

      "Sorry about that. I don't know what came over me; it was like a tidal wave of emotions."

"It's not your fault that humans suck. Everything could be wonderful, man... We just have to go and ruin it for ourselves and everyone else."

I stroked the soft fur with my fingertip as I held the bottle in place. He sniffed me curiously between suckles, licking a drip that had gotten onto my knuckle. He tried to nurse on said appendage and then gnaw on it clumsily, and I chortled, replacing it with the nib. Minaeus had unwrapped his, petting him gently from head to tail. I watched in awe of his expertise.

      "... I can't bring myself to hate people. They're not inherently bad... Cancer cells don't understand that they're killing their body." 

"People are assholes, though. They're greedy, selfish, destructive, ignorant-" 

      "Yeah. Yeah, I know. No one's perfect, so nothing will ever be perfect..." 

I sighed in agreement.

...

"The universe is filled with entropy. Everything could go kaboom, and that'd be it, so maybe there's no point in trying to make sense of anything or even caring," I joked.

      "Thanks, I needed that right now." 

"... Sorry, I also fall under the asshole category."

...

      "I wish we grew weed." 

He finished the tiny massage, wrapping him up again before trading for mine. This one was equally enthusiastic about his formula.

...

"You know what would be fucking awesome? If robots took over the world. Innovative tech, quantum computing, and the leaps and bounds in deep learning algorithms give me hope for the future. If you can make physically and intellectually advanced, perfectly rational beings whose sole drive is protecting the greatest good to provide stability for organic life, then you have a force of all-powerful gods capable of saving existence itself. I sure as fuck don't understand robotics- or anything else, for that matter- but I'm very passionate about sensational pseudoscience, and I can dream." 

      "... I want whatever you're on."

I snickered, relieved to see him smiling again.

"... Seriously, though, sorry for being a dick. If you ever need to get something off your chest and want me to just listen, please tell me." 

      "It's whatever. I already think about all that dark stuff- subconsciously, at least. I wish I could be all optimistic and shit and never worry or dwell, but I'm fucked up. 

Ignorance is bliss, if you're not an inherently miserable bastard... Just look at Jakey. Dogs don't have existential crises."

"- but they can get depressed. They get all sorts of health issues from being inbred and living in our concrete prisons." 

       "I'm trying to feel _less_ sad."

"I know, I'm sorry..."

I leaned into him slightly, and he closed his eyes for a moment. 

      "... Real shit, though; squirrels are cute as fuck, and they make everything better."

I nodded.

Once they'd finished and were getting sleepy, we carried them downstairs. Their basement looked like some sort of wildlife rehab center, but the only visible occupant was a box turtle with surgical tape setting the top of his shell in place. I winced, but he seemed content, munching on a fresh platter of salad and worms. 

Minaeus placed the bundles in a storage bin lined with blankets. He warmed up two heat packs, putting each in a fuzzy sock for them to cuddle. We washed the bottles and our hands in the sink, letting them air-dry.

      "Once they're able to fend for themselves, we have to kinda rewild them and teach them not to trust humans before we can let them go... It sucks. I always make someone else do it.

      Sometimes the ones that didn't want to leave come back to visit and get snacks, which is fun, but I worry that I'm endangering their wellbeing when they're away... It's hard being a critter, you know? I don't have the heart to scare them off or let them go hungry when they're out in the winter." 

I frowned, patting him in an attempt at comfort. He turned towards me, pulling me into a tight hug and burying his face in my hair.

      "... It's like I subconsciously brought you here just to witness my mental and grammatical breakdowns... I must've said "just" and "like" like, fifty times in the past half-hour, heh...

      Sorry, I just... Life sucks, and at the end of the day, I lowkey wish I wasn't born. I've been like this for years, but it's passive, so please don't worry or tell anyone.

      I don't know why I feel like shit all of the sudden... I'm probably freaking you out with the oversharing, sorry."

"Hey, no- I mean, same, but it's ok. Even if it's not... You're ok. Everything is ok.

... I'm sorry, I suck at this."

      "At least you're being honest."

I stroked his back, trying to console him.

"Honestly, I'm terrified of the future. I don't want anything bad to happen to the people I love, or any other innocent beings. I don't want to have to live without Sophie or on my own in general. I don't want to get old and have my health further deteriorate. I'm afraid even of dying. Not in the supernatural sense, but the manner in which it could happen- if it'll hurt, if I'll still be conscious... I don't know. I know those are things that everyone has to deal with, but the world will probably be fucked up beyond repair by the end of our lifetime, and I feel like I'm just bracing for the worst... More than anything, I think, I'm afraid of being alive; of having a fallible body and brain, and of all the things that can happen to them; of having the capacity to do subjectively good and evil things and getting the two mixed up; of just never living up to my potential and failing myself and everyone else...

God, I wanna get drunk."

... 

We hugged in snively silence, eventually interrupted by his phone.

With one last squeeze, he released me, checking it.

      "Heh, they're waiting for us."

"You good?"

      "Nah. You?" 

"Never was, never will be." 

We chuckled morbidly, drying our eyes and composing ourselves before joining his family.


	10. Chapter 10

               "There you are! Did you get lost?" Persinna joked.

"We found Narnia," I laughed awkwardly.

We took our seats in the kitchen, which was quite cozy and rustic in appearance. The curtains were open, and the window on the ceiling let in the remainder of the evening light. I looked out for a couple minutes as they got situated, appreciating the wispy lilac, periwinkle, and cotton candy clouds streaked across the horizon, jagged with trees and unobstructed by buildings. The hills were covered in lightning bugs as far as the eye could see, making the twinkling vista quite ethereal. Off in the distance, an elk grazed and flocks of birds flitted to and fro, settling in for the night.

"You have such a lovely abode.

... If you don't mind me asking, do you ever run into trouble with the local flora and fauna? Like, I dunno, poison oak or bears?" 

They attempted to keep a serious expression, Hiya being the first to crack.

            "You really are a city slicker." 

                   "Hush! 

                   ... With plants, it's just a matter of educating yourself and learning how to identify them in advance- a general rule of thumb is to avoid the ones you aren't sure of. When Minaeus was younger, he was very curious, and he rarely heeded our warnings. For example, if I told him not to do something, he'd do it just to see what would happen. We always had to be prepared; he kept me on my toes." 

I turned to him, smirking. He played with his food, attempting to mask a rare expression akin to embarrassment.

      "I was, like, in preschool; I couldn't help being dumb."

            "He got high on 'shrooms in the forest when he was fifteen."

  _"Listen-"_

I started cracking up. 

                      "He's very intelligent; he just has a wild side and tends to be a thrill-seeker. We worried about him when he flew the nest, but, you know, he’s an adult, and we trust him to make wise decisions. I think he's matured, and he _says_ he's not impulsive anymore. Is that true?"

He glanced up at me, pleading wordlessly. I relented.

"Yes, he's quite responsible. He, ah, we met because I passed out in a bathroom. He found me unresponsive and gave me CPR before getting me emergency medical care, then escorted me home safely. He's been helping me recover since then." 

The table went silent in shock. 

      "... Yeah, I kinda left that part out."

              "You're a hero! Why didn't you tell us?! You could've been on the news!" 

      "It was no biggie; I've done that kind of shit lots of times over the years. Anyone would."

"-but he's a lifeguard, for Pete's sake! He goes out of his way to do as much good as he can. He also donates his time to an animal shelter every week." 

Eshe beamed, signing at him.

                       "You’re always full of surprises, Min... And so humble! You've grown into such a fine young man, but your heart's always been in the right place. We're so proud of you!"

He smiled, looking down.

...

"He's honestly one of the kindest souls I've ever known, and he was awarded a one-of-a-kind merit scholarship at the end of this school year. Full tuition!"

They collectively gasped and cheered, getting up to hug and congratulate him. I grinned.

                      "Oh, you should've told us! We have to celebrate! You've been away for months, keeping all of these things to yourself- Stay a couple more days, please? A week? It hasn't been the same without you..."

He sniffled, wrapping his arms around them in a group hug.

      "... I've wanted to come home for so long. You have no idea how much I've missed it all."

I continued smiling, not sure whether to look away or say something and getting more nervous as the seconds passed. 

...

            "Can his boyfriend stay, too?" 

"I- Heh. I'd love to, but I'm not, er, we're just pals." 

            "But you guys look so gay," she whispered to him. "You could kiss and get married and still say you’re friends."

                    "That's enough, Hiya," she scolded, a hint of amusement in her voice. "And yes, you're more than welcome here anytime." 

"It's an honor. I'm so excited!

... Not to ruin the moment, but what should I know about bears? And mountain lions, and snakes, and-"


	11. Chapter 11

He let me sleep in his old bed, opting to take the spare room because it was more accommodating of his height. I conked out mere seconds after hitting the pillow.

When I awoke in the morning, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and then dragged several miles. All the aches and pains of pulled and knotted muscles, along with previously unnoticed bruises, scratches, and sunburn...

_That certainly was an adventure._

I debated getting up, but my body refused. I just kinda laid there with my eyes closed until he knocked on the door.

"C’min.”

      “Didn’t wanna walk in on you jerkin’ it... How you doin?”

"M’dead... Y'killed me.”

      “Ah, shit... Can I help? I know some tricks.”

I looked up slowly, not daring to move my neck. He was leaning over, wearing an olive undershirt and obnoxiously colorful fish boxers.

“You don’t have to.”

      “I wanna. Just relax and enjoy the VIP treatment.”

He closed the door and pulled the blanket off, glancing over my shirtless back.

      “Yeowch. Hang on, I’m gonna need some supplies.”

"S’fine, really...”

He left and returned within minutes, placing some bottles on the floor and sitting next to me.

      “You allergic to anything?”

"Just life.”

He unscrewed a cap, drizzling nice-smelling oil. Putting the bottle down, he gingerly placed his hands on my skin. I shivered. 

      “It’s ok, I gotchu.”

...

He began kneading me ever so gently, starting by ghosting his palms and then massaging with his fingertips. I failed to stifle a whine. 

“S-Sorry. Thank you...”

He chuckled, gradually increasing the intensity. He worked nearly every inch of my skin from scalp to feet, sensing each trouble area and how to alleviate it almost intuitively, applying different salves as he went. I don’t know how much time passed, but I fell asleep at some point and I had melted into a puddle of relaxation once he’d finished. 

"God, you’re amazing... I didn’t deserve that; I wish I could return the favor...”

      “I've adapted to hiking and shit. You haven’t- not yet, at least.”

He did a few more whole-body rubs, then pressed a kiss to the middle of my spine. I jerked slightly, sensation electrifying.

He settled atop me with a content sigh, humming softly. I was smushed into the blankets, but the pressure wasn’t totally unbearable and I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

"I didn’t know you had a “security blanket” mode. 

... This is so confusing. Is it possible to find you comforting, soothing, badass, pure, deep, fun, funny, attractive, and an obnoxious dick all at once?”

      “I'm an experience. I think I make most people a little gay.”

He wiggled his hips, and I groaned quietly.

“M'gonna be a lot gayer if you don't quit it...

You really will be the death of me, and I couldn’t be happier.”

      "Mission accomplished. I got epsom salt if you wanna soak later."

I made a noncommittal noise, pressing back against him. Turning my arm around, I fumbled blindly until I found his hand, intertwining fingers. We fell silent for a couple minutes.

"I don't even know what to say... Thank you, for everything. I am forever indebted to you."

      "... Dude, are you crying? Oh my g-"

"You're just super wonderful and I literally cannot imagine a better person on the planet, and the fact that you choose to put up with me is- is... Look, I'm enjoying being crushed here, but if you could allow me to express my gratitude..."

He complied, and I forced myself upright, catching my breath. He smirked sheepishly.

"Hokay, I'm good... I missed your face." 

       "I'm swooning so hard right now."

"Bug off." 

Countless thoughts rushed through my head, nerves making me jittery. I zoned out, staring blankly at him.

      "... You sure you're good?"

I blinked, reaching a trembling hand up to caress his cheek. It was warm, and unfathomably smooth. His eyes widened, face flushing as I made tiny patterns with my thumb, slowly leaning closer. Head light, body shaking, knees weak, arms spaghetti... 

I shut my eyes, diving in. 

There was a pause, and I opened them again to find my lips smooshed against his snootle. 

The silence was broken by awkward laughter, and the tension fell off my shoulders. Once we calmed down, he held eye contact with me, gently cupping my face with both hands and guiding my lips to his in a chaste kiss before releasing me. 

I looked away with a giddy chortle, hiding against his armpit. He wrapped his arms and legs around me, rocking backwards until I flopped down with him, laying my head on his chest. 

"... Christ, it's going a mile a minute." 

      "You have that effect on me."

"Ha, gay." 

      "Yeah."

I smooched the nearest tiddy, closing my eyes again blissfully as he stroked my hair.

 

Once I’d gotten up to face the day, I received hygienic supplies in the form of a beeswax and honey soap bar with sprigs of lavender, a bamboo toothbrush, a small metal tin with powdered peppermint baking soda toothpaste, someone’s (clean) stainless steel razor, an assortment of cotton towels, more goddamn baking soda and essential oils in the form of deodorant, and even floss made of some sort of plant fibers, coated in more beeswax. A glass bottle of concentrated, minty alcohol served as mouthwash and additional disinfectant. I tested it on one of my scrapes, wincing at its effectiveness.

Minaeus informed me that there were more ingredients in their products and a large variation available at their online store, but since they were all prepared relatively quickly they kept excess on hand. They sold on site and at a farmers market; however, the bulk of their groceries were purchased by food stores. The hemp was their cash crop, so to speak, bought up by manufacturers like booze during Prohibition. They used their excess wealth to purchase nearby land as it became available before developers and the likes could snag it, keeping the majority untouched as a sort of wildlife preserve. They acquired worn-down, humanized places as well, selling or donating salvageable building materials and dismantling the rest for nature to reclaim it, repurposing whatever possible. They allocated space that was previously a parking lot for a community garden, where people who lacked the resources could grow their own plants. They farmed independently after learning the basics, and only had to pay for seeds and their own rain barrels, if they wanted them. The only real rule was that herbicides and insecticides were forbidden, but safe remedies were also for sale. He showed me the field from a window, and I was amazed at just how large and populated it was. Fruit trees fenced the perimeter, and the empty spots were filled with wildflowers.

      “Boi, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. A lot of people work at the greenhouse, too, and they tend to use those fancy vertical gardens with irrigation systems to save time and space. But yeah, there’s a metric fuckton of herbs, greens, grains, lentils, carrots, peas, beans, potatos, tomatoes, youuuuuu name it.”

”Holy shit. You guys are like, the good version of Whole Foods.”

      “... I don’t know what that means, but I will take it as a compliment.”

 

We headed down the steep, spiral staircase, and I was smart enough to go barefoot this time instead of risking slipping in socks. Everyone was already out for the day, so he heated up some rolled oats with fruit and nuts, grabbing two forks and plopping them right in the bowl before setting it down. I found their WiFi router, reconnecting with the world apathetically.

“I feel so healthy, ugh. Are we gonna start doing yoga and going for jogs at dawn?”

He snorted, taking a large mouthful. 

“Also, sharing oatmeal? What are we, an old married couple?”

      “You gotta admit, it’s good,” he mumbled between chews.

“Yeah.”

...

      “Mm, nerd spit. Now we’re even closer~”

“Ok, I’m done.”

I slid my chair back, pushing myself up with my hands on the table.

      “Sit yo ass down, bitch.”

“I was gonna go chill in bed... You can join me when you’re finished voring my germs or whatever.”

      “C’mon, man, it won’t kill you to not sleep all day. There’s stuff I wanna show you.”

I heaved a melodramatic sigh, meandering to the back of his chair and resting my chin atop his head. He tilted to lick it, and I retaliated by tickling his sides.

“... We’re fucking weird, aren’t we?”

      “Hell yeah, in the best way.”


	12. Chapter 12

He led me out the bottle room door, down a stone path through a quaint, lush garden teeming with hostas, lilacs, hyacinths, daffodils, lilies-of-the-valley, tulips, poppies, and loads of other species I couldn’t identify, growing in a natural, haphazard manner and becoming more diverse as they integrated with the surrounding meadows. Two stone fountains ran continuously, along with a creek in the distance, providing the wildlife with clean drinks and baths. Butterflies and bees pollinated the blossoming trees and flora scenting the breeze, and several hummingbirds flitted from trumpet flowers and honeysuckles, vines thoroughly encasing their trellises. He pointed out a fawn resting several yards away, and waited yet again for me to finish taking pictures to move on. A wide variety of birds partook in clusters of native seed grasses and berry bushes, far enough away to observe without startling. Over a dozen beehives were placed along the perimeter, and I joked about them being a security feature.

      “That, and the thorny plants, hidden burrows, and bats... They’re also good pest control.” 

He pointed out a number of wooden boxes on the edge of the forest.

“Damn.”

...

      “Oh, hey, smell this shit.”

He gestured to a windowbox outside the kitchen, filled with herbs. I approached it, careful not to step on any plants in the process.

      “You can just reach out and grab some when you’re cooking.”

“Nice, but I’m too white for that and I don’t cook.”

He snorted, jostling me playfully.

      “... Do you not know how to, or do you just not like to?”

“I mean, I just don’t like food, period. I wish I didn’t need it... I basically live off of nutritional supplements, heh.”

      “As long as you’re healthy. Personally, I live by the four F’s: food, fucking, fitness, and furry friends. Gotta get those feel-good neurochemicals.”

“I respect that... Oh, I do make tea sometimes.”

      “You can pick your own tea leaves here and sun-dry ‘em.”

“Jeez, that’s badass!”

 

We passed the fence on the opposite side of the house, watching Hiya play with the dogs. 

“My goal is to remember all of their names by the end of this week.”

      “Good luck, because you’re about to meet a lot more.”

“Hm?”

      “They couldn’t stop at dogs, ya know. We have lots of land for rescues.”

A while off behind the house was a barn with an even larger enclosure. The greenhouse could be seen in the distance, fucking ginormous, as described. 

“... Holy fucking frying pans flipping flapjacks.”

A number of additional dogs were roaming free, going wherever they pleased. Some were playing gently with the farm animals inside. 

      “These are the bestest buppies. Actually, every dog is the best, but they never run away or get into trouble.”

“How many do you have?!”

      “It varies. We try to find them good homes so we can keep adopting. Right now...” 

He looked around, counting.

      “... With the ones in the house, seventeen.”

“Oh my god.”

I hurried to greet everyone within view, dropping to my knees each time and letting them sniff me. Some were more energetic than others, even bringing their toys as welcome presents. I teared up, attempting to give them as much affection as possible.

Once I’d succeeded in my quest, I hopped the fence, cautiously engaging with goats, chickens, sheep, and pigs. A couple cows and horses meandered around the field, eventually coming over as well. I administered pets and hugs whenever possible, and he gave me treats to feed them.

“I love you so much,” I murmured.

      “You too.”

“I was talking to Gracie, but ok.”

I smushed my face against her wool, and she rested her head on my shoulder as I took a selfie.

“You’re a literal angel...”

      “I know.”

We spent a good hour or so just curled up with some cows in the shade. I discovered that they were incredibly friendly, gentle giants, affectionate like dogs but much calmer and slower. The one I was reclining against pressed her rubbery snoot to my cheek, proceeding to lick it with her long, sandpaper-like tongue.

“I‘ve been blessed,” I sniffled.

      “Someday, I’ll steal you away to Tiny Paws. They have a whole kitten room.”

I hugged his side, overjoyed. He patted my back with an amused smile.

A tiny brown and white field mouse scampered along a beam, tilting his ears and pausing to study us. Minaeus tossed him a corn kernel, and he quickly ducked under, reappearing moments later to take it and dart off.

      “Fucking adorable.”

“I’m gonna cry. This is it, the pinnacle of my life. I will literally never feel happier than-”

He caught me in a surprise smooch, and I fell backwards against my sleeping steed, who didn’t even look up.

“... I was wrong.”

 

“I wanna... I wanna LIVE HERE. I’ll sleep in the hayloft, I don’t care.”

      “Mm, you might change your mind in the very near future.”

“Why?”

He smirked.

Workers had been coming and going, but soon, two appeared on wagon bikes, returning up a path that apparently led to a nearby town. They sorted through collected scraps of food compost, giving the edible bits to the critters and dumping the rest in the bin, turning the crank a couple times before pedaling off to dismantle in the shed.

“That’s a nonissue, though. It’s just... soil, right?”

He laughed darkly. 

A couple others arrived, picking up shovels. They opened the grate on a downwind, previously unnoticed, incredibly large concrete vat, set only a foot or two underground. They proceeded to shovel all of its dry contents into the furnace of what appeared to be a giant oven, a safe distance away. Once it was emptied, they began the process of scooping up the animal waste around us, dropping it in. Someone walked down with buckets of dog doodoo, adding to the pile. They used a hoe to flatten it out for even drying, then shut the grate again.

“... Oh, shit.” 

      “There’s more. Uh, you might not wanna look, though.”

...

One of the workers brought a stack of items sorted from the food waste, unpackaging them. The fire was lit, and the items placed on the top iron rack. A truck pulled up within the next ten minutes or so, and he turned away, shielding my eyes as they unloaded the contents of the flatbed and started processing them.

      “Roadkill, hunters’ excess, unsellable but still edible meat... You really think we’d buy that much dog food?

      ... Don’t worry; it’s all examined and tested for communicable shiz. We wouldn’t give them anything that wasn’t safe, and they get fresh veggies and grains, too. S’way healthier than store-bought. Whenever we have leftovers, we give ‘em to the shelter.”

I nodded bleakly, breathing through my mouth to avoid the stench. The smoky heat still wafted on us, though.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

He helped me up, and I bade my newfound companions farewell. 

      “It’s sustainable and environmentally responsible; plus, they’re not enabling factory farms... Trust me, I hate roadkill as much as you- we took over their homes, and forced them to cross dangerous roads... If I could, I’d build those land bridges and tunnels at every wildlife crossing.

      And hunting, it's fucking evil. All of that imbalance with overpopulation and invasive species, it's our fault- we brought foreign plants and critters to new places and demonized them for just trying to adapt and survive, we killed off natural predators... We fucked everything up, and instead of trying to fix the root issues with compassion, we use them to justify sociopathic behavior.”

...

“It just sucks how everyone dies, ya know? Animals, they have it the worst... Nothing’s fair; innocents suffer while assholes prosper... Life is a raw deal.”

     “The rawest,” he agreed.

 

“... I feel like I should be helping you guys. Is there anything I can do?”

      “They actually have everything taken care of, for the most part. They get me to lift heavy stuff and reach high places so they don't have to bother people with other jobs... The squirrels need to fed pretty often, though, so that’s something.”

We went back to the basement, getting them situated again.

...

“Sorry, I’m running out of words to say. I’m gonna start recycling my catchphrases and stealing yours.”

      “It’s chill.

...

      Wanna, uh, spew random funfacts? Whatever comes to mind, just put it out there.”

“Heh, ok. 

... I like critters because they’re easier to understand and get along with. And when they don’t like you or something you're doing, they're transparent, but I have trouble not taking rejections personally... I’m sure you can read them much better than me, since you’re studying their behavior and communication and whatnot.”

      “Yeah, humans kinda suck. I worked retail for almost a year, and wanted to kill myself every single shift. I think I’d rather be broke and homeless, if I had to choose... I don’t know how any sane person can stand it.”

“I don’t think I could last that long... You’re so strong, man.

... Anna and I had an emo phase. She’d straighten my hair, and I used eyeshadow to accentuate the bags under my eyes, heh... I never really stopped liking MCR or Linkin Park, but they’re painful to revisit just because of all the memories I’ve associated with them.

We even had a MySpace for our covers... I forget what we called ourselves. It probably still exists,” I laughed.

      “I, uh, I played neopets a lot, and I adopted a bunch of pre-owned tamagotchis on eBay.

      I actually had a pretty good childhood. I was too young to remember anything about my bio parents, but I was taken by the CPS of Colombia, so they were apparently assholes. My moms helped me officiate gender shit after kindergarten, and no one ever found out.

      We’re actually not that far from civilization, haha. I biked or they walked me to school every day.”

“Public school?”

He nodded.

“I went to an all-boys boarding school from age five to fourteen, the fancy kind with suit uniforms and 8 pm bedtime on the weekends. I was basically raised by nuns.”

      “That sounds terrifying.”

“It could’ve been much worse than it actually was. My peers were fairly normal; I was just a little shit who didn’t get along with anyone except Sophie. She was my one whole friend and source of comfort.”

      “You had an aunt, right? Did you ever live with her?”

“Not really. She was alright; she was just old and unmarried and she didn’t want a kid.”

      “So, you didn’t have any other family?”

“None documented. I have the inheritances of, like, seven dead people.”

He grimaced.

“Granted, most were poor; my grandparents were all deceased by the time my parents passed, and I don’t remember much about my early childhood. I wish I did, because the memories I do have of them are pretty great, but I know that my father worked in a shipyard, and my mother ran our homestead. We lived in a tiny cottage out in the country without electricity or gas; this place reminds me of it, but way, way nicer. They spoke Welsh and English, but all I learned of Welsh were swears, heheh. They did their best to keep me innocent.

... Sophie was from one of those abandoned boxes of sad kittens. They took in the whole litter, but she was the only one who wanted to stay once they were fully grown... Can you believe she’s never so much as hissed at me? Never scratched, nothing. She used to get protective and turn into something fierce around the other kids, though. She was like my guardian.

...

Sorry, I went on another monologue. So, uh, why Wildlife Biology?”

      “It just feels like the logical choice. What did you say your major was?”

“I’m not exactly sure, heh. I wanted a dual major of, like, astrophysics and quantum mechanics... I think I put down quantum physics.”

      “Any reason why?”

“I thought I was a lot smarter than I am, and I wanted to unlock the mysteries of the universe. Dark energy, undiscovered particle types and processes, all that jazz. My ultimate aspiration was to find a way to transform physical matter into a state of pseudoexistence.”

      “... So, you wanted to grow up to be a mad scientist. I like it.”

“Yeah, it’s whatever... I think this year did a pretty good job of grounding me in reality.

I suck at learning new things; I could never do sports or games or instruments, and I can’t even absorb materials explained to me. I’ve always had to teach myself in my free time; when I was younger, I guess it came more easily, so I was ahead of the class while they were struggling and doing the hard work of becoming proper students accustomed to making mistakes and moving forward from them.

I dunno, I still have to learn resilience and stop being so afraid of failing. I don’t challenge myself enough, and I need to get better at adapting, and life in general.

... Shit, sorry, I did it again.”

      “At least you’re aware of your problems. Most people aren’t that introspective.”

“See, that’s exactly it, though. I’m aware, but I haven’t done anything about them. Sometimes I try, but I keep giving up too easily.”

He shrugged, falling into silence.

      “... Hey, how old are you?”

“Twenty-one. I couldn’t handle full-time and spent my first two years doing pre-req bs, so I only just started learning physics stuff... I’m supposed to further my education after I graduate, but I don’t think either of those things are going to happen.”

      “I’m twenty-six. You have plenty of time to figure it out.”

“But- You don’t- Holy shit.”

      “I didn’t even start college until I was twenty-three. I had no idea what to do with my life... Still don’t.”

“You’re accomplishing amazing feats, though!”

He smiled half-heartedly, ruffling my hair with his free hand.

      “You’re more likable than you think. You’re nice, expressive, entertaining, thoughtful... If you get out there and just be yourself, you’ll attract lots of friends.

      From what I understand, you have trouble with close relationships. And that shit’s hard, especially for people like you. Just, uh... Just be patient, work hard, keep trying, and do your best? Sorry, I’m not used to giving advice.”

The squirrels were much more active in the daytime, climbing on us like a jungle gym while we tried to direct their attention back to their bottles. Both were clinging to my shirt by the time we’d finished, so he plucked them off gingerly, swaddling them up again so we could carry them to their play area.

“What is it about these furries that prompts soul-spilling?”

He made a noise akin to “I dunno.”

“... I like you, a lot.”

      “Ditto.”

“Thanks.”

      “Np.”


	13. Chapter 13

“... Hey, uh-”

      “Mm?”

He glanced over at me, taking a swig from his water bottle. We were currently biking our asses off on stationary machines to charge our phones, enjoying the view of the tree-covered hills from the upper floor. The temperature in the room was comfortable, and the fan encompassed us in a cool breeze.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did your moms meet?”

      “It was like a goddamn fairytale- they were brought to the same ghetto orphanage. Eshe most likely wasn’t wanted by her parents, and Persinna was unplanned, so her mom couldn’t take care of her. They grew up together, but when Eshe turned 16, she was forced out. Persinna got pissed and straight-up ran away with her. They were on their own, sleeping at shelters, getting water from public sinks, dumpster diving... just fighting to survive in a polluted, crime-ridden, overpopulated concrete jungle. They wanted more than anything to get away from it all, so they saved up to buy an old van from a scrapyard. Eventually, some kind mechanic managed to fix it, and they drove the fuck out of there. They didn’t get too far, since they didn’t actually know how to drive. They just barely made it to a rest stop on the outskirts, and it never turned on again, but it had a keyhole on the door and a manual lock, so they started living in it. They found their first park, full of dank nature but run-down and basically abandoned, so they collected bags of recyclable trash everywhere they went- You know how some bottles have those stamps with how much they’re worth? Five cents, max. Metal sold for a lot more. Their staple was dollar-store peanut butter.

      Anyway, they found a library nearby and started spending their days there, since it was safer than everywhere else they’d been. Clean water fountains, bathrooms, couches, electricity, books... and a nice old lady with a bowl of mints on her desk. She worked the last shift, and she kept it open as late as possible. They didn’t beg, didn’t even say they were homeless, but it must’ve been obvious. She started bringing snacks for them, and then a knitted blanket, hand-me-down clothes, basic essentials... but she lived alone in a single-room apartment with a strict tenant and not much money- she didn’t even have a car. Her name was Edith, and pretty much everyone she loved was dead. She said they reminded her of her daughter, and she taught them lots of things in her spare time, told stories, invited them over for meals and lent her shower on a regular basis... They volunteered to help her reshelve, organize files, do housekeeping etc, since she was an ancient relic. She was basically their mom for four years. They read a metric shitload of books together, took notes and doodled on blank reference cards, learned about all sorts of stuff. Persinna obviously loved plants, and Eshe critters, even though they never had any of their own. 

      When she died, she willed everything she had to them. They were fucking heartbroken, but they could finally afford to finish high school and get okayish jobs. From there, they had a string of better luck, and they started selling expensive, all-natural, homemade products at yuppie stores. Shit was an instant hit, and they fine-tuned everything over time to make a successful brand, Mothers Nature. It was too risky to come out of the closet, so that was their subtle way of expressing themselves. Things changed a lot, but it’s been their name for like thirty years now.

      By the time they were in their mid-twenties, they’d moved up to Burlington and bought this land on a farm auction. They formed partnerships with schools, organizations, scientists, conservationists... recruited volunteers and worked their asses off turning a flat dirt field into the fucking utopia it is today. They were still low on funds, so they became licensed hemp suppliers and made it their main crop, which let them hire workers for decent wages and give back to the community. After a couple more years, they established their “business” in the global marketplace, got into a fostering program... and I was their first lil bastard.”

He caught his breath, winded from monologging while exercising.

“... Holy shit.”


	14. Chapter 14

I got back into the swing of messaging, attempting to be social. Bringing up The Hummingbirds’ group chat, the topic was still set as “we need a goddamn bass player.” It hadn’t been active in months, aside from memes and Anna posting our schedules. I usually didn’t bother checking, since we always went together. Worrying my lower lip thoughtfully, I scrolled through my photos and sent one with a significant amount of canines. Within the next hour, Anna responded with heart-eyes and a selfie with Sophie, and Ted forwarded a dog gif. I grinned.  

* * *

  **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick:** IT LIVES

 **Ghost Twink:** hey! 

 **Ghost Twink:** ... what the hell, ann?

 **Femme Fatalish:** c;

**\- Ghost Twink (akgerhardt) changed their name to Ghost Bird. -**

**Femme Fatalish:** *:

 **Ghost Bird:**  not cute, stop it

 **Femme Fatalish:** That’s what you get for never being on here. I changed it nearly a year ago.

 **Ghost Bird:** ...

 **Ghost Bird:** well, this is embarrassing 

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick:** Are you trying to tell us something that may or may not be related to being called a twink?

 **Ghost Bird:** what

 **Femme Fatalish:** He’s currently living out his own version of Brokeback Mountain.

 **Ghost Bird:** for fuck’s sake, i don’t do dicks

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick:** You know, if you did, we wouldn’t judge you. We’re all friends here, and we're fond of phallic members.

 **Ghost Bird:** this. this is why i never socialize

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls:** what’s good?

 **Femme Fatalish:** I didn’t say you were into dicks.

 **Ghost Bird:** but you implied it

 **Ghost Bird:** i’m not into anything. that is a known fact. can we please move on?

 **Ghost Bird:** oh, hi, ted! sorry. how are you?

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls:** alright, trying to bribe someone on craigslist to come kill me lol

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick:** He’s moving on Friday.

 **Ghost Bird:** oh thank fuck

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls:** i’m not gonna make it. i already willed most of my shit to cooler people, but al can have my field guides, his cat can have my bug collection, anna can sell my comics, and i specifically want andrew to hump my headstone while wearing my boxers in front of my grieving parents. eye contact is a plus. 

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick:** You will be avenged.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls:** but, but during the funeral i expect you all to get up and start talking shit about them

 **Femme Fatalish:** With pleasure.

 **Femme Fatalish:** But yes, Alastair is honeymooning with a hunk.

 **Ghost Bird:** you know what? i might just never come back. have fun paying for everything yourself

 **Femme Fatalish:**  6’9, shredded, long, tan, and handsome. Quite charming, really. I should add him!!

 **Ghost Bird:** don’t even think about it

 **Ghost Bird:** ha, you’re totally bluffing. you don’t have his number 

 **Ghost Bird:** please don’t i’m begging you

**\- voretwenty69 joined your party! -**

**voretwenty69:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/

 **Ghost Bird:** fuck. 

* * *

 I rubbed my brow, resisting the urge to throw a fit in favor of sending her a private one. 

* * *

  **anna.noh + akgerhardt**

bitch

**What?**

where the hell do you get off thinking it’s ok to divulge my personal matters without my consent? i feel like you *are* getting off to this, in fact, that you set me up with him just so you could have some fetish material! get a life!

**I’m sorry, Alastair. I was just teasing.**

well, it was shitty. i wouldn’t dream of intentionally embarrassing you.

**You know they don’t think anything of it, right? They’re your friends; they don’t care what you do. What happens in the chat stays in the chat.**

**Al?**

**Your life is not my spectacle; I just want you to be happy. I gave him the opportunity to spend more time with you in the hopes that you might hit it off and feel less alone while you heal. You’re always third-wheeling us, and... Platonic, romantic, that’s none of my business. I overstepped, and I’m sorry.  
**

no, i’m sorry... i overreacted, and i shouldn’t’ve gone off on you. i said horrible things; i have no right to be like that.

**Apology accepted.**

... and thanks. you helped me lose my oral virginity.

**Your what?**

i just had lip-to-lip contact for the first time in my pathetic life. it was electrifying. 

**Oh. Hehe.**

you guys have got to visit this place. it’s frickin paradise! i’ll get the address and you can stop by anytime. they have spare rooms, and the cutest critters and prettiest plants, and his family is so kind and everything’s so green. i love you.

**Love you too, ya goof... but I think we need to work on our communication skills a bit more.**

i think so too. it’s mostly me, though; you know i do a bad job of understanding other people and expressing myself properly... maybe if there was some way to establish boundaries for future conversations-

* * *

 My headache had started up again during all of this, and I tried to clear my thoughts as I focused on damage-control. 

_God, that was idiotic. She’s been my best friend for seven years now; she would never try to hurt me... Still, I feel like I shouldn’t be so damn sensitive in the first place. I get hung up on the stupidest, least important shit and see things differently than normal people... I shouldn’t expect the world to change for me._

_What in the everloving fuck am I doing?_

“Your squad’s pretty nice. When are they playing again?”

I snapped back to reality, looking up.

”Frig, that’s the whole reason I messaged them. Ugh... Sorry, I just need to sort this out.”

      “Sort what out?”

”The schedule, and myself.”


	15. Chapter 15

That evening went even more pleasantly than the last, all smiles and laughter at the table. We fed the squirrels again, went out to watch the firefly show until well after dark, and then they went off to bed. They were on a dawn-to-dusk schedule, since they practically lived on a farm. I headed to the empty bedroom, feeling isolated from the others and just a tad apprehensive. 

_No, I can’t get homesick. This is a grand adventure, and I’ll be damned if I let myself ruin it..._

I laid in bed, uncomfortably awake and missing Sophie. The familiarities of my mundane life felt so far away, despite knowing I’d be fuck-deep in them again in less than a week. This was the time to do different things, explore, decompress... 

I rubbed a corner of my quilt between my fingers restlessly while a barrage of thoughts rushed over me. Shutting my eyes, I tried to will myself to sleep.

I gave up after forty-five minutes or so, standing and running a hand through my hair. I went to check my phone and nearly blinded myself. Stumbling out into the hallway, I just sort of stood there until my eyes adjusted, making out a previously closed ceiling ladder unfolded in front of me.

_Good thing I got my bearings first instead of falling on my face and making a huge commotion. Heh..._

I grasped the rail, climbing it cautiously. The rungs opened to soft carpet, and I scooted in the rest of the way, looking around.

The room was lit dimly by starlight, ceiling entirely transparent. It was a domelike structure, reminiscent of a lighthouse watchtower.

He was out cold, sprawled on his back across a beanbag in a pillow pile on the floor. His features were relaxed, breath slow and even. I smiled fondly, arguably being a creep. 

Finding a spare blanket off to the side, I attempted to sneak in as subtly as possible. The moment I brushed against him, he stirred, wrapping his arms around me not unlike a Venus flytrap closing.

      “... Can’t sleep?”

I shook my head, which was currently smushed against his tiddy.

”S’beautiful here,” I murmured quietly.

      “Mmmm.”

I managed to resurface, poking my face out to look up.

More fireflies twinkled above us, bats flitting to and fro. The moon was a thin crescent, providing enough darkness to see the Milky Way. The sky was navy blue and deep purple, speckled with stars and planets of different sizes and hues, some in clusters, others scattered sporadically. I recognized a few constellations, but for the most part, I had no idea what I was looking at. Shimmying to retrieve my phone, I found a live camera app to identify everything I could point at. He grumbled at the disturbance I was causing, tightening his hold. I stilled, getting comfortable.

It was still too early in the summer for crickets and cicadas and the likes, so I laid in silence, interrupted only by the rhythm of his body. It was all-encompassing, lulling me into a sense of security and calm.

”... I wish this was all there was to living. Just being with you, not having to worry or deal with anything.

...

I wish we could stay like this forever.”

I figured he was either asleep or too tired to respond, so I closed my eyes again.

I was just starting to doze off when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head, taking my glasses off. I smiled to myself, nestling closer.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (nsfw)

The light of dawn illuminated our surroundings, lulling me out of sleep. It was nice to wake up before him, snug in his arms, as neither circumstance had coincided until then. I laid there for a while, just experiencing it all. Various birds called to one another and swooped overhead while the sky gradually shifted from periwinkle and pale yellow to pastel blue and lilac, clouds whitening with the changes.

His chest rose and fell under me like rolling waves, uninterrupted. I gazed up at his peaceful face, admiring each feature and resisting the urge to map them out. Feeling bold, I traced the outline of his two-toned, tan lips as delicately as possible.

He made a small noise, mouth moving once I withdrew. I hesitated for a moment before pressing a kiss to it. He wrapped his legs around my waist, beginning to grind against my crotch lazily. I squeaked, going rigid, and he stopped.

      “... Mmn?”

He half-opened his eyes after a moment, staring, unfocused, past me as he got his bearings. I just sorta stayed frozen.

...

      “Heh, sorry.”

“S’ok.”

He paused, holding eye contact as if asking for permission. I leaned back in embarrassedly, smooching him chastely.

He cupped the back of my head to pull me closer, moving his lips against mine. We had enough sense to keep it mostly closed and dry, as the morning breath was rather repulsive. He placed a hand on my shoulder and rolled his hips experimentally. I failed to stifle a whine, thrusting clumsily in an attempt to keep up with him. We fell into a slowly increasing pace, and he parted intermittently to pepper my jaw and neck with sleepy kisses and nibbles. I tried my best to reciprocate, shaking from adrenaline. The soft fabric of his briefs against my boxers created a decadent friction as the heat built between us. He moaned quietly when he peaked, gripping me almost painfully. I followed as he finished, burying my face in his shirt to muffle my voice.

He stroked me tenderly as we caught our breath, hearts racing.

“... Holy fuck.”

      “Nice way to start the day.”

“Y-Yeah.”

      “You ok?”

“I just... didn’t anticipate it, heh... I’ve never-”

      “Shit, I wasn’t thinking… I would’ve lit candles and sprinkled rose petals or something to make it special. My first time was in a moonlit meadow.”

“Really?”

      “Nah, it was in a Taco Bell parking lot after junior prom with some chick I just met. We were high as fuck, having an orgy in my friend’s van... All I really remember is nutting.”

“That sounds magical,” I laughed.

He rambled on as we cuddled, giddy and tired in the afterglow. Eventually, he talked us both to sleep.

When we awoke several hours later, I felt less groggy, declining further interaction until I’d brushed my teeth and showered. I returned in more of his old clothes, much to his amusement.

“Ok, sorry, I’m good... God, I was gross; I feel like I tossed the rest of my dignity out the window.”

      “It was just... extra flavor~”

“Please don’t tell me you’re into that.”

      “M’kidding. I’ll go get cleaned up.”

“I hope I didn’t use all the hot water...”

      “Nah, you were quick this time. I like cold showers, anyway.”

“Seriously?”

      “Yeah, s’better for your skin and hair.”

“I prefer to bathe in hellfire to prepare me for the afterlife.”

He snorted, patting me before getting up.

 

We sat at the table, him munching away happily and me lost in thought on my phone.

...

“Hey, uh...”

He shoveled a large spoonful into his mouth.

      “Hmm?”

“... I feel like I shouldn’t have these sorts of conversations, and I’m sorry for being like this, but... I guess I got caught up in the moment; everything was so lovely and perfect and I- I think I should go home before I make you regret ever helping me. I’m a fucking disaster, and- I‘m only attracted to you because you’re you; I don’t have any desire to, you know, with anyone else, but you do, right? You’re not going to change your lifestyle for me, and you absolutely shouldn’t have to. I don’t want to be the clingy, jealous type while you’re out getting laid, and frankly, I can’t even imagine why you’d want to put up with the likes of me to begin with, aside from financial support... I’m afraid that I’m never going to be what you deserve, and there are so many better people out there that I would completely understand if you wanted to just chalk this up to a hormonal whim and stay buddies at the most, because I’m too selfish to leave your life entirely-”

He started coughing violently into his elbow, pausing to take a drink and thump his chest.

“Shit, are you ok?!”

He coughed several more times, then dried his eyes, taking a deep breath.

      “Sorry, wrong pipe. 

      ... I don’t know what I have to do to convince you that I want to be with you. I know exactly what I signed up for; I know how to look out for myself, and I sure as fuck have my own issues. You get me on a whole other level than anyone else; I genuinely like you for who you are, and as long as we keep working on ourselves and keep an open dialogue going, there’s no reason for me to have second thoughts. Listen, I had an abusive girlfriend, and it sucked; I barely got away, and she left lasting scars. I wish I could get that time back, but I learned a lot from it, and I don’t intend to take any shit ever again.

      Honesty, respect, mutual understanding- all that stuff you said you and Anna practice is what makes a relationship healthy. I don’t think people are born knowing how to do things right; having good examples to follow and being educated about everything help, but, just like life, it’s a work-in-progress, and there will always be room for improvement. Relationships are like pets- they can be great, but they require maintenance and commitment, and if you’re not up for that at this point, it’s totally fine. You need to take care of yourself first- I’ll still be here.”

I stared at my reflection in the screen as I fidgeted with my phone, which had turned off a while ago. 

“... I’m glad one of us has his shit together and knows what he’s doing. 

Maybe we could just kinda take it slow? I’m fine with you having sex with other people, and will continue to be, regardless of our status, but... have you ever been emotionally intimate with them? Or is it a no-strings-attached sort of deal?”

      “Honestly? The latter.”

...

“And... this, this was-”

      “The former; something completely different.”

I forced myself to put my phone down, meeting his gaze again. 

“I can’t imagine better circumstances, and there’s no one else in the world that I’d want to be with... There never will be; I have an acute sense for these sorts of things.”

He chortled, leaning across the table. I dabbed the syrup off his mouth with a cloth napkin before smooching him again.

* * *

 

** akgerhardt + anna.noh**

9:42 AM

[ **https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o** ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o)

i am indebted to you for life

10:38 AM

**You’re just happy that Righty doesn’t have to do all the work anymore.**

actually i take it back

**Too late.**

dammit

seriously though, thanks

**Go get ‘em, tiger.**


	17. Chapter 17

“So, what do you wanna do today?”

      “I dunno... Plant Mom needs my help in the greenhouse first, if you wanna come.”

“Heck yeah, I do.”

We took a different path there, passing the shed and a smaller house that he said was Eshe’s actual wildlife rehab center. Attached to it was a room lined with screens, which he explained was used to rear all sorts of airborne critters, from moths and butterflies to baby bats, hummingbirds, and flying squirrels- not all at once, obviously, and they were kept in separate confines when not exercising. A passageway between the door to the room and the door to the building served as an added security measure, should one get loose, and another door leading outside was used only to release them.

I admired everything from afar, strolling under the large trees that shaded the walkway. It was sunny and hot, but the covering and occasional breezes offered reprieve.

Eventually, we arrived at our destination. Like all of the other buildings, it was made with repurposed and recycled materials, covered in colorful solar panels, and surrounded by pretty outdoor plants. A large fountain ran continuously, providing fresh water for wildlife. The roof was lined with special gutters to collect rainwater and channel it into the indoor irrigation system. 

“How do your parents not, like, have their own documentary and global acknowledgement?”

      “Black lesbians, but most of the locals like us, and we partner with a lot of small companies and schools; plus, we have visitors, volunteers, donors, and a pretty strong internet presence, on top of a successful nonprofit with a well-paid workforce... They made it happen, and that’s all they really care about.” 

...

“You guys are fucking incredible.”

      “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

 

Unsurprisingly, all of the resources used were sustainable- they made far more solar energy than needed, so they sold the extra to a nearby provider each month. Some researchers used the place to test new technologies that could be put into widespread practice, as well as providing genetically modified produce that yielded better, more efficient crops. Excess seeds were bagged and offered as free samples to nearby farms in the hopes that they would reduce their waste and eliminate the use of dangerous chemicals altogether. Persinna admitted that the main reason they were doing it was to stop their bees and fish from getting hurt when the wind and rain carried the toxins over.

“... You have fish?” I murmured to Minaeus as we left.

      “Just a pond in the woods.”

“You have your own woods?!”

      “S’part of the whole conservation thing. It’s not open to the public since they’d fuck it up, but we offer educational tours. I could take you on one~”

“Honestly, I’d like to get lost with you again.”

      “Hell yeah.”

We headed down another previously unknown trail, and he nonchalantly took my hand, swinging it as we walked.

              “Gaaaaaay.”

I jumped, spinning around. He groaned, directing my attention to a cherry tree behind us. Hiya sat on a high branch, picking the fruit cheerfully. She tossed one at him. 

      “We’re just high-fiving really fast.”

She giggled, throwing several more, which he caught and pocketed.

      “What are you, twelve?”

               “Yes.”

      “K, thought so.”

               “... Do you want to hear more embarrassing things about him from before I was born?”

“I think I’ll pass, heh.”

               “When he was ten, he believed in fairies and tried to find them. He read lots of books and left letters on post-its next to tiny presents like berries and doll clothes and sugar water in bottle caps-”

“Really? Gosh, that’s so friggin’ pure...”

               “He wanted to fall in love with one and share pixie dust to fly together, so he carried a doll everywhere to pretend and wrote stories and drew pictures of them.”

She made a series of smoochy noises and gestures.

      “Welp, this is a great time to leave.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, taking my hand again and pulling me away.

                “Bye, Minoodle~” 

She chucked another cherry, which bounced off his head.


	18. Chapter 18

**voretwenty69** : Yeah no he totally gives off twink vibes

 **Ghost Bird** : what if i was attracted to women only?

 **voretwenty69** : Doesn’t matter, it’s your soul that’s gay

 **Femme Fatalish** : I rest my case.

 **Ghost Bird** : fuck you both

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : Phrasing in context.

 **Ghost Bird** : fuck you too

 **voretwenty69** : lmao damn man, don’t be greedy

 **Ghost Bird** : fuck you 10x

 **voretwenty69** : I’ll get the lube

 **Ghost Bird** : ok but seriously, can we stop talking about this?

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : hey

 **Ghost Bird** : it’s been two days...

 **Ghost Bird** : hi ted.

 **Femme Fatalish** : Yes. Just remember: you’re a little shit, but you’re our little shit.

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : I think you’ve been sufficiently roasted for avoiding a year’s worth of meme spam.

 **Ghost Bird** : great, awesome. so you’re sure you don’t want a room? there’s two spares; you’d just have to share beds with your respective partners

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : nah, i like camping. you know he’s gonna sneak out to look for creepy shit in the middle of the night

 **Ghost Bird** : i would advise against that, as it will be dark out and there are a lot of nocturnal creatures. we probably wouldn’t even hear you from the house...

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : it’s a lost cause

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : I have a high tolerance for the unnerving and unusual, and I find it interesting. It’s like how some people can handle spicy food better than others, so they hit the jalapeños hard for that brief rush.

 **Ghost Bird** : no offense but that sounds kinda masochistic

 **voretwenty69** : He’s just salty cause he’s whiter than all of you combined

 **voretwenty69** : lmao he can’t even handle chili powder 

 **voretwenty69** : Wait, wait, I meant to ask ten years ago- do you dudes go to champlain?

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : yeah

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : I’m Psych! 

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : I chose my major because I want to help the helpless and empower them, turn the lights on and show them there’s no boogeyman under the bed. Preferably during their formative years, so they won’t have to unlearn and unpack as much.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : i’m ecology. all about that naturalist life

 **voretwenty69** : O shit! Ballsack, what's your last name? 

 **voretwenty69** : We might've had classes together

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : green lol

 **voretwenty69** : For real? Lmao

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : were you that really tall dude in biochem who researched gay reptile mating rituals

 **voretwenty69** : Damn STRAIGHT. That’s me.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : eyyyyy

 **voretwenty69** : I prob remember you; I’m just bad at matching names and faces. How’s your Educational Journey(tm) going?

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : lost some time bc i switched halfway through freshman year lol

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : they wanted me to be business, so they were po’d

 **voretwenty69** : I’m in the fuck business on the side. It’s the best of both worlds.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : nice.

 **voretwenty69** : For real, you get to be your own boss, pick your hours, and nut. I don’t do it that often bc i wanna lay low, but it pays. I work at the gym on campus part-time, lifeguard in the summer, get quick cash with my ass-ets when needed

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : we should have a squad beach day

 **voretwenty69** : Hell yeahhhhhhhhhhh

 **voretwenty69** : Hey al, whatchu think about that?

 **Ghost Bird** : are you for real messaging me three feet away

 **voretwenty69** : Yep.

 **Ghost Bird** : sounds fun! but we should probably figure out the weekend first haha

 **Femme Fatalish** : I propose Friday into Sunday. Winston’s getting out early for once.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : seconded

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : Thirded.

 **voretwenty69** : Aight cool this is a thing that is happening now

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : A celebration of liberation.

 **voretwenty69** : BJ

 **Ghost Bird** : please not that kind of party

 **voretwenty69** : Wait shit lmao that was supposed to be a cool face

 **voretwenty69** : B)

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : was gonna say dude lol

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : Yeah, sorry, we’re not really about that life. By all means, smash without us.

 **Ghost Bird** : dsmcklsksn

 **Femme Fatalish** : Ok, boys, be on your best behavior. I’m under the impression that Min’s family is nice, and I’m dragging Winston into a new chat so he won’t feel awkward seeing all of these messages.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : lmao poor dad

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : he’s too good. we don’t deserve him.

 **Ghost Bird** : too kind and innocent for the likes of us

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : Frankly, I don’t think they’ll last.

 **Femme Fatalish** : I’m also changing our names.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : that’s fair

 **voretwenty69** : C’mon, he doesn’t know what any of mine means. He wouldn’t judge, anyway.

 **Femme Fatalish** : Tough tits. My boyfriend is a big cinnamon roll, and I’m not letting you vore him.

 **Ghost Bird** : jesus crust

 **voretwenty69** : Great, now I’m hungry.

 **Femme Fatalish** : Back off, bitch. I will fight you if I must.

 **voretwenty69** : I meant that i wanna vore carbs, not a man

 **voretwenty69** : Besides, I already have al.

 **Ghost Bird** : ok im leaving. see you in the virgin chat

 **Femme Fatalish** : You don’t belong there... anymore~

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : Anna, noh.

 **Femme Fatalish** : Anna, yes.

 **Pee is Stored in the Balls** : holy shit let him live

 **voretwenty69** : ... 

 **voretwenty69** : He’s hyperventilating into my tiddy.

 **Femme Fatalish** : Oh, dear... Bad mom. I’m sorry, Al.

 **Femme Fatalish** : I was joking; he’s not going on wild sexcapades. I have no secrets to share.

 **Ghost Bird** : it’s fine, i think i can talk about it now

 **Ghost Bird** : i don’t really know how to explain, though. we’ve only known each other for three weeks, and i‘m never gonna like butts, but we’re, uh.

 **voretwenty69** : homo bromos

 **Ghost Bird** : ^ that

 **Mothman is real and I sucked his dick** : That’s great, but you really didn’t have to tell us...

 **voretwenty69** : He’s my cuddle comrade, my bestest buddy, and he doesn’t mind that my pants are sometimes a revolving door.

 **Ghost Bird** : yeah

**\- Winston_Peters joined your party! -**

**Femme Fatalish** : OH FUCK WRONG LINK I’M SO SORRY

 **Winston_Peters** : ...

 **Winston_Peters** : You’ve done it now, haven’t you, Ann?

 **Femme Fatalish** : I’m sorry, everyone... I’m stupid drunk tonight.

 **Ghost Bird** : you are? i can never tell

 **Femme Fatalish** : It’s my impeccable grammar.

 **Ghost Bird** : yeah, that’s why

 **Ghost Bird** : i join her in profuse apologies, winston. this chat is a dumpster fire.

 **Winston_Peters** : Heheh, quite alright. I’ll stay if that’s ok!

 **Ghost Bird** : might as well; you’ve probably seen the worst of everything already lol

**\- Winston_Peters changed their nickname to DoctorWhoDis. -**

**DoctorWhoDis:** Let’s get this party started, lads.


	19. Chapter 19

There wasn’t much to do to prepare for the gathering, as it was rather casual and we already had everything we needed. Anna brought extra food and her guitar, and our adventurers brought their own camping supplies. It was agreed upon that everyone would bring their own necessities and make use of the bathroom to observe personal hygiene- thankfully, that didn’t require convincing. 

Andrew had set his alarm for the crack of dawn to rescue Ted, who had been packed since the night before. Unfortunately, they were still confronted by his bigoted religious parents, who had a bunch more zingers ready for them. Andrew was quite ready to go off on them with sensible spite, but Ted dragged him away before his father could silence his educational speal with physical force or a hunting rifle. They spent the first half of the day just recovering at Andrew’s house while his mother showered them in TLC.

The two of them pulled up in his tiny hybrid around 4:30. We were unaware that they would be early, and, as such, were notified by Hiya mid-cuddle session.

“Did you interrogate them, too?”

                   “Only a little! So, are you guys going to a gay party or something?”

      “Begone. Shoo.”

His moms were still in their respective centers, attending to the daily tasks. We went downstairs to greet our guests, who had been ambushed by canines.

”Sorry, hey, thanks for coming!”

Andrew was frozen in place as if deterring a feral animal, while Ted had sprawled out on the floor. Minaeus drew their affections away from the former, sitting across from Ted.

            “You’re fine, I’m just not used to dogs. My dad’s deathly allergic.”

“My condolences.”

            “We have a lot of cats, though. They’re great.”

“You do?!”

            “Yeah... I’m surprised this never came up before. You should meet them.”

      “I’ll invite myself.”

            “Naturally. You’re Mineeus, right?”

      “Min-ayy-yis.”

            “My bad.”

      “You’re good; s’a weird name.”

                  “Can I live here?” Ted mumbled happily.

            “Just a heads-up, he’s kinda stoned from a PRN anxiety med. If you have any caffeinated drinks, he’ll go back to normal.”

                  “Normal’s for chumps... I feel awesome.”

He rolled over, sitting back on his knees and lifting a small, particularly fluffy pup to smooch on the head. She wagged her tail ferociously, covering his chin in licks. He cradled her to his chest, tears of joy spilling over. Andrew procured a pack of tissues, leaning over to dry his eyes.

            “You can stay in paradise for another hour, but then you’ll need to sober up for his family.”

                 “Fine...”

We left him to build their tent in a spot far away from the buildings and workers. The sun burned brightly in the sky, but it thankfully wasn’t too hot. We took a while to figure out the instructions, screwing up a couple times.

            “Ted said he’ll do the firepit. I‘m not fucking with that, primarily because I don’t want to be responsible for setting the campsite ablaze.”

He did so by the time Anna and Winston arrived, having finally snapped out of it. He was calm and relaxed, carrying on cheerfully as he arranged the stones atop sand. The others were preoccupied with helping prepare dinner and acquainting themselves with Eshe and Persinna. Minaeus brought over rolled-up, dry “logs” and placed them atop the kindling, warranting a confused look from the former Eagle Scout, who knew they weren’t wood. We had an unspoken agreement not to enlighten anyone else.

We gathered in the house to clean up and serve ourselves buffet-style, complimenting their handiwork repeatedly. It was too cramped in the kitchen, so Hiya ushered the dogs outside to allow those of us who didn’t want to stand to sit on the couches and floor. Once dusk fell, Persinna provided everyone with herbal mosquito repellenant. Minaeus’s family joined us for a while as we roasted marshmallows and joked around, enjoying the light-hearted, warm atmosphere.

After they headed in for the night, we uncensored ourselves, but only slightly for Winston’s sake. He seemed to be a dog magnet, thronged by them everywhere he went, even when he didn't have food. One of the barn dogs, a large wolfhound, decided to supervise us, while a tan mutt sat in Ted’s lap.

            “... but yeah, we met in Band freshman year, and he granted me immunity from the other jocks, heheh. The downside was I no longer had an excuse to be an insufferable loner, but he helped me integrate.”

                    “You weren’t _that_ bad. Just surrounded by shallow normies.”

            “Ha, no. I was one weird bastard, and proud of it.”

                              “Some might say you still are.”

             “Yes, but now I’m likable.”

                               “That is true.”

...

“And Anna reconnected with them at Champlain to see if they wanted to join The Hummingbirds, which led us to where we are now!”

      “Hell yeah.

      ... Mr. Dad, I feel bad that I don’t know much about you, since I’ve been stealing your food and Wi-Fi.”

                       “No worries. What would you like to know?”

He blinked, realizing that the rest of us had stopped talking to eavesdrop. 

      “Uh, I dunno... You’re a doctor, right? You have a cool accent.”

                       “Only two more years of residency before I can get my license. I came from Arizona- I only moved here because I was offered a med school scholarship at Vermont University... Partial, but it helped, a lot. I was taking two classes a semester and working three part-time jobs before Anna came along.”

      “Goddamn... Are you gonna move back there once you’re done?”

                      “I plan to. My dream is to set up my own reproductive health clinic and provide low-cost or free care; that’s what inspired me to get this far. See, I was the fourth of seven kids, and I grew up in a rather underprivileged, all-black neighborhood with no access to those services- my aunt died of cervical cancer before she turned forty because she couldn't even afford screenings. A dear friend of mine was raped as an adolescent by a priest, and when she became pregnant, she was forbidden from terminating it. She chose to take her own life within the first month, and her mistreatment still infuriates me to this day.

                      ... He was arrested after switching dioceses when other victims came forward and filed reports, but so many more abusers have gotten away with their atrocities simply because of the power they wield. It's sickening.

...

                      Back to my childhood, though. My parents didn't necessarily want children, but, again, no knowledge or contraception. Regardless, they did their best to provide for all of us and keep us healthy and happy while raising us to be well-adjusted individuals. Back in 2008, an unknown malady plagued the area for months, and the youngest died. Two of my older siblings got married and moved out, one became a preacher, and the rest of my family lives in a big old ranch house, including my uncle and cousins and grandparents. My mom runs a bed-and-breakfast between supplementing our frankly piss-poor public education, and she teaches youth nearby, too. My dad is one of those rare, nice foremen, so sometimes he gets his buddies to fix up infrastructure that he wasn’t given funds to in their freetime... Like all communities, ours is imperfect, but we try to look out for each other- we have to. I chose this because it's direly needed and I can handle it; I'm not squeamish, nor do I get my jollies from genitalia. It's just got to be done, and if I won't do it, who will?”

                              “I want to leave with him and work at his practice... I'm getting experience now through volunteering. I have most of his family added on Facebook, and we visited a couple times- they’re total sweethearts. Even if it falls through, I can’t count on my father not finding me here. My last name is my mother’s, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the safest choice.”

Minaeus glanced at me questioningly. I stared at my unused stick, swishing it around the flames.

“I was going to go, too, since I had nothing better to do.”

      “... But you do now~”

I covered my face as he snickered. Winston just twirled back a stray hair from his handlebar ‘stache, checking to make sure that the rest of it was still in place. A pretty, long-haired pup jumped up next to him to muss it up again. He chuckled, stroking her as she wagged her tail ferociously.

                              “How come he gets a free pass, but I don’t?” Anna huffed.

“There are no free passes.”

      “Because I’m a sex god.”

“Fuck you.”

      “Right here, right now?”

_“You know what-”_

                  “You know what’s bullshit? My parents are rich and educated, with access to family planning, but they decided to have as many kids as possible. They’ve heard about overpopulation and they didn't care. They wanted to spawn as many mini-humans as possible to instill their backwards values on them, then teach them to reproduce and continue the cycle to “inherit the Earth,” no matter what the cost... I don’t know if they honestly believe that they’re “holy people doing God’s work,” in which case they’re just ignorant and insane, or if they’re intentionally pushing an evil agenda justified by doctrines and twisted to look righteous... Man, fuck religion. It's like they want to ruin everything.”

There was an awkward pause, and Winston looked as if he was going to speak but then changed his mind. 

                              “Might I remind you? My father is a deputy during the day, and a Klan leader at night. My hometown holds him in high esteem, and he’s seen as the model of a good Christian man. Once we graduated high school, Al helped me escape because I was practically his slave. I've been going to therapy and a support group for years because of him... I'm not trying to out-do you by mentioning this; I just want you to know that you're not alone.”

      “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me, what the fuck?!”

...

“... Being raised in the most Catholic building imaginable next to the Vatican, I‘ve come to reject and detest all supernatural notions. Before I knew better, I thought their words were law and that I had to do and think all of this crazy nonsense in order to be a good person! I put up cognitive barriers and became OCDish about the rituals and practices until I completely burned out and started thinking for myself. At first I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear, but it led to clarity and freedom. Thank god for the internet...”

Ted nodded, meeting my eyes briefly.

...

                    "If I may add my two cents, I do feel that part of it is a cultural bias, especially when you grow up in a closed social circle, surrounded by a hivemind of like-minded individuals. The average person has the capacity to empathize with and understand those different from them with an open mind. Being subjected to these unquestioned beliefs from an early age with constant reinforcement and no exposure to anything else can certainly muddle your ability to reason, but it doesn't excuse malevolence.

...

                    Of course, there are many unsavory folks out there, but I think that, in general, people's perceptions and behaviors are guided and influenced by their leaders, society, and the media. I like to imagine that we wouldn't be so rotten to each other if we realized that what may put someone at a disadvantage could very well have happened to us, had we been born in their circumstances, and that our good fortunes are simply a matter of luck. But that's what causes discomfort- we're afraid to be vulnerable, we're afraid of suffering. It’s the nature of all living beings. The difference with humans is that we want to believe everything happens for a reason, and we can be immune to misfortune by birthright and prayer, so surely if someone is sick, poor, oppressed, and so forth it is what they deserve, as are our positive circumstances. In reality, there is no sense to the way cards are dealt. Had we not overridden the natural order, we all might've understood that."

              “You nailed it- our minds are screwy and easily distorted. I'm glad my parents are laid-back, and even my more devout relatives are non-judgmental... It's interesting to analyze why people do the things they do, but, ultimately, an asshole is an asshole."

...

      “I’m a fan of wack stuff. Not that I actually buy into any of it; it’s just the shit you’d come up with if you were dissociating to vaporwave or passing a bong in a field, haha... You know, like, alternative universes, The Simulation, ancient alien stories-”

               “Extraterrestrial Astronaut theories,” he joked.

      “No fucking way, you watch that?”

              “Discovery and The History Channel are wild these days- Monster Hunters, Ghost Adventures, the works. Ted loves Coyote Peterson. There’s some cool indie YouTubers, too... It’s all good background noise, sans the commercials; I prefer listening to podcasts for that reason.”

“Yeah, we don’t even have a TV. None of us want to be bombarded with mind-numbing, brainwashing garbage... On the rare occasion that I desire to stare at moving pictures, Netflix is where it’s at. They better not start showing ads.”

              “Oh, yeah, I think everyone uses your Netflix.”

“I don’t remember giving anyone the login.”

                            “I pinned it to the chat.”

“... I thought I was the one paying for it.”

                            “So you would deny your friends such a simple pleasure? It costs nothing!”

“No, I- Of course I’d’ve given them it! I just wish you wouldn’t act like my business and belongings are yours...”

                            “I’ll try to be more mindful of that in the future... I figured since I manage all three of our funds, and we share most things...”

“It's alright, and thanks... But who’s watching the shitty animes?”

            “My brother. You know, I'm not a political person, but this might be vanilla communism, or maybe democratic socialism in theory.”

                            “Don’t you have a moth dick to suck?”

      “Actually, funny thing about moths: when it's time to mate-”

                      “Don’t do it, man; don’t scar ‘em...”

      “I gotta.”

He whipped out his phone to do a quick Google search, showing us the images.

      “The Creatonotos gangis pheromone glands-”

 

Once we’d tired ourselves out from talking about everything we could possibly think of, we fell into a comfortable silence. Andrew decided to break it, turning the flashlight app on his phone to illuminate his face. He grinned mischievously.

                    “Oh no,” Ted groaned.

               “Oh, yes.”

I quirked an eyebrow, glancing at the others, who were equally perplexed.

               “Cryptozoology: revered by some, rejected by others, but remarkable in its own right. While many people approach it from a sensational, superstitious angle, there are a select few, including myself, who simply see it as the study of unexplained phenomena and seek to shed light on the subjects through reputable scientific research.

               Vermont is home to a number of legends, dating back hundreds of years: a mysterious, gryphon-like creature referred to as The Awful, who appears only to observe, groups of ape-men hidden deep in the woods, marsh monsters, and so forth... Most lakes in our vicinity have tales of sea serpents, told by the caring indigenous tribes to settlers before their eventual genocide. Not only did we turn around and ruin their lives- we went seeking the very beasts we were warned of. Stories of accidental encounters by fishermen and beachgoers spread from the late 1700’s to less than a decade ago, spurring curiosity and attracting investigators. Sure, there are discrepancies, but there had to be some origins... As Loch Ness has Nessie, so does Lake Champlain have Champy. I prefer to picture her as a gentle soul, living in the dark depths to avoid humans as much as possible. Could she be an abnormally large fish, eel, or salamander? An undiscovered species, perhaps prehistoric? Is she a plesiosaur? ... Probably not. But just imagine!”

                    “... Hypothetically, an aquatic animal could've survived the Ice Age and everything else through a combination of luck and evolutionary adaptations." 

...

“Holy shit, I am never going back there again.”

      “Yes you are; you gotta come see me all oiled up and flexin’.”

              “There‘s plenty of lore on land, too! The Bigfoot clans, for example-”

He proceeded to share with us varying accounts of different cryptids, some gruesome and unnerving, others elusive and mysterious, but all supposedly residing in the vicinity.

              “... It’s not my intention to instill fear or convince you of anything- I’m simply presenting the information I’ve gathered and letting you choose what to do with it.

              The human mind is a beautifully, terrifyingly fucked up place, capable of creating your most disturbing nightmares imaginable. Goodnight!”

He shut off the light, and I promptly climbed under Minaeus’s hoodie, stretching it as I folded my knees against my chest. I poked my head through the hole under his, and he wrapped his arms around me just as Anna turned the light on her phone.

                             “Oh, no you don’t.”

She pulled out her guitar, slinging the strap over her shoulder and sitting back down before tuning it and beginning to play idly.

      “Let’s gather ‘round the campfire, and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don’t think that we can sing it faster, then you’re wrong, but it’ll help if you just sing along~”

                       “Bum-bum-bum...”

I giggled, joining in as they went faster. Winston bopped to the music cheerfully, unfamiliar with the reference.

       “... I can’t sing to save my life,” he laughed.

“Probably because you’re suffocating.”

       “Nah, dude; you’re like ninety pounds wet.”

“You have a good voice.”

       “Mm, does it turn you on~? My deep, sexy voice-”

I slid out, flipping him off and taking a seat next to Anna, looking up past the wisps of smoke. 

“... The sky is so beautiful here.”

There was unanimous agreement, and we fell silent again.

I leaned over to Anna after a moment, suggesting another title. She started to play, and Ted caught on, using a container as a makeshift drum.

...

_“There’s a million, billion, trillion stars, but I’m down here, low, fussin’ over scars on my soul-”_

_“On my soul!”_

_“On my soul-”_

_“On my soul!”_

_“On my soul, I am so **infinitesimal**...”_


	20. Chapter 20

         “Wouldn’t he make a cute blond?”

“Anna, please.”

She ignored me. 

         “What do you think, Ted?”

                          “... Are you for real? I don’t have some extrasensory fashion perception just because I’m gay.”

         “I didn’t mean that, silly! I-”

                 “But I do! Only half the time, though, because, you know.”

Andrew studied Minaeus, furrowing his brow.

...

                “Yep, I feel nothing. Ask again later,” he joked.

Minaeus stared thoughtfully into his reflection.

      “I’m not against it, just indifferent- I don’t give a flying fuck what I look like as long as I’m clean and in shape. If I became a porn star, I’d put more effort into my appearance, get waxed, the works, but, unless you wanna buy the dye and do it for me every two weeks, imma have to say no.”

           “I’ll consider it~ Maybe a pierced ear, too.”

      “You implyin’ I’m not hot enough already?”

I groaned, resting my head on my folded arms as we sat at the table. We got up late, and, as such, missed his family. 

                                   “... I must say, it’s strange staying in such a peaceful place. Lovely, but I’m not used to the quiet... I had to listen to ASMR of city sounds and noisy children just to fall asleep last night.” 

He sipped his tea, looking as tired as the rest of us.

                   “I think I have allergies, after all,” Andrew sniffed. 

      “Probably the pollen, or the hay, or the animal dander, or-”

                   “Probably everything.”

“... You’ll have fun, I promise. Just two more days, and lots of stuff to do! There’s even a swimming hole!”

            “Oh, Al, you should’ve told us beforehand so we'd bring swimsuits.”

“Sorry.”

      “A little skinny dippin’ never hurt nobody.”

“No.”

                           “Thanks, but I’d rather get my normal clothes wet.”

                                    “... Undergarments aren’t very different from swimsuits.”

“None of us are perverts, at least.”

There was an awkward silence, and I realized everyone was looking at Minaeus warily.

      “What?”

“He’s not that bad, I swear.”

      “You think imma perv? I’m just a horny fuck; there’s a difference. I don’t creep.”

“Really, I can testify. He respects boundaries.” 

            “... Very well. I’m holding you to that.”

He saluted her comically as she got up, drinking the nut milk in his cereal bowl before joining her. We each washed and dried our respective dishes, putting them away.

Only Ted and Anna were enthusiastic about the baby squirrels, but the others warmed up to them upon confirming that they were friendly and free of communicable shit. We sat on the floor, forming a playpen and passing the bottles around. It was a good stepping stone to the rehab center and barn.

Overall, it seemed like everyone genuinely enjoyed themselves. We hiked, explored, and engaged in leisurely activities, some in pairs, others in groups, and the rest with his family. Hiya was delighted to have another girl to play with, despite Anna’s subtle resentment of all kids. Andrew seemed to take pity on her, and dialed up the charm to divert some of the attention to himself. Thankfully, Hiya was already on her best behavior around her new idol, so the three of them had fun together. 

Once Sunday evening came, we had one last huzzah, and parted ways, rather reluctantly in Minaeus’s and my case. He promised to visit again soon, and as we carpooled back, we planned several more hangouts, which would take place over the course of the summer.


	21. Chapter 21

Half a week later found me stepping out of a concussion specialist’s office, into the bright sunlight. I squinted as my vision adjusted.

I’d made a total recovery and was given a clean bill of health- finally, I was a free bird again. No one to dote over me or hold my hand…

      “So, this is it, huh?”

“I think I should go run into a pole.”

      “C’mon, that ain’t funny. Besides, you’d have to find a new nanny. You know my job’s starting in a couple days.”

I nodded glumly.

      “I’ll be back, and you can meme me up whenever.”

I nodded again, spacing out as we walked.

We stopped at a mostly empty park, strolling around a bit before sitting by the fountain. I laid my head on his shoulder, intertwining our hands.

_Judgement be damned; I’m gonna miss this too much.  
_

He craned his neck to place a smooch on my forehead. I hesitated, then sat up and turned to him, kissing him fully. He made a surprised noise in the back of his throat, and I was about to pull away when he reciprocated, moving against me in a slowly building passion. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he draped one over my shoulders, the other cupping my cheek.

My mind went to a fuzzy, warm place that was entirely him. I tightened my hold, and he drew me closer.

We parted eventually, and he leaned down to nuzzle the tip of his nose against mine, smiling softly. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, catching my breath and starting to cry in silence. He stroked my back, humming.

      “To quote you, it’s gonna be ok, even if it won’t.”

“I’m sorry, I just love you so much and I’m terrified of losing you. I mean, you’re probably better off without me, but-”

      “Don’t start that shit again.”

“… What I meant to say was that I’m happy as long as you’re safe and well and enjoying your life to the fullest.”

      “Likewise. And I’m not going anywhere, so please don’t worry...”

We stayed like that for a while, ignoring the old lady who muttered “queers” as she passed.

I waited until she was out of earshot to laugh quietly, and he joined me.

      “... Now I can cross that off my bucket list.”

 

            “Minaeus, what’s your last name?”

      “Maduabuchi.”

            “Could- Could you please spell that?”

He complied.

“I guess I just assumed you didn’t have one, heheh…”

      “My moms picked it when they adopted me, because they didn’t want me to have only one of their last names, but they didn’t wanna hyphenate theirs or whatever because they were on the down-low. They wanted to keep being able to adopt, and they didn’t want me getting shit at school, ya know?”

I nodded as she finished writing the check, handing it to him with a smile. His eyes widened as he read the amount, and he clutched his chest.

            “You earned it,” she chuckled, pecking him on the cheek. Winston patted him on the back.

                   “Come back anytime, my boy! We’ll miss you, for sure.”

We followed him to the door as we bid farewell, and he pulled us all into a hug, lifting us up.

With a wave, he left. I waited until the door was shut to hug Anna, sniffling.

                    “They grow up so fast,” he sighed.

 

He stopped by on his day off the next week, and we hung out for a couple hours, during which I was glued to him like a magnet. He seemed to get a kick out of my amplified clinginess, not really minding, to my relief.

 

Three days had passed since I’d last spoken with him. He was understandably busy, but I hadn’t realized just how attached I’d gotten. I felt like a lonely loser, creeping on his Instagram every now and again until he’d finally posted new photos. The first was a serene lakescape, water looking like pristine sapphire below the green mountain range. The second was him pretending to pinch a boat between his fingers. I continued stroking Sophie absentmindedly with my opposite hand, not unlike someone playing with a fidget spinner.

            “Are you ever going to stop pining and feeling sorry for yourself?”

“Hey!”

            “He straight-up invited you to visit.”  
…

“What if I’m just a pity case? After all, he’s, ah, still very active…”

            “Does that bother you?”

“No, but-”

            “You’re the one he wants to cuddle on rainy days and talk with about things. There’s a difference.”

“… I don’t want to infringe.”

            “Just go, dummy! At the very least, you’re overdue for sunlight and fresh air.”  
...

“You’re right, like usual. Thanks.”

I got changed out of my sleepwear, grateful to have the strength to haul my bike downstairs again. I attached my clip-on sunglasses and buckled my helmet, turning up the volume on my phone to hear directions from Google Maps.

_I may be a nerd, but at least I’m self-aware._

After a half-hour or so, I pulled into the sandy lot, hopping off and chaining my bike to the rack. I doubted anyone would want a rusty hand-me-down from the seventies, but it didn’t hurt to be careful.

I placed my helmet on a handle, turning away when it clattered to the ground. I picked it up quickly and clipped it around the base, grateful that no one was around to see.

I retrieved my comb from one of the many pockets of my cargo shorts and attempted to tame my sweaty mess of hair, waves tangled and poking out comically.

Eventually, I got it down to my normal state of disarray, starting to walk up the loose plank path on the hill.

He wasn’t too difficult to spot, since there was only one lifeguard stand in the vicinity. He was leaning against it casually, thronged by hot chicks and dudes. A wave of nervousness washed over me, and I considered high-tailing it out of there.

Unfortunately, he noticed me standing there awkwardly while I was debating and waved me over with a grin.

I crossed the soft, uneven sand, cringing slightly at the sensation as it seeped into my sneakers.

“Hey, hi! Nice weather, huh? I figured I’d do some beachcombing-”

He pulled me into a greasy, sweaty lotion hug, lifting me several inches off the ground. I laughed, patting his bare back.

      “Good to see you, man. I was hoping you’d come by sometime.”

He jostled me playfully, resting his arm on my shoulder.

      “Squad, this is Al. Al, this is squad. More specifically-”

He introduced them one at a time, and I greeted each politely with a smile.

                 “… Sorry if this is rude, but oh my god, you’re so tiny and cute! How tall are you?”

“Five-seven, heh...”

             “Min, where’ve you been hiding him? He’s whiter than Wonderbread.”

“I, uh, I don’t tan. Just freckle.”

The one leaned closer, studying curiously.

                         “Shit, that’s adorable.”

                 “Can we like, adopt him?”

He picked me up effortlessly, plopping me on the empty booth. I winced as my boney ass hit the wood.

      “Back off, hoes. Finders-keepers.”

                 “Damn.”

      “Jk, but give him space; y’all be looking like a bunch of dogs sniffin’ a mouse.”

                        “Sorry, dude, you good?”

“No, no, it’s fine! Heheh.”

I fumbled my way down, hopping off.

“So, uh, are you all lifeguards?”

      “Nah, just Hawke. They’re all from Champlain, though.”

           “You go to Champlain? What’s your major?”

“Ah, I was physics, but I think I might start over. Online college sounds nice, to be honest.”

           “Aw, balls...”

      “I’ll smuggle him into school in my backpack or something, let him out between classes.”

“Jeez, I’m not that short! You’re just freakishly tall.”

      “Ouch.”

I panicked, trying to backstep.

“Sorry, that came out wrong.”

     “It’s chill, imma go cry for a bit and get some ice for that burn.”

He worried his lip, sniffling.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! You’re perfectly normal-”

                        “Don’t worry, he’s just fucking with you.”

      “Yeah.”

“Oh. Heh…”

      “We know we’re built like gods. The gym is our second home; we live like true buff bros and babes. Quick, strike a pose.”

They flexed majestically, and I whipped out my phone to capture the moment, chuckling.

“You deserve to be on a magazine cover.”

                                “You gotta tag us in that for our future modeling portfolios.”

I posted it, passing the phone around for them to do so.

“I could stand to get stronger… There’s only so much home workouts can do.”

      “I’ll smuggle you in my gym bag and teach you our ways~”

_“Listen-”_

 

He kept a close eye on the water with Hawke, even as we talked and goofed around- only a handful of people were there, wading in the shallows. Eventually, they switched out to go on break, and he offered to go into the lake with me.

“N- No thanks.”

      “I promise I won’t make it too gay.”

“It’s not that, I just, uh. I- I don’t swim. I sorta know how to; I’m just a pansy when it comes to deep water. And there’s all sorts of nasty shit… Sorry, I’ll watch from here.”

He placed a hand on my head for a moment, frowning.

      “Are you afraid?”

“… Yeah.”

      “Totally understandable… but here’s the thing. You’re hot as fuck in more ways than one, and we’re gonna have to force you indoors if you start showing signs of heat sickness. It'd be better if I could just take you out and dunk you a lil.”

“Alright… Thank you.”

I stripped down, heart racing as I left the rest of my belongings under the stand and began trudging after him. My muscles tensed as soon as my feet got wet.

_I trust him; he won’t let anything bad happen. I just need to relax…_

      “How you doin’?”

“Ok.”

I grimaced as the water gradually engulfed my legs, baggy shorts weighing me down and swishing uncomfortably as I waded.

Once I’d gotten up to my waist, he stopped, sinking down with a content sigh.

      “Nice, huh?”

“Sure.”

I tried not to think about what might lurk in the dark depths, opting to watch the clouds above us.

      “… Hey.”

“Hm?”

      “C’mere, you’re still too dry. I’ll make it quick.”

“Please no.”

He swam over, holding my apprehensive gaze. I tried to get away.

      “You’ll be fine, I promise. Ready?”

…

I shut my eyes, pinching my nose. He hesitated for a moment, then grabbed my legs, pulling me all the way under before releasing. I resurfaced, flailing and panicking. He wrapped his arms around me tightly.

      “Hey, hey, you’re ok. Shhhhh…”

“Let go!”

     “You don’t want people to look at us, do you?”

…

I stilled, sniveling as he held me. He slowly took us deeper, letting the waves rock us.

      “You’re doing great.”

After a couple minutes, he deemed me cool enough and released me. I immediately climbed atop him like a cat trying to get out of a bathtub. He chuckled, wading back.

      “See, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Don’t you ever wonder what sorts of creatures live in here? Like- Like Champy and superbugs. That fucking terrifies me...”

      “I mean, it’s not the ocean. Probably just fish, trash, and weird shit. Also, Cthulhu's cousin.”

I laughed, relieved to be on the shore again.

      “We make sweet hentais together after dark, and I carry his eldritch babies. Got a clutch inside right now~ Wanna feel ‘em squirmin?”

I walked away, shaking the sand off my shirt before turning it rightside-out and using it to dry my face.

“That sounds incredibly romantic, but I’ll pass.”

      “Suit yourself.”


	22. Chapter 22

Andrew came back to escort us to his abode on Saturday. It was a small, rustic but modernized cabin, way too crowded to spend more than a day there. His whole family was home- his super-macho older brother, his kindly architect dad, and his freelance artist mom. Despite their drastic differences, they all beared a resemblance to one another. We were greeted warmly and immediately offered a plethora of homecooked treats, which had been arranged in fancy plates on the dining table. I mentally began playing Spot the Cat, finding two of them in the vicinity of the food. The rest were scattered sporadically, one on the windowsill, another behind the armchair, two snuggling in a bed, one chewing on a potted plant, and another clawing at the scratch post. They were incredibly friendly, but some were calmer and more reserved, while others were quirkier and more playful. He provided us with toys and a bag of Temptations to buy their affection. 

                “If you see a hairy ball of lard outside, don’t approach it. His name is Bastard.”

“O- Ok.”

               “He was a lot more bastardly before we trapped him to rob him of his jewels, but he can’t be domesticated, so we leave out food in the hopes that he’ll stop hunting... Judging by his appearance, that hasn’t happened, but if he continues at this rate, I don’t think he’ll pose much of a threat to anything that moves. We also lassoed a bell collar onto him.”

      “I wanna hug that mofo.”

              “As long as you’re ok with needing emergency medical care afterwards.”

      “It’s probably worth it.”

I snorted.

                        “Heyyyyy...”

Ted came downstairs, still in pajamas. Andrew exchanged a warning glance with us, but we already understood. 

                        “Sorry, I forgot you were coming... Didn’t sleep last night.”

                                  “Not to worry. How are you doing?”

He made a noncommittal noise, flopping down on the couch next to us. The windowsill tabby immediately hopped onto his lap, and he started giving her ear and chin scritches.

                        “Comfortably numb.”

               “PRN. It’s... really strong.”

                        “... Had to block both of my parents' numbers since they won’t quit the guilt trips, and my sister told me they’re trying to find out where he lives because they think they can drag me back and force me into conversion therapy, even though I’m a fuckin’ adult... They legit believe public school ruined me and we’re all devil-worshippers or some shit,” he laughed.

He shut his eyes, laying his head back as Anna stroked his hair. Winston placed a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

...

                        “You know, when I came out to my old team, they straight up disowned me. We were tight; we played together for years, they respected me as a leader... Then, I had to deactivate my Facebook and change my handle once the word got out... I don’t get why these people even care. Why can’t they mind their own goddamn business?”

“Assholes, every one of them! They’re just scumbags who choose to waste their time making the world a worse place.”

He sighed.

                        “S'like a whole new life. I gotta find a job so I can pay for the fall, and I don’t want to mooch off his family for long... Sorry for bitchin', heh.”

                                  “Nothing to be sorry for, son. It’s not good to bottle up troubles."

Thankfully, Andrew’s parents had gone out for a bit, but his brother, Mel, came in, plopping fresh kichel and dip on the coffee table. He was a hulking figure, with far more facial hair than Andrew. While Andrew followed the host etiquette of dressing nice and wore a sweater vest and short-sleeved shirt, Mel had just come home and was in a weathered tank and jeans. He wasn’t a typical badass, though- his tattoo sleeves consisted of Mario references, a triforce symbol, colorful dragons, the eeveelutions, the four bender elements, a pawprint for each of his cats, and so forth.

                                           “I’m this close to kicking all of their asses.”

“... Your fingers are touching.”

                                           “Yes.”

      “If it continues, I can ask my landlady to take care of them. It’s what she does.”

...

                        “Take... care? Like, off them? I don’t think I could live with myself if I got someone killed.”

                                                     “It sounds like _they_ want _you_ dead, but yes, that is a bit much.”

               “It’s actually illegal to encourage suicide; he has a strong case if he chooses to file a report.” 

      “Yo, no, not kill them. Just scare ‘em shitless so they’ll fuck off for good.”

“... Is she in the mafia or something?”

      “Nah; I’ve said too much, though... I’m not supposed to talk about her at all, so please don’t pass it on,” he laughed, a nervous edge to his voice.

The room fell into awkward silence until Mel invited us to play on his vintage gaming consoles in the basement, with an elaborate rig of what appeared to be trash-picked televisions. The mood immediately lightened, and the fun they provided distracted us from our worries. We passed the next several hours that way, then hung out with his parents (and cats) a bit longer before heading back.


	23. Chapter 23

I joined the gym in the beginning of June, trailing close behind Minaeus initially. We stretched before he showed me around and explained how the place worked, doing a couple demonstrations along the way. I meekly accepted the lowest weight settings on the strengthening machines, taking his advice to go slow and focus on the movements. I could hardly do a dozen reps on ten pounds for most of them, and was ridiculously achy come morning. He was kind enough to work out the kinks like before, and, after skipping a day, I resumed, feeling more of a good burn than bad by the end. The more I practiced, the easier it got, and he pushed me to try each machine and challenge myself with a gradual increase in reps and weights until I could find a good routine. I became better acquainted with his buddies there, and saw Hawke the most, since he was his workout partner.

               “It’s not about getting swole. Guys who only go to body-build usually fall apart after age thirty. You need to have a balanced lifestyle and healthy diet, sleep enough, stay hydrated, incorporate cardio, ideally in the sunlight- jogging will kill your knees, though. Just, ya know, be active, stay mindful of your posture... Stretch, strengthen, sweat.”

“Heh, thanks. I like biking! Indoors and outdoors. Hiking’s cool, too, but I think I need to work up to that...”

      “You gotta train your muscles right; s’probably why you got so fucked up when I took you to my moms’ house. Knots, pulls, and tears happen when you move in a certain way without preparing first, misuse equipment, overdo it, etc. Shit’s painful, and you could get permanent injuries.”

I nodded nervously. 

      “And yeah, like he said, stretching is important- before and after. If you like zen-ing out, you could do casual yoga at home- there’s loads of free stuff online. The movements themselves are good for destressing and practicing mindfulness, as well as improving balance and flexibility. I don’t do it as much as I should, but it helps me relax and sleep better.”

It was fun to flex with friends, but I often went alone. I aimed to go every other day, but tended to lack energy and motivation. It became a constant struggle, just trying to discipline myself and stick to a schedule to incorporate structure into my life. My issues never completely went away, and my inclination was to be a rotting vegetable, but when I was on top of my wellbeing, I felt great. I never got "buff," per say, but my back and joint pain were alleviated and I found myself able to do more physically taxing tasks with ease.

 

One day, I hung out at the beach until Minaeus’s shift ended, waiting until he finished getting dressed to invite him over. I was surprised when he whipped out a giant black trashbag and heavy-duty gloves.

“Where’s the body?” I joked.

      “Yo, you have opposable thumbs. Wanna help?”

“With what?”

He pulled another out, handing it to me along with a second pair of gloves.

      “We gon pick up our brethren.”

“... Sorry, still lost.”

      “Trash.”

_“Oh.”_

      “I aim to do two miles each trip. Think you can handle that~?”

“I’ll try,” I laughed. 

We covered the guarded shore first, then made our way through the marshy dunes and less populated areas. I hadn’t anticipated the sheer quantity of bottles, cup lids, straws, cigarette butts, bags, and the likes, but I did my best to collect all that I could see. He stopped to untangle a wedding balloon from a piece of driftwood, finding its relatives nearby and bunching all of their ribbons together. He paused to show me one with a grim smile. The word “forever” was printed on its deflated body.

      “The irony.”

“Because most marriages end or result in misery?”

      “Because plastic lasts hundreds of years. It can only be recycled, like, once before going to a landfill and probably overflowing into the environment, if it’s even accepted for recycling in the first place. Almost all of the plastic we consume is brand-new, but most people think that if they pop their empty bottle in the can it’ll do a three-sixty, so they don’t have to bother with reusables or whatever. It don’t work like that, fam... Just keeps piling up and breaking into smaller and smaller pieces while it kills wildlife.”

We trudged on for another two hours or so, the sun beating down on us as I hauled my bag across the sand and my sandals scraped my feet. I’d considered whipping them off to brave the scattered broken glass and rusty metal, but thought better of it. 

When we finally stopped, I all but collapsed next to him on the nearest boardwalk bench. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with his arm, slicking his shaggy bangs to the side. 

      “We kicked ASS.”

“It... was almost therapeutic, sans the depressingness.”

      “Daddy Nature thanks you.”

...

After thoroughly rehydrating at a water fountain, he led me to a set of public dumpsters, where we sorted the recyclables from the regular trash and tossed them in each. We headed back, and he shook the sand out of the bags, then turned them inside-out, rinsed them under an outdoor shower pole, and scrunched them into the towel in his drawstring bag, plopping the gloves on top. He was thoroughly prepared to walk home, but I insisted on sharing bus tokens. We parted ways when his ride came, but not before he gave me a big, wet, electrifying kiss for everyone in the vicinity to see. I swooned and nearly fell backwards, and he just winked, hopping on after the last people boarded. 


	24. Chapter 24

It was quarter to midnight when Winston got home, stumbling through the threshold and forgetting his keys in the door. Anna greeted him with an embrace and kiss, reaching back to retrieve them and relock it. 

"You don't look so good..." 

                   "Alastair, I'm going to be honest with you. Sociopaths are extremely successful in business and leadership positions."

She helped him out of his coat, taking his bag and leading him to the couch, where he prompty collapsed.

                   "These, these cheeky bastards wipe their arses with dollar bills. I've got it relatively good, and they're still making a tidy profit off my labor. They work maybe twice a week, they dump their excess on my shoulders like I'm some sort of machine and I just have to grin and bear it... God, and the _patients_. You don't want to know how many have come to me with complaints related to unhealthy lifestyles, and they can get so offended when I give them legitimate advice instead of just writing for more drugs that won't fix their underlying issues. 

                    Do you know what happened a month ago? I was covering for Tilden, who'd been on a transatlantic cruise, and a man I'd never seen before called in for steroids. His record showed he hadn't set foot in the place in over a decade, so I told him he'd have to schedule an appointment first, and he went off on me. I had to hang up, and he apparently left an angry voicemail in Tilden's box. Of course, I was at fault for not complying blindly, and he ripped me a new one today as soon as he heard it... From what I gathered, he's enabled this man's addiction for years." 

            "Surely that's illegal!"

He laughed grimly. 

                     "Money and power, that's the name of the game. Everything revolves around corrupt intents."

"I- I’m sorry." 

                     "I'm sick and tired of this stuff and nonsense. For chrissake, I'm hardly getting experience in women's health- they put me to whatever tasks they don't feel like doing, in completely random offices...

                    I just want to be my own employer, have time to spend with my family again, and do meaningful work that'll have a positive impact... A pipe dream, perhaps. It's silly, but more than anything, I'd like to not need to act white to get a smidgen of respect from these people."

            "Only two more years, dear. You've come so far, and you will make your dream a reality... Scratch that- we'll do it together; it's both of our dreams." 

He undid his tie, sighing deeply. 

                     "Thank you, love."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw and an excessive number of vore jokes

_“I was the worst hope of my generation- destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical…_

_I should be allowed to share my feelings; I should be allowed to feel~”_

 

It was nice to have Ted back, as we sounded a lot worse without a drummer. Winston had been let go for confiscating keys and diluting drinks, but his only regret was getting caught. He returned, unphased, in all of his dapper glory. The sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled to his elbows and then recuffed, and the first two buttons were left open, perfectly aligned with his suspenders. He finally had a bit of free time to relax instead of serving more undeserving, unappreciative folks. Minaeus sat with him in the back of the room, playing checkers- a sight I never thought I’d see. 

While we were packing up for the night, Minaeus came onstage to say hi, and I gathered the courage to ask if we could hang out at his apartment afterwards. He seemed surprised, but quickly agreed. We caught the night shuttle a half-hour or so later, walking several blocks alone in the dark. It was rather unnerving how desolate everything was. 

Eventually, we arrived at a small, concrete building with chipped paint and a rusty garage. He led me up the side steps, unlocking the door and holding it open.

“Heh, thanks.”

There was a ginormous fish tank, taking up half the wall. The filter had an LED light, which illuminated the space with an otherworldly glow. I counted eight shimmery goldfish, swimming happily among the real plants and rocks. I stopped in front of it, awestruck, as he turned the key and flipped the lamp switch on.

      “These are my vore children.”

“... Your what.”

      “Vore children.”

“No, I heard you the first time, I just. Do I want to know?”

      “Probably not, but imma tell you anyway. Sit down and buckle up, bitch, ‘cause you’re in for a wild ride.”

He kicked off his shoes and socks, and I did the same, following him to his bed, which was the only real place to sit besides the floor.

      “Ok, so to start, you know how I smash for cash?”

“You’ve only told me and everyone I know a dozen times.”

      “Gotta advertise my services- I’m still waiting for you to promo my Patreon.

...

      Anyway, the only exception to my condom rule is oral, and that’s if they’re willing to get tested in advance and pay another $50 per session. They usually are.”

“Don’t you ever get scared? What if someone had bad intentions?”

      “I avoid creeps and have a lot of the same clients, but I’m practically a self-defense ninja. I also keep a taser gun disguised as a dildo on me at all times.”

“... Right now? Where?”

He ignored me.

      “But yeah, they could still be carrying nasty shit, so when I know I’ll be drinking nut milk, I don’t let them stick around after. As soon as they leave, I down, like, a whole cup of mouthwash, bring it all up, and do two more swishes just to be safe.”

I grimaced.

“I... I don’t think-”

      “What I’m trying to say is that I’m a professional at swallowing and unswallowing.”

“I really didn’t want to know that.”

      “So, I went to the wrong party in freshman year. Lots of sketchy motherfuckers, people are on all sorts of shit, fighting and fucking out in the open. I’m trying to play it cool because I don’t want to leave without my idiot friend, but then they bring out a big bag of goldfish. You know why college dudes buy goldfish for parties?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

      “To vore them.”

“Ok, I’ve heard enough-”

      “These sadistic bastards are getting ready to have a contest, and I panic. I have to do something, so I go with my gut. Pun intended.”

“Jesus Christ-”

      “Keep in mind that I am a trained professional who happens to be educated in these areas. I knew that goldfish have virtually no short-term memory, and that water dilutes stomach acid.”

I paled.

      “So yeah, I put on my best drunk face, say, "Hey guys, watch this,” and pour the whole fucking bag down my throat. I become a momentary icon and living aquarium, and slosh away to lock myself in the bathroom. I get the wiggly butterflies out one at a time, rinse them off, fill the bag with fresh water, and hide it in my hoodie pouch until I get home. Was there a better option? Probably. Would I do it in a non-life-threatening situation? Hell fucking no; if I waited a little longer, they probably wouldn’t’ve survived.

      I must be doing something right, because they’re, like, three years old and twice the size they were when I first got them.

      But yeah, we ollie out, and the perpetrators get arrested for having acid, coke, and all sorts of other shit, thanks to an anonymous tip. The next day, I channel a white suburban mom and yell at the pet store manager for selling to animal abusers and threaten to get them shut down. They don’t stop being shitty, but at least they set requirements for purchasing... You know I had to do it to 'em.

      Oh, and I took it up the ass for that tank, because I’m just that great of a father.

      ... Al?”

"I’ll... be right back,” I mumbled, finally blacking out.

 

      “... hear me? Thank fuck... I’m sorry, I knew I should’ve stopped-”

“S’fine... You, uh. That was... brave. You really are everyone’s hero. I imagine you’ve enacted a lot of Baywatch scenes at work.”

      “Not really. It’s usually just picking up dumbasses who think they can swim until they set foot in the water.”

I laughed tiredly, leaning on him.

“So, are you, ah, planning on getting dicked down or eating out this weekend?”

      “Nothing on the schedule. Why?”

“I was... wondering if you’d let me fill one of your openings.”

...

      “Phrasing.”

“Intentional.”

He gaped. I fought the urge to retreat into embarrassment.

“... I dunno, I thought it might be-”

      “I’m suddenly free until the end of time.”

_Oh, shit._

“Uh, wow, cool!”

      “How about right here, right now~?”

I glanced over at the sets of large, unblinking eyes, watching curiously.

“Ma- Maybe my place? It’s less cramped.”

      “But you have roommates.”

“And you have children.”

      “That’s fair... Wait one sec.”

He came back with a thick blanket, covering them. Slowly, he turned around, waggling his eyebrows.

      “You want sum fuck?”

“... I’ll give it the old college try.”

He snorted, whipping his shirt off. I tried to mask my nervousness, fumbling with my tailed vest.

      “Ok, so, this isn’t gonna work if you force it. There’s no real right or wrong, but you gotta go with what feels right, even if what feels right is staying fully-clothed and watching 2010 YouTube Poop. Just keep communicating, ok?”

I nodded, looking away as I draped it over the bedframe. 

_Anna would kill me if I was careless with her handiwork._

      “I don’t wanna do anything you’re not comfortable with. Do you know what you want?”

I fidgeted with the cheap cufflink on my long, piratey-poofed sleeve.

“I... I want to make you feel good. I want to be surrounded by you, as close as possible...”

He traced the side of my neck with a finger. I shut my eyes, exhaling slowly.

“... I want to be inside of you.”

    “Gotcha, one vore coming up.”

I was caught off guard, and started cracking up.

“For fuck’s sake, do you have any idea how hard that was?”

      “You love me.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

He tilted my chin up to meet him in a chaste kiss.

      “See? It doesn’t have to be serious. You looked so stressed; it’s just me.”

...

      “I’ll take good care of you...” he murmured, leaning down to mouth my shoulder playfully through my shirt.

      “- in my tum-tum, like the fishies.”

“Sto-ha-hop...”

I buried my face in a pillow, laughing so hard that tears began to form.

      “Bet you wish you were one of them~”

“No, that’s disgusting...”

He flopped down next to me, waiting until I stilled to casually lick my cheek.

      “Mm, tasty... Finally, we’ll be one~”

He pat my back as I wheezed.

      “Shit, wait, don’t die. I can’t have sex with a ghost. Probably.”

“Here lies Alastair. He never got his dick touched.”

      “Fucking tragic.”

He took my hand, placing it on his lower abdomen.

      “You ready to go spelunking?”

“... Please don’t ever use that word with me in this context again.”

      “What, you don’t wanna feel these moist, supple cave walls-”

“Goddammit, I give up. How do you get paid to turn people off?”

      “I don’t- I fuck them. I only fuck with you.”

“Great. Fantastic. I feel incredibly fortunate, but if we could kindly get this show on the road-”

He shirked off his pants and undergarments in one fell swoop, and I made a startled noise. He fished out his packer casually, wiggling it at me. I stared straight ahead.

      “This is Jorge.”

I found myself at a loss for words, nodding bleakly.

He set it down atop his clothes pile on the floor, posing seductively.

I just kinda laid there like a rigid figurine, forgetting how to relax. I forced myself to look over long enough to make eye contact with him, guilt plaguing me at his concerned expression.

“I’m sorry.”

      “We don’t have to do anything.”

“No, I- I want to. For you.”

      “... Is that the only reason? I’m fine with the way things are.”

“I don’t know how to explain, I just- For lack of better words, I enjoy the thought of making you feel good. Not in an altruistic way so much as an erotic way? In this particular situation. Does that make sense?”

      “Whatever floats your boat.”

“I’m just worried that it won’t do anything for you; you’re confident and experienced, and I’m like a fish out of water.”

He smirked.

“Please no more vore.”

...

      “I dunno, man; I guess I’m not used to experiencing emotional attachment, and I’m always the one putting out, or putting _in_ , you know? This is different, so I‘ll stop talking and just lay here while you get your feet wet. Fingers, whatever. Sound ok?”

I nodded, worrying my lower lip.

      “Also, I love you. Just fyi.”

“I... I love you too, Minaeus. So fucking much, I don’t know how to handle it. You mean everything to me, and I’m the luckiest person on Earth-”

      “Imma fight you for that title.”

“Shush. Just, I want to try to show you how much I love you-”

      “You already do-”

I smooched him to shut him up.

“... You are quite honestly the greatest and most attractive person in the entire universe who ever was or will be. I hope you know that.”

I positioned myself above him carefully, propping myself up with one hand and placing the other on his chest, feeling his heart race underneath.

“You’re so, so kind to me; you’re so gentle and pure, full of love for everyone and everything...”

I mapped out his torso slowly, massaging and playing with his happy trail. His breath hitched, and he squirmed slightly as I progressed, back arching and toned muscles shifting as I traced them. 

_... Right, he’s ticklish. Must be sensitive._

“Your smile is an actual ray of sunshine, your voice is so soothing, and your laughter can cure depression... I don’t know how you can stand me and my malarkey and want to subject yourself to it, but I want to be a good part of your life, because that’s what you deserve. Only happiness, health, love, and good things...

You make me feel so safe, and everything’s ok when I’m with you. You’ve changed my life so drastically for the better just by blessing me with your existence.”

I leaned in shakily, ghosting my lips against his skin and beginning to place tiny kisses along his jaw, across his neck and shoulders, down his throat to chest to abs. I paused below his navel, looking back up.

“You mean the whole world to me,” I murmured, a half-whisper.

“What do you want?”

      “T-Touch. Please...”

I palmed his crotch gingerly, and he keened. I rubbed it lightly in slow circles, studying his reactions to direct my movements.

      “You... can go in...”

I complied, gingerly parting the plush folds. He whined as I worked him open, spreading the wet warmth up to the erect head. I stroked it gently with my fingertips, and he jolted, inhaling sharply. I paused, fearing I had hurt him.

“Was that ok?”

      “Yes. More than ok. Don’t stop.”

I kissed him passionately as I continued nursing the point, slicking a finger from my opposite hand before carefully sliding it in his entrance and enjoying his pleasured reaction. His walls pulsed and clenched as I stimulated every spot I could reach.

      “F- Feel the grooves in the opening? Right- Fuck, yeah, that’s it. God... You can add more-”

I slid a second finger in, and then a third, keeping the rhythm he set. He became increasingly louder and more vocal as he neared his peak, grabbing my wrist to shove my hand in deeper.

He came with a cry of my name, inner muscles spasming and tightening around my fingers, squeezing them.

His chest heaved as he caught his breath, pulse throbbing against me.

...

“Holy fucking shit, that was the hottest thing ever.

... How was it?”

      “You were amazing... Are you sure you never-” 

I administered another smooch as I withdrew, drying my hands on the nearest discarded article of clothing. Beaming, I laid down next to him.

      “Seriously, I was bracing for you to treat my junk like an xbox controller.”

I looked aside sheepishly.

“I... might’ve done a bit of research in advance. Didn’t find it arousing until now, with you.”

      “Nice job; A for effort. Do you think you’re ready?”

“Aren’t you tired?”

      “Nah, I just need a couple minutes to recharge. We can get you situated in the meantime.”

“Situated? What do y- Oh.”

He flipped around, pinning me underneath him and kissing me hungrily. I followed clumsily, trying to keep up. He pulled my lower lip gently, and I took the opportunity to run my tongue against his upper. He caught it, sucking lightly. I failed to stifle an embarrassing noise, but it only seemed to encourage him.

We parted, less for air than to grapple with the overwhelming sensations. He scraped his teeth against my jaw and immediately started unbuttoning my shirt to pepper my skin with kisses and nibbles, giving extra attention to the bony areas. I whimpered when he bit my collarbone unexpectedly, sucking hard and running his tongue around the mark before placing a kiss on it in apology.

      “Good?”

“I... don’t know. Is it supposed to hurt?”

      “Ah, shit, I broke the skin... Sorry; I’m used to meaty masochists. I need to be careful with you.”

He helped me out of my shirt and dropped it on top of his packer. I made a mental note to wash it.

“I’m not some fragile butterfly! I’m a man, I-”

I froze as he brushed his fingers against the waist of my dress pants.

      “... Can I?”

I nodded, shutting my eyes.

He whipped them off not unlike a bandaid, and I heated up in his silence, realizing he was taking me in.

      “I’m gonna give your dick CPR. How’s that sound?”

I snorted, and he interpreted that as a sign to proceed.

He knelt above me, beginning to mouth the thin, tented fabric. I shut up again, bunching a fistful of sheet.

When he finally pulled away, it was damp and uncomfortable from the absence of his hot breath. I decided to whip my dick out then and there to save additional awkwardness.

      “... Nice.”

I groaned embarrassedly at his casual appreciation, again stifled when he pressed a kiss to the head, followed by several long licks down the sides. He looked up to hold my gaze, closing his lips around it and slowly taking it in.

“Hhh... Holy fu- Oh god-”

He hollowed his cheeks and swallowed hard once I reached the back of his throat, Adam’s apple bobbing. I placed a hand on his head in an attempt to control myself, legs trembling.

He hummed, vibrating all around me as he cupped my balls. After another minute or two of sucking and running his tongue along me, he pulled off, wiping his mouth.

      “Let’s McFreakin' do this.”

“W- Wait, there’s more?”

      “You said you want to be inside of me, so I’m gonna give you the full experience.”

“... Oh my god, this is happening.”

He straddled my waist, feeling himself up before positioning the tip, lowering himself onto it and easing me in. I made an undignified whine.

“Holy ff- Oh my god, oh my god, fuck-”

He swiveled his hips with a satisfied moan, muscles sliding and tightening around me.

      “Mm, you feel _so good_ in there... You like it, huh? Warm and soft and snug, all wet and throbbing just for you~”

“Yes...” I sobbed, arching into him.

      “I’ve wanted this for so, _so_ long... It was more than worth the wait.

      Ready to move?”

I thrusted upwards, and he met me. It took a couple times, but we fell into a rhythm. He sighed blissfully.

“I love you- Fuck, I love you so much-”

We went faster over the minutes and became increasingly vocal as we neared climax, skin hitting each other’s as I gripped his waist. He peaked first, clenching around me and pulling me in deeper, holding me there as his pulse raced. I followed seconds later with a strangled cry.

Once we finished, he smiled fondly at me, catching his breath.

      “... God, I love you.”

He flopped down with me balls deep, and I struggled to breathe under him, not wanting to ruin the moment.

      “You’re the only person I didn’t make wear a condom, if that means anything... It’s not like I can get pregnant, and I doubt you have any weird diseases.”

“I’m honored.”

      “... It was even better when you came... I can still feel it, deep inside of me,” he murmured. I stroked his hair, trying to distract from my flusteredness.

      “Ah, sorry, I’m crushing you.”

“S’fine, heh.”

He maneuvered strategically to lay beside me, still holding me close in a tangle of limbs.

      “I don’t wanna let you go.”

“Never let go, Jack...”

He laughed breathily.

I just kinda gazed into his eyes, caressing his cheek cinematic-style.

 _I can’t even begin to describe how perfect it feels to be surrounded by him_ _... to have my entire universe be him in this moment, to give him all of the pleasure I can afford and see just what I can do for him.  
_

      “This is called the afterglow.”

“Gee, I didn’t know.”

We smiled giddily through the haze of endorphins as we regained composure, all warm and fuzzy and wanting to stay like that forever. He yanked the comforter over us, and I fell asleep to his gentle breathing and steady heartbeat.

 

In the morning, we were awoken by the sound of machinery clanging below us. I flinched, startled, and he groaned.

      “Shit, I didn’t mean to sleep in this late. I was gonna try to get you out before she started.”

“Why?”

      “Why do you think?” he smirked tiredly.

“... Because it’s loud.”

      “Yeeeep.”

He managed to keep me from falling out, a feat most impressive. Slowly, he unlocked his legs from their tight grip around mine.

“My dick feels so safe and comfy... Sheltered from the dangers of the world.”

      “S’probably all wrinkled like prune fingers.”

“Thanks for that image.”

I thrusted experimentally, and he pressed back against me.

      “Mm, yeah, gimme that soggy, limp benis.”

I snorted, actually attempting to rekindle the flame. We fell into a clumsy, messy, sleepy rhythm, eventually nutting again. I sighed contently, nestling closer and closing my eyes for a moment.

      “... You know some animals fuck for like three weeks straight? No food, no breaks, nothing.”

“Nice.”

      “And then you got the barbed cat dicks, the two-foot-long, inflatable duck noodles, the dolphin pussy labyrinths-”

“You have a shower, right? Do you mind if I use it?”

I slid out of him reluctantly and followed him to the bathroom. He turned the nozzle on, procuring clean towels and washcloths. I pulled my boxers off and went in as he used the toilet, just letting the warm water encompass me and ignoring his continual sex ed lecture. My trance was interrupted by him flushing and washing his hands. I yelped at the drastic temperature change, stepping out of range.

      “Sorry.”

“Fuck you,” I mumbled flatly.

      “Again? Damn, you tryna break my record?”

He joined me behind the curtain, taking up most of the space.

“What’s your record?” 

      “With the same person in one day? Like, five.”

...

“Maybe another time. Shower sex is actually very dangerous, if you think about it. Everything’s so slippery...”

      “Hygienic, though.”

“True... But then you get, like, soap burns and a waterlogged ass.”

      “A valid point.”

He squirted a dollop of shampoo on my head, and I worked it through my hair, proceeding to thoroughly clean my body. He gave me a mustache and beard with soap foam, leaning down to allow me to style his hair. He scrubbed my back like we were in some cheesy movie, and I reciprocated the gesture.

“I could just kiss you right now. If I had a toothbrush.”

      “S’like kissin’ in the rain, but naked, in a stall.

      ... You know what I’m gonna do? Imma give you my one whole spare toothbrush and treat you to Mickey D’s like a real gentleman. Breakfast in bed, Uber-style, except you already got out of bed, so you’re gonna have to get back in.”

“Jeez, thanks.”

I dried off, tucking the fluffy towel under my arms. He dabbed most of the water off himself, then opted to air dry, ass-naked.

I stole a shirt from his drawer and just sorta wore it over the towel for the time being, giving in to the overwhelming desire to sniff it. It smelled like him, obviously, and was made of soft jersey fabric. He unplugged his phone from the charger, unlocking it.

      “Whatchu want, fam?”

“From McDonald’s? It’s ok, really, thanks though. I have a protein bar.”

      “I’m gettin’ you a McParfait, and I’m gettin’ me a McHashbrown and a McEgg McMuffin.”

“Heh, I don’t think you have to use “Mc” with everything.”

      “Comedic effect.”

“Gotcha... Oh, uh, is it too late to say no spoon? I saw at least one in the dish bin.”

      “Nope, you’re good... My moms would be so proud.”

“I’m trying, man...”

He glanced through the blinds casually, and I began wondering if he’d be dressed by the time it arrived. The experience wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but neither erotic nor revolting. He was just there, in the bare, acting exactly as he would if he were clothed. All sculpted muscle, and smooth, tan skin, illuminated by the soft but dramatic lighting as he leaned against the dresser...

“... Have you ever nude modeled?”

      “You wanna draw me like Leo? Take a pic; it’ll save time.”

“I don’t know shit about art. I just think most colleges would pay handsomely for the opportunity to host your... handsomeness.”

He stuck his leg out, and I giggled embarrassedly.

      “I’ll look into that... Could probably make a career out of it.”

“You’d be everyone’s muse.”

He eventually put on briefs, washing and securing Jorge before pulling on a pair of mesh shorts and an undershirt and going out to retrieve the food. I nibbled on my bar contemplatively.

He returned and plopped the bag on the bed, digging in.

“Thank you; that was very kind... I’m sorry for being like this, but, ah, you can have it. I’m perfectly content with my prepackaged portion... and not very flexible, as you well know.”

      “It’s chill. That was my contingency plan.”

He munched away happily, and I smooched his cheek before getting up to wash the spoon. I handed it to him, then proceeded to clean everything else in the dish box, which sat atop the microwave and mini fridge.

      “Thanks, man.”

“I don’t know how you can stand living here... You don’t even have a kitchen, for chrissake.”

      “It works,” he shrugged.

I begrudgingly went commando, grateful to have baggy pants.

      “Dick-in-Zipper Syndrome affects countless lives, probably because most people are too embarrassed to report it. Please, use caution and take preventative measures to avoid such a tragedy.”

I rolled my eyes.

“I’m not borrowing your underwear; you’re, like, twice my width. I’d just look like I’m wearing a fucking diaper, and I am not about that life.”

      “You callin’ me thicc?”

“No, you have a perfectly normal-sized ass in proportion to your height and muscle mass.”

      “... Damn, that shit hurted.”

“What, did you want me to say you have a big butt?”

He responded by initiating a lap dance. I jerked backwards in surprise, fumbling to keep myself from falling over as he wiggled against my crotch.

      “You like these buns~?”

“They... are nice buns, but, unfortunately, I live a gluten-free lifestyle.”

      “Try 'em on your hotdog; you might change your mind.”

“Jesus Christopher.”

      “C’mon, just once~”

“... I’m not dickbutting you while you eat McDonald's, and definitely not without a condom. You have great hygiene... but no one can ever _truly_ get clean.”

I shuddered at my words, cursed by knowledge. He just continued to grind against me.

“Also, ow. Do you... have a formalwear kink?”

He stopped mercifully.

      “No, I have a food kink. Just shove the rest of the McMuffin up there and add your special sauce.”

“God, why-” 

      “I’m lovin’ it~”

He finished everything and got up, tossing the bag and setting the plastic cup in the sink to be rinsed before recycling.

      “Jk. And yeah, I got a variety of condoms. You’d be a small.”

I flipped him off indignantly.

      “They’re measured by width, not length, dingus. I could make a balloon animal out of one.”

He leaned in, reeking of fast food.

_“You have a perfectly normal-sized dick.”_

“... Are you trying to impersonate me? Because-”

      “I’m working on it, ok?”

I snickered.

...

“I dunno... I’m gonna have to get showered and dressed all over again.”

      “How ‘bout just a quick doggy-style?”

“I don’t see how that would be more appealing.”

      “Or, I could suck your dick through the condom and then power-bottom like last time, except with my ass. You just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

“... Please get the smelly McGrease off first. I gotta brush my teeth, and it would be splenderific if you did the same.”

      “Duh, I’m not _that_ gross.”

 

Despite my initial reluctance, we canoodled with my doodle in his banoodle. It was extremely tight, hot, and pulsating, the most intense sensation I’d ever experienced. He rammed me against his prostate again and again, groaning in satisfaction as he pumped his dick clit. He came within minutes, and I don’t think I could have physically pulled out with the way he was clenching around me. Not that I wanted to, though- like before, his climax pushed me over the brink shortly after.

He sat back as we caught our breath, in no hurry to free my willy.

“Fuck, you’re pounding...”

      “Well, yeah,” he huffed, squeezing teasingly. I squeaked.

“... I would very much like to partake in more of these activities sometime.”

      “I can show you my toy collection... teach you a million different ways to screw~”

“That sounds fun, but I must establish right here and now that I am an outie and will never be ok with things in orifices... Just having a body freaks me out enough, heheh... I hope that doesn’t conflict with your desires.”

      “Don’t worry, I gotchu... and I prefer the opposite, ‘case you haven’t noticed. 

      You can be the toast to my toaster, the hermit crab to my shell, the blue canary to my soul birdhouse-”

“Aw, no, I don’t want to associate that song with your butt...”

      “- the pickle to my jar, the clownfish to my anemone, the raccoon to my tree hole-”

He finally got off, and I disposed of the condom as he balled the dirty clothes up in the sheet, tying it. We quickly washed and cleaned up, and I secured my towel before rejoining him in bed, flopping down on top of him.

“M’gonna have to remember to keep stuff here.”

He laughed, jostling me slightly.

      “You can hang upstairs while I go to the laundromat, so it won’t be too obvious... but then you gotta meet Ursa. She’s one hell of a lady.”

I nodded, nuzzling him and closing my eyes.


	26. Chapter 26

I dicked around on my phone until he came back, tossing me my clothes and remaking the bed.

      “Lemme brief you on Mama Bear before we go.”

“Hm?”

      “Ursa. She’s... unconventional. In a good way.”

I looked up questioningly.

      “She rarely shows emotion- she doesn’t react to most things, so if she smiles, it’s legit. She’s level-headed and pragmatic, no frills or bs. She tells it like it is, regardless of whether you want her to.”

“That’s quite admirable, really... I think I’m a mostly bs person.”

            “Takes all kinds. But yeah, she went deaf in fuckin’ Nam.”

“Nam?”

      “Vietnam.”

“... How old is she?”

      “Hell if I know. She’s one of those healthy people who look like they could be anywhere from fifty to eighty.”

“Goddamn.”

      “Also, she had throat cancer, so she uses a voice thingy to talk.”

I nodded, following him down the stairs. The garage was open, emitting smoke, sparks, and fumes. She was turned away from us, so I took the opportunity to study her appearance. She was tall and lean, with sinewy muscles and dark, leathery skin, covered in tattoos and occasional scars. She wore toolbelts across her waist and shoulder, a variety of actual chains around her neck, and a stained polishing cloth as a headwrap.

He waited until she finished her current task to press the doorbell outside, which illuminated her metal smart-wristband with a fuschia glow.

She put down the pocket-sized welder she was holding and shut off the notification, looking back at us.

             “Oy, what is it this time?”

Her voice was mellow, with an ambiguous accent. She got up, wiping her brow and pulling half a visor over one eye as she walked over. Her purple tank top left nothing to the imagination, because there was nothing there.

      “This is my boyfriend.”

I waved and signed the one sentence I knew, “I’m Al,” in the hopes of impressing her.

             “No need for the wiggly hands; I have a live captioner.”

I realized she was referring to the eyepiece.

      “She made every gadget here.”

“Holy shit- Sorry, I mean, that’s incredible! You’re very skilled.”

             “So, what do ya want? If yer just here to flap yer gums at me, I’ve more important things to do.”

      “We’ll charge two cells if you bullshit with us.”

             “... Deal.”

He led me past the various creations and broken devices, over to a previously unnoticed exercise corner, boundaries outlined by a rack of heavy weights, a chinbar, and a bench. He hopped on the elliptical, and I sat in the bike, starting to pedal. A cube was connected to each, which lit up from the kinetic energy we were producing.

She picked up another apparatus to work on, standing opposite us.

“It’s, uh, nice to meet you! What do you do?”

             “I’m a mechanical engineer by trade, robotics technician by schooling. I take design commissions, sell prototypes, take on freelance projects- do physical repairs, write codes, the works. If it’s a machine at its core, I can fuck with it.”

      “But she won’t build fuckable robots. It’s tragic.”

             “No, it’d be a stupid waste. And what if they became sentient? Unethical... This one is something else, I tell ya.”

I snickered.

            “So, ya know what ya signed up for with my man-child? If ya try to hurt him, I’ll turn ya inside out and feed ya to the beasts. That ain’t a threat; it’s a promise.”

...

      “Ursa, don’t. He’s a sensitive bean.”

She ignored him.

            “No one will ever know... I have a death count. Pedophiles, rapists, animal abusers... I sabotaged my own faction again and again back in the day- didn’t get ‘em hurt, but stopped ‘em from causin’ harm, and they never found out. That’s where I got my name- I was a Major. I can kill in a million ways, so don’t get any ideas.”

      “Ursa-”

“Thank you for protecting him.”

She squinted, relaxing her gaze.

             “... Aight, we’re good for now.”

He exhaled audibly, as if he’d been preparing for conflict.

             “It’s nothin’ personal; his only other partner hurt him real bad. I had to scare her off permanently when she found him here and came knockin’, sayin’ she changed. Askin’ for another chance, begging, then yellin’ to let her in, ramming the door and makin’ threats, all right in front of me like I was some helpless old lady...”

I looked over worriedly, but he was focused on his screen.

...

      “Yeah, she’s also a life saver.”

             “Can I tell eem?”

He nodded, half-smiling.

             “He ate a dick within the first couple months of rentin’.”

“... Sorry, what?”

      “It was an accident. I had a bad gag reflex back then, so I was practicing... Didn’t understand the importance of flared bases.”

             “He shows up outside my room at 3:08 AM, buzzin’ the doorbell frantically. He’s panickin’, and I’ve no fackin’ clue what’s wrong until I see a vertical rainbow glowin’ through his chest.”

“You’re shitting me.”

He chuckled, seeming to have recovered from revisiting the more unpleasant memories.

      “Are you really surprised?”

             “He’s pleading with me to help, not to call an ambulance or his mums, and I don’t even know ‘em! I try the Heimlich, but only get it high enough to obstruct his breathing again, so I grab him and flip him upside down, shake until it falls out.

             Then he’s huggin’ me, cryin’ tears of joy and offering to suck my dick. I show him and his floppy dildo the door, and he thanks me by giving it back in a display box on New Year’s Eve. Pinned, like a bug.”

      “She hung it up on the wall.”

I’d stopped pedaling, leaning over the handlebars in a failed attempt to stifle my laughter.

We fell silent until I regained composure.

“... Hey, this is a random question, but, ah. What are your thoughts on a world run by quantum intelligence?”

              “I’d build robot overlords if I had the knowledge and materials- the less human influence, the better. We’ve barely scratched the surface, caught the slightest glimpse of its potential, and that gets me up in the morning.

             It’s an exciting time to be alive... Ya know what the first home computers were like? I’ll show ya mine-”

She showed the faintest hint of a smile before walking away. I grinned, hopping off to follow her.

             “Ah- Get back to work! Ya gotta earn the privilege a seein’ it.”

We continued exercising as she went into a closet and rummaged through boxes, finding the original packaging. She opened it, sliding a humongous processor out and carrying it over, followed by several more monstrosities, a bunch of punch cards, a tiny monitor, and something reminiscent of a keyboard. She configured the wires and plugged it into a powerstrip, attached to several extension cords that snaked through ceiling beams until they reached the outlet. She retrieved fresh ink, putting the smallest amount in.

             “Aight, yer free. C’mere!”

We complied, and she began a demonstration.

             “Ya can’t touch anything, an’ don’t go drippin’ sweat on it. This baby’s older than both of ya combined.”

      “How the hell does it still work?”

             “Ya gotta treat it right, know what to do, have lotsa spare parts... The more advanced tech gets, the shorter its lifespan. ‘Course, those shady bastards like to build ‘em to break- planned obsolescence. Buy the newest model! Replace, replace, what a fockin’ expensive waste! Most of the rare metals ya need can’t be made in labs yet. Ya gotta enslave some foreign kiddies to mine for ‘em and get sick, then assemble ‘em with prison labor. Sweet profit and power!

             Never mind the environmental toll. Min got on me to start buying recycled bits instead of new, and I disembowl my finds to build Frankensteinian creations or make knock-offs that don’t use the extra fancy garbage.”

The computer whirred and sputtered as it followed her commands, coughing out a series of cards, which were used to print a single sentence. We clapped.

She used her wristband to scan a three-dimensional image of its ancestor, projecting it like a hologram.

             “Time has brought so many changes... Just wait until they can self-evolve. The future is upon us, boys!

             ... Now, leave. I have a pick-up in an hour.”


	27. Chapter 27

I walked from the bus stop to my apartment, feeling light as air. 

_Life... is good, overall. I think. A neutral experience with no rhyme or reason._

_I don’t feel like total garbage for once, but it might have something to do with the fact that everything’s been going so great since I met him and I just nutted into another dimension. I may very well be the luckiest man alive._

Swinging around the railing like I was in some cringy musical, I hopped over the last step and unlocked the door, waltzing in.

“Hello, my darling banana. How goes things?”

She quirked a smile, turning from the laptop.

            “We’ve got an alumni party on Saturday. Class of ‘78.”

“No fucking way.”

            “Believe it, bitch! Booked and paid in full. The other band canceled last-minute, so they messaged us on Facebook- luckily, one of us checks it.”

“Heh, thanks... Did you ask-”

            “If you’d gone on the group chat, you’d know they’re psyched. It gets better- the theme is _Grease_.”

“Hah! Oh, god, we’re gonna suck. I can’t wait.”

            “We’ll need to practice, for sure. They want us to dress the part.”

“As long as I don’t have to wear hair gel...”

            “You and Andrew will be greaseless nerds, I’ll be a hot babe, like usual, and Ted will be a greaser. We could use a jock presence, too, so long as he doesn’t make it gay... I think we should hit the thrift store together, and I’ll work my magic with whatever we find. I’ve always wanted to make a fifties dress.”

“What about Winston?”

            “He’s not super keen on going, so I won’t force him... but I do think he’d look good in a letterman. Maybe I’ll give him Min’s after if he doesn’t want it.”

“Yeah, I can’t really see him wearing anything besides hoodies.”

...

            “So?”

“Hm?”

            “Did you have a good time~?”

“... Yes.”


	28. Chapter 28

My suddenly acquired, busy social life had become overwhelming, so I took a step back to avoid crashing and burning. I started doing things alone again, and spent most “people time” with just Minaeus or my roommates. As always, Sophie healed my emotional instability and drowned out all thoughts for as long as we were in physical contact.

            “I take it you’re still recharging.”

“Mhmn...”

She smooched the back of my head, as the rest was currently buried in purring cat floof.

            “Be careful not to abandon the chat for long, as you may find yourself in the same situation as before.”

“No more dickbutts...” I mumbled, rolling over to shimmy to the side of the couch and spit a cat hair onto the already hairy floor, which I had swept only three days prior. I flopped back down and stared at the ceiling. Sophie climbed atop me, curling up on my chest as I began to stroke her.

“I’m in Ted’s nature group, too, and there’s lots of cool pics; the people there are nice about mine, but it’s mostly old birdwatchers hundreds of miles away... Then there’s Instagram with Min’s sexy friends- I only made an account to stay in touch with him at first- and then his tamest meme channel... I never know what to contribute, if anything, and I had to mute it because it’s constantly active, nearly all day and night... Andrew’s is more niche, with, like, ten non-lurkers, but it can get a bit disturbing with the creepypasta and horror fans, so I kinda left and apologized but he understood... Ugh, but then there’s Min’s parents. Bless their kind hearts, they text us both and check in every now and then to say hi, give updates, show plants and critters... I’m terrible at responding in a timely fashion, though, and I have to fight my reflexes just to stay polite and filtered, especially when he starts his malarkey. Granted, that’s not really an issue- he shows more self-control around them than anyone else, but, for some reason, Hiya has a phone...

... Sorry. I just- I’m not built for a normal social life, or even being around people, physically or virtually, for extended periods of time. I get overstimulated just going out in public, and interacting with anyone requires all this junk... I shudder at the thought of having a fulltime job someday...”

She had walked to the kitchen and microwaved two cups of tea during my lamenting. Returning, she placed one on the table beside me before sitting on the couch and picking up her handiwork, shaking the shedded floof off.

            “Chamomile mango.”

“I love you.”

            “I suggest taking a break, then sorting your priorities and figuring out how to balance the rest. The good thing is that nothing requires commitment, except The Hummingbirds... and classes, but the summer’s still young. Maybe take a fun elective, and one of the regulars you flunked online? Since you thought you’d do better that way...”

“Thanks, Mom. You are wise beyond your years. 

... The beach is gonna close in September, so I wanna make the most of it, but it’s getting so goddamn hot and humid outside that I’d rather spend that time in the woods where it’s shady... but then there’s the bugs...

Persinna said it’s the peak flower season, and I really ought to go back soon with him...

To be honest, I think I’d be totally down for another week if he takes off.”

She nodded as she put on a playlist of The Submarines, resuming her sewing and beginning to sing along quietly.

 

Minaeus showed up before the others, knocking on the door.

“... He knows he doesn’t need to practice anything, right? He’s just gonna be there.”

She shrugged, letting him in.

      “Ayyy, I’m hyped for this gay shit.”

“Don’t make it gay. That was the only condition.”

            “Since you’re early, I’ll take your measurements first. Could you pull your hoodie off?”

He complied, trying to stay still despite his ticklishness while she worked. 

“Aren’t you, like, hot wearing those things all the time?”

      “Yes. Yes, I am hot.”

...

“You wear them all year round, don’t you?”

      “Maybe.”

            “... Alright, perfect! I don’t have to tailor the base jacket. I would’ve just let you try it on, but we couldn’t risk it ripping, you know?”

      “How much was it?”

            “Just two dollars; don’t worry about it. I got rid of the stains and bleached it so it looks brand new! There was a small tear in the back, too, but it’s fixed now.”

“The master seamstress strikes again.”

      “Hot damn, thanks. So, she already made your outfit?”

“Yeah, she took in a sweater vest and made a bowtie out of a regular one, heheh... Ironically, Andrew already has everything he needs, and his grandfather let him pop the lenses out of his old glasses. I’m supposed to wrap tape around the bridge of mine, but I’m waiting ‘til the last possible minute.”

Sophie had hopped off to greet him, and I sat up to make room for him to join us. He decided to sit on my lap anyway, supporting most of his weight with his calves and wiggling against my crotch. I wheezed.

            “Oh, behave! You’re like a pair of horny dogs.”

“S’all him... Stop riding my dick.”

        He got off comically, flopping down next to me and draping his arm across my shoulders. I leaned into him, placing a smooch on his jaw since it was the highest thing I could reach. Sophie hopped onto the back of the couch, laying behind us.

Once the others arrived, they surprised us by playing on instrument apps instead of their equipment.

                             “Sorry, but there was no way I’d haul a whole drumset up here and take it apart to put it back together twice just for a rehearsal. We brought his bro’s Bluetooth speakers.

                     “This is a really nice place. Looks like it came out of an Ikea catalogue.”

 

_“Summer lovin’, had me a blast...”_

_“Summer lovin’-”_

      “Dick in my aaaass~”

She spritzed him yet again with her spray bottle filled with conditioner water, and he ducked, rolling away.

"I knew I should’ve cleaned... You look like a lint brush."

      "Ninja camo."

            “... It was all I asked. A simple request. How do we know you won’t grab the mic on stage and end our career?”

      “What? I’d never do something like that. 

...

      C'mon, I swear I’ll be good.”

                                “I’ll give him my triangle to keep him busy.”

     “Aw, hell yes.”


	29. Chapter 29

I often worked out and picked up street litter alone, so I aimed to bike to the beach twice a week to be social. Sometimes Anna took the bus with me, but she’d take a while to get all dolled up and would typically meet up with her gal pals to go window shopping on the boardwalk, stroll along the water’s edge, or relax on a blanket under an umbrella, doing sophisticated activities like reading, working on her tablet, and chatting while Minaeus and I horsed around, collected trash, and/or mingled with his friends. They played beach volleyball and other games, but I‘ve always sucked at anything that required competition, teamwork, physical coordination, and/or fast reflexes. However, they somehow acquired an incredibly large, lightweight mesh ball that could be folded up to fit in a pocket and reformed easily once it was unlocked. They would have a big free-for-all that spanned the whole area, and the only rule was that each player had to scuttle around like a crab and use their feet instead of their hands. As such, it was dubbed “crab-ball,” and it was a lawless, pointless, beautiful type of madness, with every man for himself. When they busted it out on weekends, they could get upwards of three dozen players at a time, from children to adults. I preferred to play when Minaeus wasn’t working, as he was much more familiar with the scene and it didn’t feel right to abandon him. In the event that all of his companions were occupied, I’d perch on the lifeguard stand next to him, swinging my legs and squinting into the shiny lake in search of critters. Sometimes, the weather would change unpredictably, and he would go off-duty, winding up the buoy rope that marked the safe swimming enclosure as the beachgoers hurriedly packed their belongings and left. It was those times, I think, that I enjoyed the most, huddled together in the semi-sheltered space as the waves crashed and wind and rain pelted against us. We’d get soaked, even when we were bundled up properly, but there was something exhilarating about being out in storms that never failed to make me feel alive. The aftermath was always fun, too- scoping out the shoreline and tidal pools to see if anything cool washed up, then heading back to his place to get a warm shower and spend the night there.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t open after dark, so we had to relocate for our next Group Adventure. We found a good (legal) camping spot, just the right distance from the tides.

I’d never gone camping before, and quickly realized how much it sucked. Winston and Anna had politely declined the invitation, citing his schedule, but I wouldn’t’ve blamed them if they’d just preferred to stay home. Ted had brought his multi-port, solar-powered, water and shock resistant charger, but I had stupidly forgotten my cord. My phone didn’t have a universal port, so I was screwed until we got back. There were no signs of civilization aside from a bathroom and empty campsites, and I found myself lying awake to shadows crossing our tent and the sounds of mating animals, envisioning the creatures Andrew was so enthusiastic about finding. Like last time, Ted came for the nature and photo ops, cradling his telescopic lense case to his chest as he slept. We had a large container of water, flashlights, nonperishables, a map, Ted’s camera accessories, binoculars, an identification guide, Andrew’s cryptid scrapbook, and a variety of supplies, along with two sleeping bags, since Minaeus and I were too cheap to buy shit we would only use once. Andrew and Ted had unzipped theirs to use it as a blanket, lying parallel to each other with their heads on their backpacks, while I was sandwiched in our bag atop my 6’9 pillow, who was out like a log. I slightly envied their ability to sleep in such conditions.

The next morning found me cranky and discombobulated, as did the afternoon and evening. Once we finally returned from a long birding expedition in the marshes, I trudged off to the outdoor shower with Minaeus, still complaining. I stayed in my boxers, but he didn’t hesitate to strip down, which resulted in an awkward surprise for our companions, who quickly left. We took turns, holding the chain down for each other as we stood on the concrete slab. 

“Wanna go home...” 

      “Seriously? I had no idea.”

“Why do people pay money to subject themselves to this? Just to realize how many first-world luxuries they take for granted?”

      “Dude, it’s not that bad... Be thankful you don’t have to boil water or shit in the woods.”

I grumbled to myself as I folded the towel around my waist, undergarments clinging uncomfortably to my form. I hung them up to dry and got dressed in a stall, embarrassed and tired and sore and itchy. It seemed that even Persinna and Eshe’s repellent couldn’t drive off every biting insect.

“I hope you’re having fun, at least.”

      “Yeah, mostly.”

“Maybe tomorrow will be better...”

We rejoined the others, who seemed to have recovered from their shock. There were several pop-lid cans and an airtight container of dry snack foods, which we had acquired at the dollar store on the way down. Minaeus opened a can of Spaghetti-O’s and shoved his face into it, not bothering to heat it up and only using a spoon upon insistence. I grabbed yet another protein bar, wrapping myself in a dry towel. He tried to warn me in advance that it’d get cold, and that I’d need a jacket. I didn’t listen, so he was sure to remind me that he was right. 

                     “Let’s play meme charades.”

“That’s a thing?”

                     “It’s like regular charades- you can’t use the names, so you’re gonna have to find other ways to portray them.”

      “I am so fucking down.”

                     “I’ll go first.”

He picked up a stick, starting to draw in the sand. 

      “It’s- It’s a frog...”

              “Fuck, there are so many frog memes...”

He added a plus sign and a teacup. I chimed in before anyone else could.

“BUT THAT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS!”

He nodded, passing me the stick.

“Oh, no. Ok, uh...”

I tried to draw a hand making the “ok” symbol, but failed miserably. Erasing it with my shoe, I started again, drawing a circle next to a cartoon hand.

      “Circle hand. Fucking owned.”

They groaned, and he took the stick.

“This will not end well.”

      “Actually, I don’t need it. I took the road less traveled-”

              “That’s too obvious. Highways count as roads.”

      “Fine...”

He raised two fingers, pointed at my shivering self and the fire, then stood up, sitting on the opposite end of my rock and raising his whole hand. I was utterly lost.

              “Two bros, chillin’ in a hot tub.”

The game continued until we got bored and ran out of ideas. They planned the rest of the weekend, setting general timeframes for doing things.

                     “Just wait ‘til we go kayaking,” Ted declared, packing up as Andrew left to clean the mess kit in the sink.

I resisted the urge to bitch more about our circumstances, relinquishing my towel in favor of Minaeus warmth. He smooched my cheek once I poked my head out, getting sauce on it, which he proceeded to lick off, ignoring my giggly protests. He wrapped his arms around me again, rocking from side to side. 

      “Imma kangaroo.”

Ted watched us in amusement, folding his arms behind his head and getting comfortable.

                    “You dudes show more PDA in two days than we have in six years.”

“Sorry,” I laughed sheepishly.

      “Yeah, he’s my lil cuddleslut.”

...

“Uh, wow, rude. You initiated all of this! It’s your fault; you’re the only person I’ve ever been touchy-feely with.”

      “I take pride in that.”

“... Fair enough.”

      “Probably making up for a lifetime of being affection-starved.” 

I fell silent, nuzzling him. He stroked my hair lovingly.

The sound of a camera going off broke my trance. Andrew stood off to the side, holding his phone up with a shit-eating grin.

“Delete that.”

               “I’m sending it to the group chat.”

      “I should post it on my Instagram. Got a lotta followers...”

“You both suck.”

               “That’s not a very fair assumption. For all you know, I could be engaging in a plethora of sexual activities, none involving cunninglingus. Or, I could be abstinent. Who are you to judge?”

I wiggled around under the head hole, flipping them off before going under to curl up in a ball.

      “... Some kinky fuck would pay a lot to see this. Maybe they’d use it as a ref for same-size vore.”

“Why. Why do you say these things,” I mumbled.

                        “I can’t believe he fit his whole body in there... It’s like a clown car.”

      “S‘just really stretchy, and he’s a noodle,” he laughed. 

 “And all of his clothes are ginormous.”

      “Ha, yeah, you should’ve seen him when he had to borrow my old pants. The belt was too big, so he made one out of rope just to keep them from falling down.”

One of them snorted, and I closed my eyes as they continued talking, feeling incredibly sleepy. I was surrounded by soft warmth, finally safe from all bugs. The fabric helped muffle some of the noise, and the rhythm of his heart and lungs lulled me into a sense of calm.

 

I found myself in the same position come morning, much to my surprise. I re-emerged from my cocoon, refreshed, slipping out of the sleeping bag to sneak outside and stretch. It was before dawn, and I imagined they’d stayed up for a while after me. 

The air was chilly, and only a few birds could be heard. Everything was peaceful, bathed in soft light. I took a flat trail lined with tall grasses to the top of a hill, appreciating the view of the encircling mountains. I studied the still-closed wildflowers and the reflections in the dewdrop-coated cobwebs until it was time to watch the sun rise over the lake, light filtering through the misty clouds and trees.

Thankfully, they hadn’t woken by the time I returned, so I did some more stretches and cracked my joints before heading back in. I’d contemplated attempting to make tea with the kettle they brought, but decided to wait for them instead of risking setting the place on fire. 

Around noon, they drove off to rent oars and an inflatable kayak, using the air pump on site before strapping it to the roof of the car with bungee cords. I’d initially let them talk me into joining them, but called it off once I saw my second water snake from the shore. They left with essentials and offerings for Champy, along with a sturdy spool of cable and a waterproof, motion-sensored camera. I waved farewell, rather nervous for them. 

The hours passed slowly, but I’d found a variety of unknown creatures, along with pretty moths and leafhoppers of different colors and patterns, deer and fawns, snails, turtles, tiny spotted toads, a salamander, pale green lacewings, a fuzzy caterpillar, iridescent dragonflies, an orgy of rainbow beetles, and so forth. The vegetation was just as diverse, with leaves of all shapes, sizes, and textures. I tried my best to memorize every sight, wishing I could take pictures to show the others. 

After following several miles of connecting trails and nearly getting lost, I retreated, dodging gnats as I barely outran the mosquitoes. I showered again and sat in silence in the tent, incredibly bored with nothing to do. 

_In hindsight, I could’ve at least brought a book..._

A sudden movement caught my attention, and I jerked at the sight of a strange bug mere inches away, heading closer. I glanced around quickly, finding no container to use as a potential holding cell. Edging backwards, I watched it apprehensively. I fumbled with the zipper to the door, escaping with a sigh of relief. 

...

_I’ll let them handle it.  
_

_... Ok, now what? Just stand around being mosquito bait?_

Begrudgingly, I resumed my explorations, regretting not wearing long pants.

I strayed farther from the lake as I went deeper into the forest, feeling relaxed and rejuvenated sans my aching muscles and feet. I scaled another rocky cliff in a clearing, higher than I’d ever managed before. I folded my legs and watched the sunset contently, enjoying a reprieve from the pests in the much cooler, shadier spot.

Once it sunk below the horizon, I began my descent, minding the ferns and moss and bugs as usual. As I drew nearer to our campsite in the dim evening light, I began to hear muffled calls. My blood went cold in guilt.

      “Al? Al!”

I hurried towards his voice, bracing myself.

He spotted me first, running and tackling me in a hug.

      “You goddamn idiot, don’t- don’t ever do that again. Not without a phone.”

“I’m sorry-”

      “You have, like, no sense of self-preservation.”

I considered saying the same to him, but decided against it.

“I didn’t think you’d-”

      “We’ve been looking for you for over an hour! Thought you got, like, dragged off by an ax murderer or attacked by a rabid squirrel.”

I snorted, then realized he wasn’t joking.

“Shit, I’m sorry... They’re gonna be so angry...”

      “More like relieved.”

He released me from his tight hold, setting me back on the ground and allowing me to catch my breath. 

“I won’t do it again...”

He texted the others, avoiding eye contact.

      “You better fucking not.”

I felt on edge as we headed back in silence- it was like seeing a whole different side to him.

...

      “I’m sorry; you just really scared us.”

“... In all fairness, I put Anna and Winston through a number of ordeals and they reacted similarly.”

      “Just- Just use common sense next time. If you’re gonna go frolicking off in the middle of nowhere, at least tell someone first.”

“I would’ve brought my phone-”

      “Whatever; you’re ok, and that’s all that matters.”

...

“Did you, ah, have fun? Looks like you went swimming, heh...”

      “... We were also being idiots. After we saw the naturey stuff, we went out really far to sink the bait and camera, and just waited there until something grabbed the cable. It was hooked to the kayak, so we were dragged a couple yards, flipped over, and pulled underwater until we tossed it... Luckily, we had life vests.”

“... Holy fuck!!! He is real!”

      “It was... an experience,” he laughed. “I think I pissed myself.”

I chortled, grateful that the mood had lightened. The others were kind enough not to mention what happened until I apologized. Minaeus freed what was apparently a harmless earwig and took his turn at the shower as they lit the fire. The belongings they had brought were strung out to dry- thankfully, they were wise enough to leave the camera gear behind and seal their devices in ziplock bags. 

                 “One sec; gotta share the experience on some subreddits while it’s still fresh... Posted! Next: Paranormal. New, paste, post... Now, onto UnresolvedMysteries!

                 I doubt I’ll get any biters, since we don’t have proof and I redacted our location... but maybe it’s better that way. The creature must be protected from humanity, since, you know, we ruin everything.

                  ... And done! Anyway, in the future, just don’t.”

                            “Never leave without a phone, know your surroundings, and be prepared for anything. It’s basic survival skills, even if you’re just walking to a store in some rich suburb. Shit can happen anywhere.”

I nodded, still embarrassed.

                “I was an easy target when I was young, so my brother taught me self-defense- he has a black belt. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind showing you some moves.”

“Jeez, thanks...”

Minaeus had snuck up quietly, sitting behind me and wrapping his limbs around me. I squeaked, startled, and he pulled me onto his lap, burying his face in my hair.

      “M’never lettin’ you go, bitch.”

“But I have to pee.”

...

He freed me reluctantly. When I returned, I climbed back into his lap, promptly snuggling under his hoodie. He sighed happily, resuming his octopus hug.

      “This. This is what it’s all about.”

                                “This is the gayest shit I’ve ever seen.”

“Have you ever looked in a mirror?”

_“Ohhhhhhh!”_

                                “Fuck off, bro; there’s a difference between being gay and _being_ gay.”

“... I suppose that’s true.”

      “Yeah, no, we’re gay as fuck.”

                      “By those standards, Ted and I are straight.”

“Would that make Anna a gay man?”

      “She can be pretty extra.”

                      “Hmm... If we’re going by personality, then you, Alastair, are the gayest gay, and Anna is second. I’m an average gay, despite my love of boobies. The rest of you are heterosexual normies.”

I huffed, trying not to laugh. 

                               “Dad’s not a normie, but he’s a hundred percent straight.”

“He‘s the exception. We’re leaving him out of this.”

                      “Yes, Winston is exempt from judgement.”

      “Dude acts like he stepped out of a time machine from the 1920’s. And that sick ‘stache... that dapperness... that gentlemanly aura...”

We agreed in unison, falling silent for several minutes. 

“... I worry about her, to be honest, with all the terror attacks on Planned Parenthood. She’s way stronger and smarter than me, and I know she can handle herself, but, my god, they use guns and bombs and toxic chemicals... and once he finishes at the hospital and opens his own clinic... They’re gonna have so much dangerous shit to deal with; they need security, and I don’t know if they’ll be able to afford it. They probably won’t get any funding.”

      “I thought you were super rich... No offense.”

“Rich enough to not have to work yet. It’ll run out eventually.”

      “But- But you paid my tuition-”

“I didn’t earn my inheritance, so I’d rather have it go to people who deserve it.”

      “Dude, no...”

“It’s no biggie; I’ve only helped you and Winston. We have a steady income on top of it.”

      “... Aight, so when you’re broke imma share my hoe money. We’ll be sugar buddies.”

“Heheh... Thanks. Hopefully I’ll have a job by then.”

                                 “Nah, capitalism is bs. Fight the system. Don’t be another cog in the machine.”

                    “Maybe you could find something you’ll actually enjoy... It’d be nice if our channel took off and we got ad revenue.”

      “I could probably make you go viral.”

“... I mean, we wanted to keep it professional, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

      “You know how many followers I had on my old Vine account? Over 315k.”

“Jesus! You’re a celebrity.”

      “Now people follow my Instagram to quench their thirst, and my Twitter to fulfill their shitpost needs. I also run a Facebook meme page anonymously.”

                    “Please help us. We have no dignity.”

      “I gotchu, fam. We’ll come up with some fresh OC.”

“Oh see?”

      “Original content.”

“Ah.”

      “Don’t worry, I will train you in my ways. I’ll make a meme out of you.”

...

“Actually, I don’t really wanna be famous.”

                    “Really? You’ve acted like that was your dream for as long as I’ve known you.”

“I like feeling liked from afar and being the center of attention on stage, but I also like having privacy and no stalkers.

...

I think I set unachievable goals to motivate myself, so I don’t have to be disappointed by reality if I glorified them... or fall into some existential crisis and have to find new ones... For everything else, I try to lower my expectations until they’re virtually nonexistent.”

                              “That’s... actually not a bad idea.”

      “I might branch off into YouTube anyway- if I make it big, I’ll get that cash money.”

I chortled, leaning back against him to nuzzle his cheek. He smooched the side of my head.

                     “Alright, gays, it’s Scary Storytime.”

“Aw, hell no.”

      “I thought you already told us everything.”

He laughed darkly, starting to play creepy music from his phone.

                   “I have a vast supply. Tonight, the topic is the ghosts of Burlington. Now, as you know, they’re not real, but-”

“No, nope.”

                   “You’re scared already? I thought you were Mister Science, not Supernatural.”

“I may not believe in anything, but that doesn’t mean I fuck with it. I can’t even watch kiddie movies without being up all night and keeping the lights on for days.”

      “For the sake of the environment, don’t subject yourself to spookery.”

                   “... Hmm. What if you're the storyteller?”

“Me? I don’t know any ghost stories.” 

                   “You just have to reach into your subconscious and weave them into fabrication.”

      “So, you make things up?”

                   “Embellish, improve upon, improvise when needed.”

                               “I fucking knew it.”

He chuckled, and I got more comfortable, pausing to watch the embers spark as the smoke wisped up into the starry sky.

“This... is a story-”

      “-all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down-”

“Shush. This is the story of a life that began at death.

In 1901, a child was born-”

      “A lot of people were born in 1901.”

“Shut up. A child was born to peasants, who died in a tragic accident several years later.”

      “Please don’t make up a ghost story about your parents, man, that’s fucked-”

“I would never do that!! If you would kindly just shut the fuck up-”

      “Alright, alright.”

                      “... Maybe I should go into couple’s counseling, too.”

“Ok, I’m starting over. This boy was a little shit who had a happy early childhood, but then everything got fucked and the ground went out from under him, quite literally. He was forced to board an immigrant ship and sail abroad to the only family he had left. There, he was placed in a boarding school run by nuns with rulers. To his peers, he was temperamental, cowardly, presumptuous, adversarial... generally, just the kind of person who drove everyone away.

He adopted the facade of a charming intellectual as he got older and majored in Quantum Physics, but the only thing he was good at was entertaining. He became an alcoholic to cope with social anxiety, and destroyed his only friendship. He locked himself in a cycle of self-sabotage, and his botched studies led to repeated failures. It got to the point where he was no longer allowed to use the lab or workshop on campus, so he stole supplies and secretly started working in his dorm to build a machine with which to test his theories.

Then came Prohibition, which abruptly ended the supply for his addiction. Spiraling into worse health, he continued to struggle in school, and broke down from stress one night, a week before his final presentation on matter conversion was due. He went to a speakeasy and accidentally poisoned himself with bad moonshine, but when he keeled over, the patrons just assumed he had too much and threw him out in the street. He cracked his skull, but somehow regained consciousness and hobbled home. Upon arrival, he collapsed onto his machine and died.

But that wasn’t the end- it was just the beginning. Unbeknownst to him, he was the final component needed to make his experiment a success, and he had unwittingly sacrificed himself to the void, so to speak, to become a being of sentient dark energy with no corpse. Upon reawakening and returning to the physical dimension, he found himself unreal and unable to interact with the world around him. Distraught and confused, he drifted through the halls until he discovered that he could channel electricity to manifest. The sole witness screamed along with him and promptly fainted, which caused him to begin to fear his newfound capabilities and consider isolating himself. When the man recovered, they were eventually able to talk, and he offered companionship in the hopes of helping the specter avoid slipping into madness. Coincidentally, he was the new tenant of his dorm, and his girlfriend was the one he botched his friendship with. They made amends, and the two provided him with emotional support and grounded him while he came to terms with his new pseudo-existence and learned how to use his powers for good, even saving lives.

Decades later, they died of old age, and his only other friends had been murdered in an act of malice. Angry, unstable, and mentally exhausted from the pain of bearing witness to the world deteriorating, he finally lost it. He became a vengeful, intangible, invisible spirit, haunting with illusions and telekinesis, possessing technology, transferring electricity... He destroyed where he used to create, giving no more second chances to evildoers. It was only when he saw couples reminiscent of his lost loved ones caught up in the wreckage that he remembered empathy and took mercy on them. Utterly tired from his endless existence, he embraced nihilism and attempted to fix the damage he caused. He gave up trying to save the planet, letting it die at the hands of humanity. 

Like almost every other decision he made, he came to regret it. He was stranded, alone, a tormented soul in a post-apocalyptic wasteland just trying to avoid spiraling further into insanity.”

...

      “- but then he met a sexy android with anime hair, an 8-pack, and legs for days. He got ghostbusted, and they fused to usher in a new era of life.”

“And- And they made a bunch of robot gods to ensure that balance would always be maintained, and everything was ok forever! The end.”

There was an awkward silence, broken by polite clapping. 

                      “... Great job, but I wouldn’t consider that a ghost story. Part of me wants to psychoanalyze it like an English major.”

Ted yawned, getting up to retrieve the bucket of sand to douse the fire.

“It was all I could think up. I have oddly specific dreams and subconscious notions, most of which involve me being noncorpal with superpowers.”

      “I don’t dream a lot, but when I do it’s like watching a GoPro or I’m ginormous with no ass... Also, you done good. I liked the part where I saved the world.”

“Because you told it.”

      “Yeah. 

...

      If I tried to suck your dick, would I vacuum you up?” 

I considered leaving, but was too warm and comfortable. I withdrew again, like a turtle in a shell. He patted me through the fabric.

      “... Mm, vore.”

                                 “Damn, dude, how many months are you?”

      “Sixty-nine.”

                              _“Nice.”_

They high-fived above my head, and I reached under his shirt to tickle him passive-aggressively. It resulted in an accidental elbow to the face, which I probably deserved.

      “Shit, sorry.”

I groaned in response. He scooped me up and carried me to the tent, getting into his sleeping bag before the others. 

                  “Can he breathe under all those layers?”

      “Apparently.”

The lantern was turned off, and they went still.

“Goodnight,” I mumbled.

      “Gnite, butt baby.”

“How fucking dare you,” I remarked apathetically.

                  “It seems that the price to pay for your arrangement is continuous fetish jokes.”

“Yeah, no, he‘ll incorporate them into pretty much anything, for any reason.”

      “Invoreporate.”

“Right.”

                  “... Remind me to interview you two if I ever need a research topic.”

We laughed tiredly.

 

On Sunday night, we were dropped off at my apartment, waving goodbye before hauling ass and baggage up the stairs. I announced our presence once we came in, but there was no response. After checking the other rooms, I plugged my phone in and, by the time we got situated, learned that Winston had off on Monday so they went on a mini vacation. She explicitly asked that we not inform the others to avoid hurt feelings. 

“... They won’t be back until tomorrow night. Is it a holiday or something?”

      “Monday’s the Fourth of July, dingus. I have off, too.”

A slow realization dawned upon us. He leaned closer, brushing his lips against my ear.

      “We can make our own fireworks~”

“Yes. Yes, _finally-”_

I sprung backwards, jumping up to wrap my arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist, kissing him with a feverent passion. He nearly fell over in surprise.

      “Should- Shouldn’t we, like-”

“There’s clean sheets and pillowcases in the closet. They have a friggin’ ginormous bed!!”

      “I dunno, man; I don’t think I’ll be able to look ‘em in the eye again...”

“Bed. Big. Comfy. Alone. I helped pay for it, and she’d probably do the same if the roles were reversed... And I will gladly fuck you in our spacious shower! In fact, maybe we should start there. I can’t wait to clean myself properly again; I’m so glad to be home...”

He laughed, following me down the hall into the bathroom.

      “It’s NAKEY TIME.”

We stripped down and tossed our clothes in the hamper, and I retrieved fluffy towels from the cabinet before sliding open the glass door and turning on the massage head, waiting until the water warmed up to hop in. 

      “... This is actually really fucking sweet. The pressure feels amazing... I never thought I’d say this, but do you think we could just shower? I wanna reminisce on this when I’m in my lil cubicle.”

“Yeah, sure. You know, you can always move here.”

      “Mm... but then where would I smash?”

“... Didn’t think of that.”

We appreciated the luxury in silence, and proceeded to frick multiple times once we were out, continuing until we physically couldn't. In our post-coital daze, we laid together, just enjoying the moment.

...

“Hey, about last night. Do you... ever dream of being a robot?”

      “In the literal sense? Yes. Metaphorical, I’m kinda indifferent. As long as I can nut, I’m happy.”

“I wonder if it’s common for people to have... consistent personas and connected dreams. I mean, I certainly am an atypical individual, but I don’t even know how to identify the origins of most of them. If I was one of those spiritual hippies, I’d think I was having memories from a past life, or another universe entirely, with my consciousness like a neuron firing or some shit. 

I can’t afford to get into woo or anything not rooted in logic and science, but sometimes I let myself wonder... It’s an escape, I guess, into the comfort of the mystery-shrouded void of the unknown.”

      “... So, that story, you didn’t improvise anything?”

I shook my head.

      “Damn... Well, at the least, you have a good imagination. You could be a writer.”

"But who'd even want to read my garbage?"

      "Bitch, me."

"Heh, thanks... You’re likely the only one."

      "Then you can fill it with giant robot vore."

...

"I love you."

 

When we finally got up in the morning, I took the bedding, along with our dirty clothes from the weekend, down to the communal washer and dryer on the ground floor. It was crowded outside, despite the clouds and humidity, so we opted to stay cool indoors until they came home, recovering from our adventures and having a laptop cuddlefest like usual. 


	30. Chapter 30

"I just... I don't know. What am I doing with my life? What _should_ I be doing?"

                        "It sounds like you're having another, ah, existential crisis. Is that correct?"

I groaned, cracking more joints as I switched to a different stretch.

"How do you do it, Winston?"

                        "Do what?"

"You're a good person who does things right. How do you avoid being an asshat like me?"

                        "First of all, insulting yourself won't help you get to where you want to be. Second, we're very different people with different experiences."

"I guess... That’s no excuse for me to be like this, though." 

                        "... Alright, listen. I'm no psychologist, but I think I understand. My decisions stem from responsibility and obligation. One of the factors to take into consideration is that you've never had people live for you, and you've never lived for anyone else, either- not even yourself."

"Except Sophie."

                        "Right. Would you say that she gives you purpose?"

I nodded, folding over. He continued to tap away at his work on the laptop. 

"I mean, so do you and all my friends, though. So does taking care of myself, and cleaning up wildways..."

                         "But she's uniquely dependent on you for her wellbeing."

"A concept I find terrifying, to be frank. You both help take care of her, and before that, my aunt's butler did. I should never be in a position of power over someone else- I’m too fucked up. Sorry for the language." 

                         "... Hmm. So, it goes unsaid that you wouldn't want to take care of animals on your own."

"Hell no... Sorry, again."

                        "Doesn't Minaeus work at that shelter? I forget the name..."

"Tiny Paws!"

                        "Right. Perhaps you could accompany him?"

"... Winston, you are a genius. Thank you." 

She hopped onto my back from the top of the fridge, and I yelped, falling flat in shock. She sniffed the top of my head before nuzzling it, then curled up against my neck and started to purr. I sighed, contorting my arm in order to pet her. He just chuckled, shaking his head.

 

Minaeus volunteered on Wednesday mornings, and was more than happy to let me join him. I spent half the time in the kitten room, and the rest petting every friendly critter possible. After several more visits, I decided to apply, and was then certified to take one at a time out to play, along with walking the dogs. It was a relief not to be bound to a commitment but still able to help somewhat. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (nsfw)

We set aside much time to, er, practice, and we broke his record within the weeks to come. Naturally, that warranted celebratory sex. Then, midnight sex on his birthday (August eighth), sex post-third trip to his oasis to watch the Perseid meteor showers from the roof observatory because it was just so awesome, sleepy sex, experimental sex on multiple occasions in different manners, tender sex post-feelings jam, quiet sex on the couch bed in the middle of the night because we were high from finishing a good series, etc. At one point, he referred to his genitalia as a nutsack, simply because of how many of my nuts he sacked. This was in front of several of his beach buddies, and I burned from embarrassment on top of lack of sunscreen.

Autumn came, and with it, the transition back into the school year. Andrew was taking an ASL class for future nonverbal clients, and he convinced me to join him. It was something to do, and I wanted to impress Eshe the next time I saw her. We spent Halloween playing _Pokemon Go_  and getting sidetracked on our way to a costume party, and, on my birthday (November fourth), we all went up to see the colorful foliage, carve reject pumpkins, pick apples, and spend time with his family. They loosely celebrated Diwali for Hiya, and they had been every year since she arrived to make her feel more at home. There was also a big shitpile bonfire, a party for the workers, and a community harvest festival. Our companions had to leave early, so the two of us hiked for hours on the last day to experience the full beauty of the changing mountains, crunching slippery leaves underfoot and watching raptors migrate.

My schedule was fairly open- I stuck to my fitness routine, we performed every now and then, and I kept up with my next online class as well as the physical one, but that was it.

For a while, he wasn’t up for doing the diddly, but I didn’t question it. I was content just to snuggle and look at memes, anyway. We saw each other scarcely during that time, as he’d usually say he was busy.

 

* * *

**  
akgerhardt + voretwenty69**

 

there's no easy way to tell you this, but i feel obligated to...

i'm so sorry in advance

**What is it, my dude?**

i had a wet dream

**Oh**

**Nice.**

like, really, really wet

literally and metaphorically

**Omo?**

ew, god no...

i don't know what i expected phrasing it that way

you were how i imagined your android self, all soft and warm and ginormous, and i was my ghost self

it got pretty x-rated 

**Did I vore you?**

...

i think

**I knew you'd join the dark side someday~**

i will never be into that furry shit

**Who said I was a furry?**

you

**Ah, yeah.**

it was so aesthetically pleasing

like, a heated pool combined with a massage bed

you smelled like febreeze

**Doesn't exactly sound lewd. Vanilla at most.**

tell that to my dick

it was the best sleep i've ever had

i don't even know how many times i, you know

**Wait, wait. Hold the goddamn phone.**

**You got giant blowjobs, didn't you?**

just one

**I'd give you the ultimate succ in my final form.**

but everything was so glowy and blue and hygienic and beautiful, like some 8th wonder of the world

**Aces are wild.**

i know you're secretly into the most benign fluff

**Nah, man. I have hardcore fetishes.**

no you don't

**You got me there**

**So, now you gotta tell me every little detail. Distract me from reality.**

did something happen?

**Ehh.**

what? are you ok?!

**I'm fine; it's probably just something I vored.**

**I'm putting my hand in my pants now.**

...

* * *

 

He texted me out of the blue one day, asking if I could come over. I rode down cheerfully, enjoying the cooler weather.

I left my bike in the shop, waving to Ursa before heading upstairs and knocking on the door.

“Hey!”

      “Hey,” he smiled.

“... Is everything ok?”

      “No one’s dying, at least,” he joked halfheartedly. I walked in, sitting on the floor next to him and waiting in concerned silence.

      “I hate suspense, so I’m gonna try to tell you straight up.

      ... Ok, so, I kinda didn’t know my body as well as I thought I did, and I only went through male puberty, so I never had periods or any of that shit- those organs were always just there, inactive. But, uh, yeah, I don’t know if it’s because you’ve been waterin’ my crops, but, uh. My physiology hasn’t changed, but-”

“You’re pregnant?!”

      “Eyep. My stomach kink has reached full fruition.”

“I thought you were just hitting the doritos too hard...”

      “I’d never let myself get out of shape... I started feeling weird a while ago, and, when I didn’t get better, I was afraid that there were parasites in the lake after all or that I had some kind of tumor. I went to the clinic, and they tested for everything, sent me to different places for different possibilities when the results came back negative... Then I got an MRI, which raised questions, so I got an ultrasound yesterday, which showed stuff they weren’t expecting to find. She brought a doctor in, and I ended up having to explain that I’m intersex and getting nutted in. The veil was finally lifted, heheh... Just fuck me up, man! I need to get rid of it and sterilized, then take care of all these goddamn bills...”

I knelt behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, attempting to comfort him.

      “... I’m gonna have to leave five-star reviews for my staple condoms, because holy shit, I’ve been having sex for over a decade with no repercussions.”

“I’ll pay for everything. Why don’t you come back to my place? Winston should be home by the time we get there.”

      “Look, I love the guy, and I’m sure he’s great at what he does, but I don’t want to make things awkward by having him reach up my ass-”

“No, no! He’ll give good advice, and he can get you an appointment with whoever he trusts most,” I laughed. 

I rested my chin on his shoulder, and he leaned back against me, closing his eyes as I raised his shirt and started lightly massaging his abdomen. It was taut and slightly distended, looking overly full and rather uncomfortable. His muscles gradually uncoiled as I worked them, tendons loosening to allow me to feel everything underneath with my fingertips. He exhaled, whimpering quietly.

“I wish you’d told me you weren’t feeling well... You shouldn’t’ve had to go through that alone; it must’ve been so stressful.”

      “Didn’t wanna worry you with everything else going on.”

“I don’t have anything else going on, and your wellbeing is my priority! You are of utmost importance to me, and you deserve the love and support you afford so many others... Please, come stay with us, at least until we get this sorted out. And we will, by the way. I won’t let a cluster of nonsentient cells harm you.”

He nodded, breathing shakily.

      “I just. For starters, my body literally can’t handle it. And neither can my mind. I mean, dude- we’re so fucked up. We can’t raise anything short of a disaster. The kid wouldn’t be able to handle the combination of our polar opposite issues, and, if they didn’t off themselves, they’d be in for an existence of pure suffering- internal and external. The world is getting shittier every day; no one should be forced to grow up in this hellhole.

      ... But, most importantly, the planet can’t handle even one more human being. It’s irresponsible.”

“You’re right, and I agree. I will fight any zealot who tries to stop you.”

He smirked, probably imagining my scrawny ass getting arrested for trying to throw hands at Republican politicians or being curb-stomped by Christian breeders. 

“Seriously, if someone starts guilt-tripping you with religious lunacy and fake facts, just call me or Anna or Andrew and we’ll run their ear off. They're much better at it than me, but still... I have a lot of pent-up emotions about the current state of affairs, and I need to start channeling them constructively.”

      “As opposed to reproductively?”

I giggled, smooching him.

“... I feel like I should apologize for, ah, this.”

      “Shit happens,” he shrugged.

“Still... Sorry.”

      “If you don’t think I’m gonna let you nut in me anymore, you got a whole ‘nother load coming.”

“Oh, god-”

      “Seriously, I just have to get my eggies removed, and then it’s business as usual.”

I chortled, continuing to rub in the ways that seemed to help the most based on his reactions- slow, light circles with my palm across his whole abdomen, soft kneading of specific areas with my fingers, and so forth. He moaned in pleasure when I found and addressed a tense spot near his navel, now visibly relaxed and enjoying himself.

“You’re downright adorable.”

      “M’totally gonna get off to this somehow...”

“By all means. It’s been... how long?”

      “... Over two months solo.”

“My poor darling...”

I ghosted my hands from his jaw to torso, murmuring sweet nothings in his ear. He tilted his head back, resting it on my shoulder.

      “I missed this so fucking much.”

“Me too...”

He placed his hand atop mine for a moment, stilling it and pressing deeper to feel his abdominal pulse.

      “Somewhere in here is a part of you that went too far... It’s my fault. I can’t get enough of you, and when I finally have you deep inside of me, as close as possible, it- it feels so right, so good. I just want to hold you there forever, stay full and complete... But when the haze clears, I know that I want more than anything to protect and care for you, keep you safe, hide you from all the dangers of the world... Us as in our whole selves, not just bits. I wanna have soul sex. I wanna vore you on the astral plane.”

He released the pressure, moving it slightly to the side.

      “... See how fast it’s going? That’s what you do to me. That’s how fucked up I am.”

I buried my face in the crook of his neck, beyond flustered.

Eventually, he guided it lower, leaving it under his waistband. I took my queue, carefully working him open only to find that he was already wet and throbbing. He whined softly, taking my opposite hand and placing it back on his abdomen. I continued to massage him.

“You’re so perfect, Minaeus... A literal angel. I just want you to feel better...”

I fingered him gently but tenderly, slowly working him over the edge. He quivered, trembling as I attempted to get out every last spasm, stroking the point and stimulating the inside walls. He went lax against me once he finished, chest heaving. I removed my hands, tracing patterns on his skin with my dry thumbs.

“... Sorry I’m not father material.”

      “Me neither. We’d be worse than that Spongebob episode when they found the baby clam.”

I snort-laughed, getting up to wash my hands and then returning, helping him into bed.

He fell asleep to my touches, and I smiled, relieved to see him at peace again.

 

      “... Hey, I know this is weird, but. Uh. My stomach flip-flops every time I eat, so I have trouble keeping food down, and- it felt really nice when… I thought it might help-”

I smirked, kissing his cheek.

“You don’t need an excuse to ask for rubbins.”

      “Seriously, though, I don’t wanna see this soup again.”

He drank the rest of the tea I’d made him, putting the mug in the empty bowl on the bed. I laid beside him, lifting his hand off his abdomen to replace it with mine, going slow, light, and gentle in an attempt to calm it. His tummy gurgled as its contents gradually settled, working hard to process the meal. Just when I thought it was better, it shifted violently, and he hiccuped. He poked it, and it squelched in response.

“I think your body misses when corn chips were the only troublemakers in there... It’s like a finely-tuned machine that accidentally got some sand in it. Or, going off that metaphor, your uterus is an oyster, and it’s making a pearl to counter the irritation.”

He hiccuped again, grumbling back at his gut.

      “No offense, but that’s not helping. If you wanna indulge me, uh. You were off to a good start.”

I leaned down to press a kiss to his stomach, burying my face in his shirt as I continued to rub. He draped an arm over me and sighed, followed by the muffled sounds of rippling waves. I nearly bounced off at the next hiccup, bubbles sloshing under me.

      “... Sorry I’m so gross.”

“It’s cute, really. You’re cute. I like making you feel good.”

      “I hit the jackpot, man...

      Thanks.”

“Anytime~”

It stilled, and he eventually went back to sleep, happy and content with a full, warm tummy. I tried not to think about how much he’d been suffering until now.

 

      “Wait, wait. We gotta make the most of this.”

“Please not again-”

He replayed “The Baby is You,” quoting choice lines.

  _“... Man tiddies in your face~”_

I struggled to breathe through my laughter, tears forming.

"This... is... so fucked up. I... I don’t..."

      “Shhh. Listen, I gotta make as many mpreg jokes as possible while I still can.”

I’d convinced him to move in with us, at least for the time-being. They welcomed him with open arms and made him feel at home. Winston got him the soonest appointment, but not before giving one of his patented dad hugs and assuring him he’d be fine. He was, of course, and proceeded to ace his finals. The next step was a consultation for the surgery to remove those parts- it was a bit more complicated. I did my best to keep him comfortable, showering him in near-constant TLC for the two weeks it took to recover. 

 


	32. Chapter 32

His family invited us all to join them for a late Kwanzaa, which Winston was looking forward to. His “employers” were ruthless, and incredibly stingy with time off, so he couldn’t get enough days to go home and celebrate with his family. He carried on with a smile (like usual), video-calling whenever he could. 

It was yet another abnormally warm early winter, with only enough of an occasional chill to coat the mornings with frost and show your breath. Andrew and Ted were celebrating Hanukkah with the extended Benowitz family, and had been gifted ugly sweaters knitted with love. Ted was able to talk with his siblings whose relationships weren’t swayed by their parents’ agendas. He was even bold enough to email a Christmas card to his parents anonymously, customized with a framed photo of him and Andrew, wearing the aforementioned sweaters and surrounded by cats. As such, Anna bestowed upon each cat a yamaka with an elastic chin string, which Sophie modeled for her. Sophie was included in the Mothers Nature’s invitation, since she got along with most other critters and our neighbors were on vacation this time. At the least, she could be separated from the dogs if things went haywire.

Surprisingly, Ursa accepted Minaeus’s invitation. She parked her motorcycle outside our complex, and all six of us crammed into an Uber with our bags, enduring the 45-minute drive mostly in silence. Minaeus kept the atmosphere light, dissolving the tenseness with occasional jokes. Anna had tried to strike up a conversation with Ursa about makeup and fashion, but she didn't feign interest. 

When we arrived, we were greeted warmly and led inside. The house was filled with beautiful decorations, as well as a long-needled evergreen tree, which was apparently kept in a pot year-round. We exchanged gifts before even sitting down- most of ours were thrifted, while Anna handmade hers. The moms gave us more of their products, bundled in a pretty canvas bag for each guest. Hiya was overjoyed to inherit Minaeus’s tamagotchi family, and received a refurbished 3DS and several games from Ursa, the origins of which were unknown. Ursa then proceeded to pass me a heavy, unwrapped box. I pulled off the tape and opened the lid, removing the layer of insulation to find a round metal creation with a variety of gizmos. 

                   "He said ya need a bass player, and I'm trusting you'll look after him when I'm gone. Gone as in planning to get onboard with MATRAS Labs in the near future. They've been begging for my expertise for years, an' now that they're offering living quarters and a personal workshop, I think I'll take 'em up on it."

"I- Wow, I- This is a robot? And it plays bass?!" 

                   "Wi-Fi and Bluetooth-enabled, with built-in speakers and a recorder, other instrument modes, voice commands, pattern recognition, and custom settings. Scraps and simple programs, really, but it’s got high CPU and RAM, so it should evolve through deep learning, maybe even write its own songs- open-source code is a wonderful thing.”

"Holy shi- Sorry, I- Wow, heh. Thank you so much, really. You should hear us play sometime! 

... 

Frig, I'm so sorry, I forgot-”

                   "No, it's to be expected. Technically, I can feel music... but I don't care about that partying shit. Thanks anyway."

She took a sip of her sparkling cider, placing it back down on the table. 

                   "Oy, but you have names, right? Other than Mom 1 and Mom 2?"

Persinna chortled while Eshe laughed silently, and they proceeded to introduce themselves. Ursa stared, deep in thought for a moment. 

                    "I'll beef hooked, I thought you looked familiar. It’s been so long; I always wondered what became of you."

            "... Sorry, I don't think we’ve met before."

                    "Right, I was scruffy back then. Had a working voicebox and no wrinkles or grey. Different name, too.

                    How long did the van last once ya got out of that hellhole?" she smirked.

They gaped, surprise fading into incredulous joy.

 

“... Honestly, I fucking hate winter. It’s depressing as all hell, the days are too cold and short and near everything is dead or dormant... I’m glad we got a reprieve for December thanks to climate change. Christmas is the worst, but it wasn’t as bad as usual this year for that reason. The whole avoiding media and society thing helps... Just, the constant bombardment with cookie-cutter mindsets of religious dominance and rampant consumerism in the form of buying gifts and decorations... To be a good person and save yourself, you have to accept the recycled and appropriated myths related to deities incarnate and the likes, support pregnancy in an unwilling child marriage, worship White Jesus while rejecting actual Middle Eastern refugees... So much waste, so exclusionary... Just a load of brainwashing capitalism. Show your love by using your money for fossil fuel products made with slave labor... Join the madness or else be associated with cartoon villains coded with racist and antisemitic stereotypes... Man, fuck it all.

I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who don’t do that shit, but I wouldn’t hold it against someone if they did celebrate... I’d just feel guilty as hell if they bought me anything because of my issues.”

He took a deep whiff of the potpourri bowl, sighing happily.

      “I wanna deepthroat a cinnamon roll and shove a peppermint rod up my ass and stick maple syrup candies on my nips, in no particular order.”

I snorted, snuggling further into the fluffy blanket we were sharing.

“Hot.”

            “I imagine your moms’ products are quite in demand this time of year.”

      “Hell yeah. I’m glad they still have some leftovers.”

We fell into content silence, appreciating the pleasant, cozy atmosphere. The air was filled with nice fragrances, room illuminated by several candles and a strand of fairy lights. As usual, Winston was thronged by dogs. He fell asleep rather early due to sheer exhaustion, using Jakey’s side as a pillow. I was relieved that he could at least catch a break. Minaeus’s family was still on a farm-like daylight schedule, so only the three of us and Ursa were still conscious.

...

                    “I used to have a family. We gathered together this time of year and shared good memories... but they were dumb bastards and disowned me younger than you, which was why I joined the miliatr’y. Didn’t realize just how evil Uncle Sam is. All those poor idyits marchin’ to their deaths for lies, used like expendable pawns... Lost touch with most of my division, but I imagine the ones who weren’t psychopaths were scarred for life, prob’ly ended up on the streets... Mom’d the fuck outta them while I could, tried to protect them... I hope none of you ever get drafted. Skip the country; go to jail if there’s no alternative... It’s not cowardly. Anything is better than spilling innocent blood.

                    ... What? You know I’m right.”

            “You’re officially one of us!”

 

He left once the spring semester started, excited and nervous about finishing his last classes. I took another physics requirement online and continued like the previous semester, and, to our surprise, he got situated as a model at both Champlain and Vermont University.

I found myself visiting him much more often, looking for any excuse to check in and just spend time with him. He was beyond eager to experience physical intimacy again, taking me with an overwhelming passion. The cold set in around February, and, while we kept each other warm, his apartment was so poorly heated that I made an offhand comment about my junk freezing off if we continued there. He remarked that I’d redefine the term “blue-balled.”

After several more unpleasant trips with goosebumps, runny noses, numb fingers, and nipplerections, he caved. It turned out that Ursa had told him she intended to move all along because she was “getting too old for this shit house,” and was more than happy to assist him in relocating. I sold my twin-sized bed and got an even cheaper, king-sized mattress from a factory reject store- it took up most of my floor space. Anna stitched together the rather large rip so it was good as new, our pals helped us set up the tank in the living room, and, after he sold his unnecessary possessions, the rest were quickly integrated. The reward of cuddling up with him in a spacious, warm nest in the privacy of our own room as the wind howled outside and ice frosted the glass was incomparable.


	33. Chapter 33

Like usual, time seemed to escape me. It was always a dreadful feeling to blink and miss an hour, then find myself halfway through the next month. 

_I wish I could just make it stop... let everything stay this way forever._

Minaeus was often caught up with schoolwork after class, and the lab had become his third home. I decided to pop in to provide sustenance and company one day, hoping it wouldn't backfire. After wandering the halls for twenty minutes or so like a lost soul, I finally found the right room. I was about to knock when I saw a handwritten note that said not to. Cautiously, I turned the handle, peeking inside. A couple people were occupied with apparatuses and biomatter, while others were logging on computers. The latter included a woman close to the door with strawberry-blonde hair, who looked up at me quizzically.

                            "Intruder, state your intent."

_... Shit, I can’t tell if she's joking._

"S- Sorry. I... I came to-"

                            "No food or drink. Are you cleared to be here?" 

      "Heyyyy! Rach, this is my gay. Oh shit, are those cookies?"

"Granola bars, heh. Anna made them. Also, hi." 

He took off his gloves, then goggles, then coat, putting them in a locker before washing his hands in the sink. He then headed over, promptly scooping me up in a hug. I reciprocated, holding on tightly to the container.

                            "Open them outside... You can stay for now, but don't touch anything- not even the computers."

      "Shit's simultaneously vulnerable and dangerous." 

I nodded apprehensively, following him back out. 

      "So, what brings you to our secret headquarters?" 

"It was her idea, because I was moping. Heh, I didn't think it was secret? Since it's on the map and labeled. I, uh, I‘m sorry if this is a bad thing; I don’t want to impede your work or cause trouble. Really, I'll just give you these and be on my merry way!"

He sat down on the bench next to the bulletin board, and I joined him, albeit awkwardly. He dug in to the offerings cheerfully, speaking between mouthfuls.

      "Thanks, man. Are you scared of Rachel?" 

"... A little."

      "She's just doing her job. Dumb fucks try to come in all the time, so they appoint people to "guard" the place whenever it's open. Honestly, we should have some ID card scanner to unlock the door, but we ain't got the funds."

"Understandable. Still, I'll leave after your break, ok? We were envisioning you spending every day alone doing painstaking tasks, so I wanted to stop by to say hi and make sure that you're not, you know, running yourself ragged. I don’t suppose there's any way I can help."

      "Mmmm, these are baller. She should make 'em instead of the nasty Pinterest things she usually does. Don’t tell her I said that.

      ... But yeah, I don’t mind you hangin' out. Might get boring, so it's chill if you wanna leave at any point." 

I rested my head on his shoulder as he finished up, brushing the crumbs off his pants. 

      "If you were, like, pocket-sized, I'd carry you around everywhere. I know you miss me, and I miss you, too, bitch."

He pulled me to his tiddy briefly, and I nuzzled him. We returned, and he suited up again, going back to his area. I looked around at the cool specimens behind glass cases, from giant shells to rocks, framed feathers and dried plants, animal bones, and so forth.

      "Ted left like, a half-hour ago."

"He's taking classes this semester?"

      "Nah, he's too broke and busy with work, but he’s still considered a student, so he comes to dick around and use the database through his account." 

           "He takes shifts monitoring our Doomsday Clock." 

I jumped slightly, turning around. The voice came from a dark-skinned person with a buzzcut and an Australian accent, who stayed focused on their screen. They wore no lab gear, showing a wrinkled, untucked button-down shirt and faded slacks. Their plethora of gadgets and fancy digital wristwatch indicated that it was a personal preference as opposed to lack of neater clothes. They had prominent bags under their eyes, and far too many stress lines for their age.

      "That’s Bindal, endearingly dubbed Orwell."

"Hi! It’s, ah, nice to meet you!" 

They nodded in acknowledgement, still typing.

             "Roughly four years until the threshold is surpassed, and ten left after that."

"... Sorry, I'm not sure I follow."

             "The planet is dying. Fires, floods, mass extinctions, overabundance of toxic pollutants, increasing destruction and scarcity of critical resources, rising global instability... At this rate, it won't be long.

             ... By the time I will have finished this sentence, enough trash to fill a stadium will have been added to the land and sea, another hundred acres of forest will have been developed, and another twelve million animals will have been killed, at minimum. By the end of the day, another four-hundred thousand humans will have been born.

              At 14:10 EST, a report was received from Bermuda confirming two more marine extinctions. At 15:35, a deceased Amazonian arthopod was discovered, the first and likely last sighting. At 15:57, a pod of right whales and six seals, along with other species, were found beached on the coast of-"

      "Alright, buddy; message received." 

             "Right. Have you heard of the environmental disasters taking place right in this lovely town? Our department is responsible for recording changes and bringing them to the attention of the public in the hopes of addressing their causes. For that reason, we are infamous in the eyes of local businesses and policymakers."

"I... I'm terribly sorry. You have an important job, so I won't interrupt you."

              "I multitask. Over the past decade, the American wolf populations further dwindled, primarily due to hunting, habitat loss, climate change, traps, and poisoning, placing them on the precipice. The disruption of their ecosystem has resulted in an even greater imbalance of prey and plant populations, causing-"

    _"Buddy. Pal. Amigo."_

               "No one wants to hear it, but-"

      "Listen, he already knows, and he’s just gonna get more depressed." 

               "The point is, there are things you can do to help. Ask Min for the link."

I nodded yet again.

...

"You must be exhausted. Would you like a granola bar?"

                           "No eating or drinking; that’s strike two." 

"Wait, I didn't mean that I'd-"

      "Calm your sphericals; I'm watching him."

                                   "How many times do I have to ask for silence? This is the worst." 

"... Granola bar?"

                                    "No."

"Sorry."

                                    "Thank you."

 

I decided to take my leave soon after, feeling like a regular garbage case. Heading to the gym, I focused on the cold wind and rain encompassing me. 

_It’s nice when the weather matches my mood... though I pity everyone else experiencing it._

In bed that night, he sent me the aforementioned link, and I clicked it, anticipating some run-of-the-mill green stuff. While that was included, the strongest message was of unity and spurring change... for a literal revolution.

"Darling."

      "Mm?"

"Did you just put me on the FBI watchlist?" 

      "Curiosity is a pussy-slayer."

"Cripes... How... How are they able to talk openly about this? It's dangerous!"

     "The way I see it, we're spiraling into a fascist dystopia in a world that's getting progressively shittier, so we gotta do what we can while we still have a chance."

"Even if that means... you know... Fuck, how long has this been a thing?" 

      "Since before I came here. The site itself is virtually shrouded in anonymity- Orwell can't even hack into it. There are members around the world, involved in everything from education to clean-ups to conservation to activism. It’s... hard to explain. Politics is bullshit, but... I dunno. It’s long past time to break the system. Worst case-scenario, I'm down for a complete, painless end to humanity."

"... Oh my god, what if the NSA is listening to us right now? This is like, hippie terrorism! Oh my god..."

He gently took my phone and placed it on the side table, then shut the lamp off. I trembled slightly, but he pulled me flush against him, wrapping his limbs around me.

...

      "Best case-scenario, we do something good _and_ get The Death."

"I'm serious!"

      "So am I."

"I don't want anything to happen to you!"

      "I mean, same, but life happens to everyone. It’s only a matter of time, man..."

I sniveled against his chest, and he rubbed my back.

      "Look, you know Orwell's a morbid kid. They upset most people. Just forget about it, ok?"

"No.

...

I... I want to fight. I have to. Just- stay safe, ok? Don't try to be a hero; you already are."


	34. (Update)

Howdy! It's been ages since this has updated, so apologies if you're one of the three whole subscribers. 

Thank you for reading and sticking around, really. If not for you guys, I wouldn't be here!

I want to especially thank NoGoodTuna for all of their kind words and encouragement- you rock, and I can't express how much joy you've brought. Just knowing that anyone likes my stuff motivates me to go nuts over it, heheh. 

 **Is the weed book over?**  Nah, but I may never get around to writing out the rest. There are lots that I plan to go back and add into existing chapters, along with the endless madness known as editing. Seriously, I almost always make more changes each time I reread anything. That and illustrations are the only barriers to publication at this point. I've been itching to promote official ebooks for years since my junk is already copyrighted; it's just a matter of finalization. 

 **What's the deal with the roboghost talk?** I'm advertising the rest of my original stuff! It's all connected- this is the middle book. The first one is a miniseries, and the last one is what ties it all together. 

Am I going to die? Hell yeah! I'm already dead, sorta. It's a long, long story that's actually shorter than this book and still in progress, so if you have nothing better to do, feel free to read on!

[Part One](https://archiveofourown.org/series/923283)

Part Two (THC)

[Part Three](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16369082)

[Shitposts](https://akgerhardt.tumblr.com/)

Here's a doodle dump; if/when I improve at art, I wanna make some quality pics. 

That's all for now, folks! Take care, and be kind. <3

 


	35. Chapter 35

 

[🎵🎶🎵](https://youtu.be/OBSsESMhbo4)

 


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